First off im not going to lie, im no critic. And especially no where near as depth as in you, so ill just stick to the little i do know. This chapter in my opinion is a step up from the last, you were right , i found the dialogue in this to be quite enjoyable. I think so far the old guy is my fave char though, i don't what that says about your main char, but we'll just chalk it up to me being weird lol.

Anyway i like it, no as bland as i had expected it to be. Sorry for the pitiful review, especially since you're so thorugh with yours, but its all i got. Nice work and keep it up.

theslain

Greetings from roadhouse. I know this is the first chapter/prologue but I think its too much of a dry, slow start. Atleast in my opinion. I know your setting up the back story, but it feels more like an info dump; just a whole lot of telling going on. It isn't bad, but if theres any readers out there like me, they'll become bored real fast and not feel motivated to grind out to the amazing parts im sure this story has. You'll want to grip your audience from the very beggining and hold on to them aggresively. I would suggest placing the back story into the actual story telling itself, to award a fresher feel. it's not bad just bland, the way it is.

Anyway, other than that you have the foundations for a compelling story in the brew and your grammar is great. I hope this helps, i really don't mean to sound condescending, just my extremely honest opinion. Good luck.

With best regards,

theslain

Another good chapter!

I enjoyed this chapter. It was entertaining to see the girl's ideas about the towns people- she's clearly an insightful person. Some good character building here.

I did think the chapter ended a little abruptly, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, rather an individual taste thing.

Good update. It's nice to see the prince's family and how his mind works. The only typo I saw was: Come along, *lets* collect my other brothers."
And the last line put a smile on my face.

SirScott

Something about the first paragraph feels off. Just my opinion, I'd suggest maybe a rewording.

Other than that another sweet short chapter. It is nice to see some people acting nicely to her (she really deserves it)

If I could just compliment you on your characterization... it is very very good. For me that is one of the most important things in a story that a lot of people seem to skim over. You however are doing extremely well with old' no name and she is a pretty awesome character in her own right.

Oh my gosh the opening paragraph is freaking poetically awesome...

I really liked this chapter. You do a really good job of having a lot happen in little words. Which really compliments this kind of story. The chapters do a very good job of telling you what you need to know and not overstaying their welcome, while moving swiftly into the next.

The story does grow more and more interesting as we progress, but if this keeps up than... well... _ insert kind words here haha

I really like the setup you have here it moves at a very steady pace and never gets too dull. it keeps you wanting to read more.

that coupled with nice short chapters makes it very enjoyable and easy to read. Nice work.

I found it strange that you so angry abruptly tell of the child's power. it's not a bad thing it just felt abrupt.

Other than that I felt it was great. Very interesting, can't wait to see where this goes.

Another good chapter. Not much happened here, but you've set up an interesting town so it's fine. The girl is clearly going to have a look around, which has made me curious about it, too.

What I don't understand is why a child would want to turn into a bag of flour...:)
Okay.
I loved the old man's conversation with the mayor, you did a really good job of making him kind of sarcastic but not to the point of being annoying-it was really funny, and I definitely appreciated the change from the last chapter.
But again, I don't like the ending of the chapter. I know you said you're not going to end on a cliffhanger, but honestly, you give the reader no reason to keep reading. I don't think it's tacky at all, I think it's a good plot device to keep people interested. Because with me, the chapters raise my interest and then drop it.
I'll keep reviewing this when I need to, but I don't have any real motivation to read on. And I'm not being mean, I'm just telling you what I think.

I seem to be cursed/blessed with the eye of an editor.

She found the prince later and told him sulkily. "He think I'm a fraud."

That's the only typo I found.

I think she does (or will) learn from the magician: maybe not magic, but more about humanity. It's funny that she's dissapointed it will *only* take her a few years to read all the books.

Hi from Roadhouse!

I believe you have an interesting plot, enough so that if this story was fleshed out some more it could really entertain me, but as it is now, it's more *tell the reader* than *show the reader.* I think you should add more detail into this piece, so that it doesn't come off so robotic. EX) "Here is a girl. She does this. She does that. The maids were scared. The maids said this. The maids said that. ETC" That's telling (but in a more simplistic way for the ease of examples.)

"She could change her shape at will." could be writen as "The bones, the muscles, the fat, and the cells danced with change, shifting into mulitple shapes and sizes at her mind's will." or something like that.

But at the same time, it's hard to say how far you should go with the showing rather than telling, because this seems more aimed towards children. And if thats the case, then depending on the age group intended, keeping it an easy read as it is now may be best. But, as I can see in your A/N, it seems that your aiming for the older kiddies, and even some adults, so maybe adding a bit more *show* detail would be best.

Besides that, I think you have a lovely idea, and I know with the right tinkering, it can be an excellent read.

(OH, and I know that in RH you said you don't like reading M rated stories, unless directed to a T chapter. So the story i'm asking for reviews back for is rated M, but only because of stronger language, brief as it is, and touchy subjects such as women suppression and racism, since it is a historical piece. Therefore, if you still feel iffy about it, chapter one should be okay.)

I love the start of [Once upon a time.]

The one thing I am not good at when reviewing is editing so I'll stick to either singing praise or trying to help.

I really liked the setup in general. The way you weave the tale makes it very apparent that it is just that; a tale. A sort of nursery rhyme kind of story. I am always interested in stories with clever themes and the like, so I am eager to see where you take this.

The magician seemed like a jerk and Leifhound had a pretty good quote: Men like to see themselves in others.
Keep up the good work.

SirScott