|Reviews for Hime No Uma|
| Yuuenchi 3/24/13 . chapter 11
I think that, overall, my first response to your tale to this point is to say: I'm going to cry now, because I don't want the volume to be over. I can also admit without shame that this has been eleven chapters of reading bliss, but a bliss tempered by the knowledge that the story isn't finished.
I enjoyed how the story uses the tendency (or is that trap) of "no-name boy falling in love with the school princess, and picking up a sport or activity to get close to the cute, ojousama girl, only to find that indeed he has an almost natural aptitude for the sport." I can also see traces of Suzuka (entering Track Club to get closer to "Suzuka" though himself having potential as a sprinter even though the story does turn on the boy coming from out of nowhere to win everything effortlessly) and "Yawara: fashionable judo girl" (girl who has been trained in the sport since a girl such that she's perceived to be a natural) -even though these anime may not specifically hae been in the mind of the author at the time- in your story.
There are two other pleasing aspects to your story: 1) the fact that the viewpoint character, Michio, is actually a competent, average student (though I wonder will he attend a juku at some point?) and not the cliche lackadaisical worthless student who suddenly becomes super-student once he finds love, and 2) actually having an adult in the story (much less a adult relative of the girl in question) taking an interest in him (albeit not for his own sake), and encouraging a relationship.
I also appreciate the interaction between Michio and his family, and the fact that their family is whole as opposed to being broken, though I would think that there would be a little more tension between Michio and his mother, and not quite as much interaction between Michio and his father (wouldn't the father be spending more time at work in order to prove his value?)
I do think that a major weakness of the story, though is the absence (at present) of conflict between and among the characters, especially considering the social-hierarchial barriers between Michio and Kimi. Everythhing seems to be too easy for Michio it's as if I'm playing a game on "easy" or even "beginner" mode where everything goes your way. To the extent that this is the case the story feels unrealistic.) I also feel that Kimi has warmed to the new un-related boy (Michio) far too quickly (though it's good for the story). I would think he would face more resistance from Kimi himself over his intruding into her world, the one place she feels accepted and safe and free to be herself.
I'd also expect a little more tension between himself and other members of the Equestrian Club, especially considering his (implied) reasons for joining, and certainly if he's being 'favored' by Ota-sensei a certain amount of jealousy should be evident.,
Also, it'd be nice to have a little more background of Michio to see what grounds his ability to understand the horses, and certainly I'd like to see more visibility for Arakaki as Team Captain. I do appreciate the tension (and antagonism) that you've placed between Arakaki and Umawara though, and strange, find myself sympathetic to Arakaki's irritation with Umawara.
Speaking of side characters such as Arakaki, another weakness seems to be the side characters. It's not so much that they are weak, as that they do not have much presence, the foils of Nishimori and Togashi and their maybe-yes, maybe-no relationship. You've done such a good job with Michio and Kimi, that I come away expecting a little more out of the side characters.
That said, you've done a great job so far, and I do look forward to seeing what comes next.
| Yuuenchi 3/24/13 . chapter 5
This chapter has the one minor irritant that interrupted my enjoyment of the narrative's flow:
"This is turning out to be much more promising than I thought. The school is not bad, I already have two friends in Togashi and Nishimori and hopefully there is the Equestrian Club, though I might feel better about that if I know what it was we actually did." This sentence was a little discordant for me.I think due to the word choice. Considering the context, It just feels like he became too positive too quickly (granted, it has been not a few years since I was in H.S. and I could be ignoring the ease and rapidity of emotional changes that occur at that age), and that instead of "promising", you could have phrased this introspective more cautiously.
Also, wouldn't Michio have also taken Umawara-san's presence into account ticking off the good things? And why did not he not consider the awkward moments of his day? Actually, these are questions for reflection, not absolute criticisms, and the story is still a great read!
| Lord Slayer 3/24/13 . chapter 11
Good, good progress in the relationship, though it brings up a question. If she doesn't care that much for her reputation and the way people fawn over her all the time, then why is she so dedicated to maintaining her image around everyone? Referring to one another by their given name is going to utterly destroy any attempt at the "we're just in a sempai-kouhai relationship," front. Unless she's just finally given up on maintaining it. I guess we'll find out which one it is.
| Lord Slayer 3/24/13 . chapter 10
While I do like the dynamic going on here between Takayoshi and Uta, I feel like it's a bit over dramatic to say that she has no friends and that she avoids even family members. That's just me and my deal with too much angst, but it might not be a bad idea to at least give Kimi someone she hangs out with.
| Lord Slayer 3/24/13 . chapter 9
Hmm, you're starting to repeat yourself on the romance plot. Try to mix it up. Get them into a situation. And don't go back and tell us stuff that we already know.
| Eri Rein to Ero-sama 3/24/13 . chapter 7
So she has this kind of personality when she's alone eh? Quite the tsun aren't we? XD
"For me, waking up early means waking up at 6:30 to get ready for school."
I like this line. I can somehow relate ahaha!
| Lord Slayer 3/23/13 . chapter 8
Hmm...the stereotypical line of the tsundere. Be careful of those cliches.
| Lord Slayer 3/23/13 . chapter 7
Looking good. You might be laying on the tsun-tsun a little thick in some places, but I do like the pace at which Kimi is starting to open up.
"It looks like we are going to have to get him to come out with us more often Uncle, to purge his Tokyo decadence from him."
- Heh, heh. That's brilliant.
| Lord Slayer 3/23/13 . chapter 6
This is shaping up to be quite enjoyable, though your narrative still feels pretty distant at times. Definetly better than when you started, though.
"Most of them appear to be miniature versions of the white wooden fences that you would expect in a movie about an English countryside."
- You mean picket fences?
| Y. S. Wong 3/23/13 . chapter 7
The contrast between Umawara's outward demeanor towards everyone else and her behavior when she's alone with Shirayuki is quite telling. It always feels like you've violated someone's privacy when you stumble in on them when they think they're alone.
"The mark of an intelligent animal," Umawara replies. "Is that he can forgive human stupidity." LOL awesome line.
And Umawara going into full-on tsundere mode now. Woot.
| Lord Slayer 3/23/13 . chapter 5
Mom and Maya's reaction...I'm still laughing. Well done.
| Y. S. Wong 3/23/13 . chapter 6
Pretty Fluffy Clouds in the Sky. Lol.
The whole history of Umawara Academy is fascinating. I also find myself learning a lot more about horse riding than I ever wanted to, but that's a good thing.
Glad to see Michio is getting more into the whole equestrian thing though.
| Lord Slayer 3/23/13 . chapter 4
Equestrian, eh? That'll be interesting.
One bit of advice for this chapter is that telling readers what accent someone is speaking with doesn't really tell anything if the readers aren't familiar with it. One method is to transcribe it in the character's dialogue, but it's bothersome and can make it hard to read. Another way you can do it is to give a (very) brief description of what it sounds like: telling us they talk with 'ong consonants or short vowels, lilting, lisping, or what-not. And, of course, speech patterns are helpful with either technique.
| Y. S. Wong 3/23/13 . chapter 5
Wait, I thought Umawara was in Class 1-C.
For some reason, I like Arakaki's character. Haha.
Damn, Ota-sensei. Totally saw through Michio. As Katsu Roll would say, "Yabai!"
| Y. S. Wong 3/23/13 . chapter 4
Horse earrings...? Asako-chan, we have to talk.
Michio. Totally not creeping on Umawara there, dude.
I like Nishimori's character. Also the lunch time dialogue had a nice flow to it. Michio is refreshingly honest about his intentions, haha. But tsk, tsk, Michio. Joining a club before you even know what it is just because of a girl.
It's pretty obvious it was gonna be the Equestrian Club, though, lol.