|Reviews for We, the 13|
| Guest 9/29/12 . chapter 3
Oh, she dies T_T
| acumashindorballomu 9/26/12 . chapter 4
I was rather surprised in seeing that colonel Collins has a sense of humor. But given the tragic situation in which they found themselves, it was the only necessary thing to do... Still, I LOLd at two things in this chapter, one being poor Adam who got a door in the face by accident and another being number 7 who besides being the stereotypical black hip hopper is also very damn funny XD I always liked comedy relief african american characters in American movies, even if that is a cliche :P
And besides the fact that I like the English teacher's personality, it seems that mister Adam has found a new girlfriend :P For some reason her attitude does remind me a bit of Jamie from ur DM fic but we'll skip that. Probably u like tomboys too much :P
And when Adam was thinking about the beauties of college life and how only bounties were missing... speak of the devil, here they come once again to bother him. And I liked Fourteen's revelation that Adam is part of a 4th generation, as well as the introduction of Fifteen and Sixteen. And from the looks of it, doctor Cain might be alive. As for doctor Johnson, it's nice to see him as the biology teacher :D This is surely bound to lead to something which I can't wait to see.
One final remark, Emily is an aspiring writer, I like that, even though it might seem a little cliche :P
| acumashindorballomu 9/26/12 . chapter 3
Sadly, it happened as I expected. Poor Megan had to die. But what was shocking to me was that she died... because of Adam's stubbornness and not because of her mutation, which adds to even more drama. Now I guess that he will start victim blaming himself. Trevor's emotional reaction to her death was also great and I loved how both pinned the blame on each other when the fault belonged to both. And gosh Adam, if you're so determined to leave them... then JUST LEAVE ALREADY! But no, he prefers to chat with little random girls. -_-
Speaking of which, if the little girl he talked with is actually Alpha then is she alive or was it just a flashback? Either way it was great seeing her past with Omega. That bastard known as doctor Cain is nothing more than a psychopathic monster who thinks that he could be God by toying with two innocent children the way he wants. Personally I do wish that Omega gave him what he had coming, but no, the caring Alpha just HAD to save that stupid doctor after all that he had done to her. And what's worse, because of him not only are the two mutated, but they are also going to have a fight of epic proportions O_o
And wait a minute, if Sasha is alive... then is Alpha still having her DNA? Won't wrap my brain around that for too much. :P But the most interesting part and the best way to place the cliffhanger was at Adam's discovery of Dr Johnson's diary. But instead of reading it, the fool prefers to show it to that untrustworthy Colonel. What's wrong with heroes these days?
Oh well, that's what my fatass had to say. I hope you enjoyed :P
| acumashindorballomu 9/25/12 . chapter 2
Of course, since the action takes place in a rather futuristic Earth and the heroes are super humans, the army just HAS to be involved. . Sorry if I have started this review so negatively, but I am not a real fan of military stuff as the only anime that involved the army and I liked was Full Metal Panic. Anyway, let's get on to the story.
First of all, I really love the tense scene that you've built with Adam going to face his superior Collins or whatever. It was really nice and will catch the reader's attention most certainly. Then came the weapons of Adam and his element: the Wind. And you've also added the whole four elements wheel and placed Wind as the 'intruder' that has no 'role' in this cycle. I don't know why, but I really like this cliche :D
Then we have Megan and Adam facing off each other and she being older than him it was obvious that she would win. But it's sad that he wouldn't respect his side of the best (even though the plot required him not to). Also, it was nice how you described Trevor's feelings for Megan and how you had him trolled for denying them :3
And so the serious action begins by Megan missing and the two 'lover boys' Adam and Trevor fighting and teasing each other. And to use yet another cliche, the big bad 14 kidnapped her and hid her in a warehouse at night so that they could save her... Yep, very cliche, but who cares? It was interesting seeing those two dogs of his, I liked the way they acted. And Trevor's intelligence impressed me by the way he deduced the clever trap.
Thus we come to the conclusion of the chapter where the duo reaches Megan only to find that she is now a deformed mutant. O_O So this is what happens when you go to Level 3, oh my. Now let us see how Adam will face off against her, even though I got a bad feeling about how it will all end.
| dawriterman 9/17/12 . chapter 3
Here we have it, The third chapter of this series. Well first things first, You write great fanfictions and great stories, In the view of this simple boy, Why dont you become a writer!
There is a lot of emotions in this chapter. Starting with the dying of Megan to the end it has quite a lot of emotions. I love that fact and also like the way in which your really depict the homnunculus as humans with real feelings.
Hmm but i do have some complains you can say.
First would be this sentence.
With one annoyance gone, I figured that it was time to get Megan back, before Trevor decides to sic his shark onto her.
I think this is a rare error but you wrote sic instead of stick.
It must be hard to see the whole chapter again, but as i expect perfection from you i point this out duly.
Second would be that you are showing the max powers too early. It might be a plan and maybe you are going to introduce new powers but according to me yeah it would have been better if you didn't show them so soon.
Anyway the chapter was exciting.
You left two questions unanswered basically
How the hell did Adam meet Alpha
And How did Prof. Johnson's deck appear beside Adam
Would love to see how you answer these questions.
Another little side story that i am sure everyone would enjoy would be the story of Alpha and Omega.
By the story..It doesnt look like Omega was bad.. It was Prof who was bad
I hope you continue this work and that some publisher reads this.
Update quick :P
| nightfuries 9/3/12 . chapter 2
Aw, Megan! I was guessing something would happen, but I was thinking more along the lines of her just getting captured and dying, so going insane was definitely a twist! It was interesting how quickly they accepted the fact that they'd have to hunt her down; does that happen to them a lot? I'm also curious to see how many levels there are before the max one :) Anyways, awesome chapter and update soon!
| Guest 9/2/12 . chapter 2
Megan and Adam sitting on a tree...ok, time for a review.
Finally we know a bit more about the organization behind all these, which turned out to be a weird acronym of their name? Shouldn't it be CORET? Central Operation of Research and Enhancement might be better in this case. And of course, it is millitarily owned, by America.
Collin Michaels must be one heartless dude? How does he actually allow children to go kill things? Of course, they are all over 18, so I guess that nullifies the age factor.
The elemental cycle is quite interesting, usually electricity is not a primary element, but rather following the air, fire, water, earth quartet or the more oriental metal, wood, water, fire, earth, you set up your own cycle, which is quite cool. Electricity's offensive advantage is kinda overpowered? It is just sub light speed, which is quite faster than super sonic of wind, let along the other slowpoke elements. And yes, speed is all that matters. That's why crappy muskets removed archery and melee but really not cavalry until better guns were invented.
And then, wind, like alpha. Wind/air is always my favorite element, so let's see how it goes. After all, testing it once on normal Megan then testing it again on berserked Megan. Lovely.
Again we see the word 'love'. So it is that the teenage hormones still rages? Though I can't comment that much on that, rather than just feeling weird. They are not that normal are they?
Now, 14 has Megan for some reason, and the death FLAG has been raised. Who will die? Well, we shall see.
P.S. katana? Really?
| dawriterman 8/26/12 . chapter 2
Yay you get the second chapter updated :D
Well for the beginning i think it was the first time you mentioned the full form of CORE. And it acts as an aid to the US? Well looks like when they banned nuclear weapons they had to create alternatives.
Ok first of all i like the plot with Megan and Adam battling and all those things about a fifth element. I also liked the way you are explaining the relations between the bounty hunters.
But well i expected Adam to use his Gun and no mention of it has been put yet. Also there was no explanation as to how the hell Megan got caught by 14.
And if Bounties go to Max then no problem but if the hunters do then they become bounties...Well its odd..
However i still loved the chapter and am waiting for an update :)
| dawriterman 8/26/12 . chapter 1
Ahh nolan san i wanted to review long time ago but couldnt due to my conn . Finallu i can but dunno if you are happy about it or not :P
Well i love your fanfic writing and am quite pleased that you wrote the sci-fi with the same class. I like the depth of the name of your chapter which is the question like My name is... Well pleased to meet you Adam.
Now as a Bleach fan i think it resembles it in quite a few ways. Though of course the names could be cooler. Also it would be nice if you gave the attack of each level a specific name. Makes it sound more awesome.
I liked the story a lot. And i liked the fact that though it was a self narratory story it was quite well written.
1 thing that i do think is you did too much in a single chapter. I mean telling us that 13 is Alpha's descendent and that 14 is Omega's and also showing us Level 2 and Level MAX is a little too much for me.
Well thats just me. Anyway awesome writing :)
By the way are the homunculus like hunters? Well there is hunter instinct written so am curious.
| WhoWillLive 8/19/12 . chapter 1
Glorious new book always require a great chapter 1 to bring in the readers don't they? Especially in the age where half the population can somewhat write well.
So then, Itadakimasu, shall we?
As a reader of your fanfics, you have never failed to impress me with your fluent writing style, tightly formed plots, and easy to remember characters who all shared great depth. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter, as it immediately throws us into the world you constructed, where Bounties run free, killing the innocent, where the 13 fights for the 'freedom' or 'safety', rather, of mankind.
Awesome, that's how great worlds come about.
However, now to the part that you might fear or you might be longing for...There is a few points I will mention that I feel can use improvements or being answered. Here it goes!
I study biology in university, so first off, let's review some science :3 Two human parents per meant the 13's DNA sources are all caming from humans. It is very hard to operate on fertilized fetus to change their genetic make up. So what it is necesary is to alter the genes of the sperm and egg. That...if you are replacing the gene pool, that would be a lot of work. To make DNA form and still retain the normal human functions and then give them super powers by taking genes from another being and insert it into the original, it is some dangerous works. I am not going to question the ethics behind the project itself, but think of the lives they had to spend to just produce one of them. It is not as easy as a puzzle.
I liked the fact you revealed the system where the Homu (can I just call them that? I promise, I mean them no homosexuals) drew their power. Technology is certain the reason they were perceived and thus technology will certainly go well with them. Though among the awesomeness of the efforts you placed into making them, I have something to complain about (but again, I always complain :P). Here it is-Even Bleach did not use the likes Shikai in the first 20 or so chapters, let alone Bankai. In a way, I feel that you rushed the part, trying to show us all, but we don't need to know all, we just need an expectation of what's to come, and thank you, buddy, you just eliminated a big part of it. Of course, knowing what Level Max is capable of.
Another point is that you used the words Level and Max. Level is such a simple and perhaps cliche word. No, I am not talking about Shikai and Bankai, but perhaps some better names would do? I mean you went as far as to call them Homuculus, which is over used in a way, but at least it has some flavor to it.
As for names...for some beings that should be 'confidential', why actual names? They have their codes, which is great for what they mean, but what else do the names carry? In a story where the youths have to bear the weight of the world (not just because they wandered into the wrong time and wrong place, but finding), do what represents them, aka their names, be without meaning?
In addition, I am very much interested, if not rather disappointed, that you used the words 'love' for the Main Character. I understand , but how much similarity do the Homu share with 'normal' people? They were raised differently, born differently, educated differently, and probably have been living in another world as far as the normal folks concern. Of course, they are humans after all, and their hormones should be the same as normal humans right? Again I have some questions. When you 'create' a sequence of DNA, the hardest part is not that each of the genes can function, it is how they will function together. In a way, even just by splicing genes and mixing it to the original gene pool, the female homu can easily be infertile...so why need love so early? Or is love necessary in a 'warrior' or 'weapon' that they are? Or is 13 the only one with feelings...
Then about the setting. I understand that America is the most technologically advanced country right now. Will it be so in the future? Why is that technology controlled by a single country and not by something bigger (like UN or even an underground organization independent of a country). As for now, if they operate under a country, I find that their purpose could be easily twisted? Then the other poor countries...having nothing to stand against the onslaught of the Bounties.
All in all, I'd rather this chapter be a teaser rather than a real chapter of the story. It showed too much of what you had in promise, pass the 'amount of no return', while yet your writing style had stayed quite high in terms of quality. I can only hope, if there is a chance, to show us again the world you had in mind, not just tell it by the mouth of the Main Character of encyclopaedia. Also, the revelations of those beyond the 13 Homu also kinda disrupted the smoothness of what that makes a Chapter 1 unique...which is the place to set the boundaries and the settings...which then is promptly broken when Bounty, I mean 14, showed up. To me, he showed up way too early, like hwo Level MAX appeared too early.
As you read, if you do at all, in my review that I mentioned the naming bits. It is not entirely correct. There is one name that I am utterly impressed with, and it's the way you emphasised the name that the Main Character made for himself. Adam, beyond Alpha and Omega, and the first of his kin. Well, I cannot think of a more fitting name.
P.S. here is some grammatical errors I spot (not a lot, and not sure if intentional):
'then this name seemed Appropriate'...is it to reflect Alpha? (and if Adam love Megan...then...incest...Nolan...)
And yes, arigato for the fabulous meal.
| acumashindorballomu 8/18/12 . chapter 1
Hey there Nolan, why if it isn't me, the always wacky Kokujo and I have come once again to haunt you with my evil reviews of doom, so BE SCARED! Oh.. you're not scared? You're actually happy that I'm reviewing this? Oh well... I guess we should move on?
So this is your first shot at a story, huh? And when I saw sci-fi I realized that only a total nerd... *cough* I mean fanboy... *cough* *cough* what I really meant was devoted writer could come up with something like this. :3 Alright, enough with the ad-hominem attacks.
In all seriousness now, for a first shot it was actually nice! While I was reading this, I got the feeling that I was watching some kind of action/sci fi anime, almost like a futuristic Bleach that lacks the spirituality stuff. In that regard you got one thumbs up.
Then comes your innovation - the main character as the narrator! While I have read subjective novels before and it is a trend in modernism and now neo-modernism to have first person narrated books, yours took me by surprise by the fact that it is interactive and number 13 actually talks to the reader as if they are having a face-to-face discussion or he is showing the reader his own memories.
While the concept of artificial life in the future and scientific research projects involving this have been used before, what I liked about yours was the way in which you described the relationship between the 13 homunculi as if they were a family (though it doesn't seem as complex as NOVA's relationships in my opinion... at least not yet)
And while the action scenes were pretty good and the surprise character number 14 was a nice touch with his offer of asking the ostracized number 13 to join him in his diabolical quest, what really made this chapter worth for me was... the very last scene between number 13 and Megan. Yes, it was heart warming and touching in the way 13 chose his name and I did find Adam to be fitting indeed. Also, Megan embracing him was also beautiful, so a third thumbs up for that too! :P
With that said, I give you just two thumbs up so far and... Alright, enough with the jokes, I think you have something going on there and you should give your best to create yet another epic tale. Looking back at your previous works, I am sure that you won't disappoint So until next time... this is Kokujo, signing off!
| nightfuries 8/17/12 . chapter 1
Awesome start to what sounds like an amazing story! I love all of the characters so far and can't wait to see more of them! Update soon :D