|Reviews for In the Brightness of the Sunrise|
| Highway Unicorn 9/11/12 . chapter 2
Jumping into chapter two since you requested so in EF thread (I hope i didn't miss out on any major from the first chapter):
I really liked your description throughout this chapter, especially when you compared the people to noisy flies. I feel you have a talent for creating perfect imagery. :D
You have a interesting plot line, with well thought out characters.
Hmm, the only thing I disliked was the dashes throughout. I felt you had too many that threw off the pace and tone, and I think shedding a few dashes won't hurt your piece at all. Well, that's just in my opinon. Do whatever makes ya happy. :D
| Linguistic 9/9/12 . chapter 1
I think you're a great writer: you have nicely constructed sentences, and your scenes are vividly describe. I think that your stories are interesting, and your world is alive- (I'm sure you saw this coming) BUT!
I feel like I'm reading a sequel to a book I've never read. I'm being overwhelmed with information and force-fed the history of this world, rather than having it slowly given to me in tantalization morsels. I think that, although your foot-notes are very interesting to read, they would serve you better if they were used later in the story, when I'm more invested in the world.
Right now, like any reader, all I want to know is this- who are these people, why are they on this road, and where are they going? It's true that you accomplish this, but it was more difficult than it could have been.
I'm almost reminded of one of Terry Pratchett's 'Discworld' novels, because I often get the same feeling from them. Right now, my suggestion is this: focus on storytelling, and then (after you've hooked your reader) give them everything you've got. It's an old writing expression to 'show, not tell', which is what I think your story needs- less telling, more showing. It's not only in the footnotes, really, but also in the meandering thoughts of the protagonist- who is actually pretty interesting!
But, on a more positive note, this story is very good! I was only giving you such intense criticism because you're such a good writer. I think your work is fantastic, and I've been reading everything you've posted. I hope that, one day, you achieve your dream of writing and publishing this series.
| this wild abyss 9/9/12 . chapter 1
I don't like how you show thoughts in the narrative, it's confusing and jarring. Usually italics work just fine. I did like your descriptions, because I thought they were detailed and gave a good feel for the scene.
| Small Wings Flying 8/31/12 . chapter 1
Style: it’s good that you’ve got the bit about the setting/context formatted differently to the rest of the fic so we can tell that apart. Same with the footnotes. On the other hand, you’re nor consistent with them. Why italicise the footnote? I initially thought that was something to do with the context and I didn’t realise till the end it was a footnote. Not a big deal, but when I got to  I got a little confused.
Opening: I like how you immediately stem off from the little contextual sliver up the top and start fleshing out the scene. Setting a time, a place you both name and describe. However, I do feel you may have overdramatised the prose a tad with the dash. A colon might be better I think. Otherwise you’re going to run into trouble when the real drama comes.
Setting: no complaints here. You’ve slowly built up a beautiful image, setting things into context quite nicely. The subtle images like the dirt tracks and the carriages all being consistent with the initial image with the year (although I’m afraid I don’t know what A.Y. stands for).
Spelling/grammar: I’ve already mentioned the dash in the first line. [Yes, MocYorrin had to hope; for Mina's sake, and for the villagers' sakes, as much as for his own] – I don’t think that’s the appropriate place for a semicolon. I think here as well [It was a strangely invigorating feeling—being] – the dash is a little unnecessarily dramatising. Since you’re describing the feeling, a colon works perfectly well. [But as to how it would play out… MocYorrin could only guess… and hope] – I’m a little doubtful about those ellipses (coming from me? Lol). There’s a good post on “Help with your Writing” about the use of them, but I can’t see them really working there. Not the first anyway.
All in all, you've got a good foundation; little stylistic things are distracting me though. :) Science major.
| Dr. Self Destruct 8/31/12 . chapter 1
Writing: I thought you had some really nice metaphors and similes in this. My favorite was definitely the one near the beginning about the carriage and the horse being compared to storm and thunder. I thought it was a great example of using more than one sense in a single sentence - addressing the senses of sight and sound. However, you may want to be a bit careful with your asides (especially the ones separated from the rest of the prose with the EM dashes) because there are quite a few and it makes the pace drag. Some of them I don't even think are necessary - they sounded more like interjections from the narrator, rather than the main character the story should be focused on.
[MocYorrin reflected on the extraordinary—and, by his standards, the highly unusual—stroke of luck that had led him to her, and—as if that wasn't enough—had somehow convinced...]
Like these two. The first one is okay, I suppose, but the second one is overkill especially when they're so close together.
[ like these farmers, his own family—his grandparents—had been dependent...]
Why not just say "like these farmers, his own grandparents had been dependent..."?
[It was early [in the] morning in the Llor Flatlands—the western frontier of the Dahrian Republic. ]
Style: Suggest removing the bracketed "in the" to make the opening sentence a little tighter.
[An attentive mind could see [that there] something approaching from afar.]
Edit: Remove the bracketed "that there" or put a "was" after "there." Personally, I prefer just taking out the "that there."
[ the work of journeyman enchanter from Drexel Province, far to the east—his first, no less.]
Edit: I think it should be "the word of *a* journeyman enchanter"?
[One was a little girl—maybe 6 or 7;]
Style: Unless it serves a stylistic purpose, normally numbers below 100 should be spelled it. It looks more professional. There's a few exceptions to this - like temperature, measurements, decades (70's or 80's ect).
[were the three wooden crates that were stacked right on the floor right in front of him.]
Style: Suggest taking out one of the 'rights'.
[Mage might have an attractive centerpiece for new garden.]
Edit: Missing a "his" or "her" before "new garden."
As a side note: I wasn't too fond of the symbols meant to replace the character's thoughts (which are normally put into italics). I understand if you want to try doing something different, but... they just felt weird to me. If he were talking to someone telepathically or with his magic, then I could understand, but if it's just normal inner monologue, so I don't see a reason to not use italics.
Setting: I think it's great how much effort you've put into your world building. You obviously have thought long and hard about this place, from the lords and mages to the land layout. Normally I don't enjoy slow openings that deal with the weather or the landscape, but the vocabulary you used to describe the land itself was very striking and utilized extremely well.
Enjoyment: While I think your world-building skills are commendable, I didn't really *enjoy* this opening chapter. I thought there was too much back-story piled on into the very beginning, and after each paragraph I kept wondering when something exciting was going to happen. I prefer reading and learning more about the history of a fantasy world while I read instead of huge chunks of it right up front - being gradually fed the specifics makes it easier to digest. But, like I said, that's personal preference. I used to love high fantasy (that's all I read when I was in high school), but I'm also the type of person who couldn't read a Tolkien novel because I thought it was too boring.
| adelinavirdis 8/28/12 . chapter 2
I was confused: why would MocYorrin travel all that way (and in the previous chapter emphasize the stones) but completely forget that he needed a translater?
MocYorrin also appears as the person who can't control a crowd-which would make sense if he was just sent there to do magic and demonstrate that anyone can do magic.
Characters are again, strong. But, I also didn't understand why MocYorrin would worry that something happened to the girl in such a short period of time... Which either adds confusion or characterization.
Again: nice setting-great descriptions.
| adelinavirdis 8/26/12 . chapter 1
This is very different from the other work I've read, but I like it. The setting reminds me of Hobbiton, withstanding a few glaringly different details. (Such as tyrannical Lords or 'Dans').
I am suddenly reminded of 'A Tale of Two Cities' by Dickens. There is a lot of suspicion and mistrust and suspense. It took me a while to adjust from instant imagery to something reflective and (a lot more) complex in structure. It's intriguing and has a lot of insight about the corruption, history, and politics of the land.
| Scribe of Elhnaka 8/26/12 . chapter 2
You achieve a great mix of wonderous magic and social realism in this story! People are not always that keen on embracing new found "freedoms" immediately, especially not if these are imposed on them from the outside.
MocYorrin is an interesting and believeable character. He seems a bit out of touch with the peasantry though, inspite that he himself is of peasant stock. Perhaps he has become so much of a city intellectual that he left his heritage behind? Looking forward to see how he succeeds in connecting with the villagers.
It is a very complete and thought through world you are presenting, I always like that! Keep it up!
| Complex Variable 8/24/12 . chapter 1
Ooh... darn it! My first story, and it seems that not all of the punctuation transferred correctly—the character's thoughts should be enclosed in , marks. Oh well...