|Reviews for Convict's Blood|
| Dr. Self Destruct 11/16/12 . chapter 3
I really love your opening; that first sentence is definitely an attention grabber that tugs on a reader's emotions when remembering the events of the previous chapter. I also really like that little detail of the women rolling Aisbadu's corpse into the grave, because that's normally something I picture men doing - like they wouldn't want their women to touch a dead body because of superstitious beliefs and whatnot. I think that's a nice minor detail that says a lot about the gender roles in this society.
And speaking of the burial, there's something very... desolate about the entire thing. The dust, the lack of flowers, the hail - it really adds to the setting of the overall story. I'm glad you decided to play out this event as a scene, because it's always interesting to see how people react to death and mourning.
[Sounded just like one of 'em rattle snakes that Grandpa liked [the] shake his cane at. Venomous.]
I really loved this detail - very concrete and vivid. The bracketed "the" should be a "to."
[Heard Umoreo's Ma holler out some song in a strange language, really sad like, full of pain and sorrow.]
I've always been told that being specific is the best thing to try and achieve when writing creatively, and I think you might be able to create an even more haunting image if you added some more detail on the song that was "full of pain and sorrow." It's hard to image what pain and sorrow sound like because it's something that would sound different for each person, so maybe using a simile would help with this and really ground the image.
I love this conversation between the Uncle and Adam. The dialogue is great, too - loving the slang. It's very real, like they're standing next to me having this conversation. My only nit-pick is that when you go back through and revise, keep an eye out for your dialogue tags/punctuation - I noticed a lot of them were formatted incorrectly. But other than that, great job! This story really sucks me in.
| Luckycool9 11/2/12 . chapter 6
I liked the way Alice is convinced her period is a curse because it shows how much she hates Adam and his family since she knew her uncle was going to sell her to him. I disliked the fact that her cousin pushed her into a river full of gators because it shows he has no moraility. He doesn't care for others. Overall a good chapter.
| Persevera 11/2/12 . chapter 6
I like that Mary Ellen continued her interest in Alice. She needs someone she can count on with all of the despicable males in her life.
I don't like it that Victoria never gave Alice basic information to prepare her, especially since she'd already been 'betrothed'. How could her family be so irresponsible, not just with her but with the boys too. It made me wonder if he had lived would her father have told her before she started? Or would he have been as uncomfortable as her grandfather.
| Thousand Writer 10/28/12 . chapter 1
This story has a lot of potential from what I've read. I like the writing style first of all. The style gives so much detail that I can vividly see each action played out in my mind. How Alice ran through the field. How the strand of hair fell out of gramps' head. Makes me feel like I'm watching it all happen.
I also like that much emphasis is put on Pa. He seems like a character the reader needs to be acquainted with since he sets the story in motion (especially with the nice cliffhanger at the end).
Keep up the good work!
| seredemia 10/26/12 . chapter 2
i really like your descriptions and your narration. the narration just does a beautiful job in showing alive's personality. it has that poetic tone to it, and yet it still sounds quite naive. i also like how you describe things because you do it so effortlessly and jsfnkjngkz yes its good. also liking how you show dialogue, especially highlighting their accent and so on.
i've never been to australia, but you always do a nice job in showing us what its like. with your story, im able to have a strong image of it. so well done on that as well :)
i love how you always introduce something at the start of the chapter, such as saying that she discovered pain for the first time, etc. its like shes retelling her story - and i love narrations like that!
anyway, as usual, great chapter! :D
| Stephen Fender 10/26/12 . chapter 6
I really liked the imagry: fantastic detail. I dis-like the fact that some of the sentences are missing "I" at the begining.
| seredemia 10/25/12 . chapter 1
I really really liked this first chapter! I thought your description was beautifully was balanced; not too much and not too little. I also liked the narration in her,e, especially in the first part of the chapter where Alice is introducing her story. Idk, I just thought that was an effective way to start the story. It definitely hooked me in. Loved the way you established the relationship with her dad; you can really tell she looks up to him. Overall, I thought this was a great start to the story! :) Will be back to review more possibly tomorrow!
| h bfedxc 10/22/12 . chapter 6
ILFBH;pikujb;h ;oijhwqef ;kjerngv;okjdnshc;OKLJS FD'AOIRGJ 'A[WEIOJ ;' aw'ekfj' WHY AM I NOT DEAD YET? Thank god this is the lasts capter cuz I can;t do no more. i am going to go crawl to my dying place moe.
| guh 10/22/12 . chapter 5
still no sex or supernautural anything. really? I'm not sure this could get any worse or more boring. omg just killz me now with your crappy ass writing that will kill me ded soon anyway. PUT ME OUTTA MY MIZERY SO I CAN JUST NOT READ THIS NO MORE!
| phla 10/22/12 . chapter 4
WERE IS THE SEX! SHE NEEDS ADAM IN HER NOW!
so ok, let's be fair. this is still kinda crappy. maybe a werewolf or a vampire would make it decent.
| wow 10/22/12 . chapter 3
ok so this got a lil better, but not much. get a lil more hate and then the sex and you will be cooking a REAL story.
| omg 10/22/12 . chapter 2
I have no idea why I am still reading this.
WHERE IS THE SEX? I NEED A BLUBBER BONER!
| really 10/22/12 . chapter 1
this could use more sex and insest. get on that wold ya?
| Whirlymerle 10/18/12 . chapter 3
[You a murderer] It may be me but this sounds a bit like toddler speech. I'd try "you're" or get rid of the "a"
Eek! Well, things are getting a more and more disturbing, aren't they? Adam is a creep. I mean, isn't Alice eight? Yuck!
One thing though, since Australia is historically a penal colony and your story is set in 1900, I'd think that Adam and the Sheriff are pretty used to the idea of convicts. And in any case, since there was a shortage of women (b/c of all the convicts), you'd think that people wouldn't be as fussy and Adam's threat about Alice not getting married off wouldn't seem so intimidating.
I love the fact that you continue to keep your story so fast paced and intense. I think the premise is very fresh and I'm definitely interested in seeing where this will go.
| Whirlymerle 10/18/12 . chapter 2
[stained with dried blood] This was a nice detail, I thought. I feel like your use of constant blood motifs reinforces the sense of violence and adventure of the story.
[and his bread just shaved] think you mean beard
[even made Uncle Levi mad sometimes, but Adam would just say something bout peaches, causing uncle to pipe down.] I really like the way you have Alice recall pretty sexual or politically charged things that she doesn't fully understand but that your readers likely will. I think it's incredibly clever and heightens the tension of the piece.