|Reviews for I'm All Yours|
| lookingwest 5/15/13 . chapter 1
I know for some, sci-fi stories using lots of numbers, but I would spell out the instance of "30 sec." to "thirty secs" or "thirty seconds". Normally in narrative it's smart to spell out anything below like, 101. Also, if you're using slang for "sec" to "second", since there is more than one second, maybe it should be "secs"?
I mumble something, which she totally disregards. [Put this in its own paragraph because it's a type of dialogue - even if we don't here it, Allegra is still mumbling. Or actually - just make sure the dialogue that Chef says is in its own paragraph. So start a new paragraph with what I pulled above]
"Anyway, he's DROOLICIOUS!" She floats away... [Also needs to be a new paragraph, the speaker goes from Allegra back to Clef]
Well, okay. Now, I'm super into postmodernism, and I really like William Gibson (as you can probably guess from my profile), but even despite my background knowledge in the super-abstract and knowledge with cyberpunk and sci-fi stories that throw around terms like it's no big deal - I still had trouble following exactly what is going on.
I was confused right away with the voice that's happening in italics. I don't know if that's supposed to be just Allegra talking to herself in the present tense, or if she's talking to herself from the future or from the past - or what that's about. I also was a little uncertain what was going on with the whole Zomb thing. Maybe Zomb is like a reference to Zombie? I get that it's like an AI and everything though, and I didn't mind not getting the details on what makes it different than a droid, but still, I wasn't 100% on if Allegra herself used to be a human being and is now some sort of AI, or what.
I don't mind having the abstract sci-fi setting of not exactly getting a ton of detail, and I also didn't mind a lot of the terms that were being thrown around that I didn't understand completely, but the first portion in italics really threw me off and I think I stayed a little disorientated from there. I'm confused why she has Zomb, because in the second chapter she kind of acts like it was bestowed upon her - but here it seems like she voluntarily made this guy a Zomb who used to be a normal human? Someone she knew who was her friend? FP stories always come with a weird relationship between author/reader too, because we tend to not trust our authors, so to some degree, I do want to trust you that this will clear up just the more that I read, but the opening threw me off.
Still, the concepts seem cool. Sometimes I think you should italicize for emphasis instead of capitalize for emphasis though, like here: "...even if he IS my biological progenitor." and visually, it's a bit overwhelming with the capital computer-speak, but I think it can work, and it does show the world really well. I'd be interested to continue with this, for sure, but I hope things do gradually become clearer regarding what actually happened between Allegra and...herself? in this first chapter.
| lookingwest 5/15/13 . chapter 2
I really liked your dialogue responses with Zech. Is there a reason that Zech is so close to Zomb? Which I'm guessing is what the name of the AI is called. From not having read the previous chapter, I felt like maybe Zech once used to be human but now he's more like an AI? I suppose this will be cleared up if I keep reading, too. But anyway - yeah, great dialogue with Zech. I thought you did a really good job making him sound like an AI would sound when getting commands, and I felt it was really mysterious that his personality is suppressed and everything because it hints that he actually has a personality. Kind of reminds me of David from Prometheus, but even more intriguing given the ending when he puts his arms around Allegra in a discomfort response. That was cool and a curious moment to leave the chapter on.
I also liked the way you dive into this world and the different terminology, you're doing a good job showing the basics of everything and also doing it through Allegra showing Zech, which I think is a great technique. Overall, I was really impressed with the dialogue/conversation work here!
| Lolitroy 5/7/13 . chapter 2
I really liked this chapter :)
Allegra's human side has come to view, haha. And it broke my heart to see how people are... in that future. I'll be looking forward to see Zech regain a heart, if you understand.
So sweet! I'm really liking it.
Sorry I can't write a better review, but I figured sicne I wasn't reviewing for the Review Game I can make it my style :)
I'll be reading more!
| Faithless Juliet 5/6/13 . chapter 1
I think you have a lot of creative moments in this. I really enjoyed your narrators voice. I think you showed both a high level of intelligence and a nice wit. I chuckled quite a few times when I read this, and I thought that was great because you’re weaving humor into a sci-fyish genre (I think chapter one is really too early to declare a genre, but you know) which are two aspects that you don’t normally see dovetailed like this.
As a critique I would say that you really start head long from the beginning with all of the aspects of your story, and some of it felt like too much of an info dump so soon in the game. I think I would have liked the introduction to be slowed down a bit to help the reader better understand the story. Keep up the good work.
| Lolitroy 5/6/13 . chapter 1
"pubsce" Was that a word or just a mistake? Just wondering.
I liked how you began with that urgent scientific tone, because it gave a great insight into the kind of story it will be. I also liked the tone you set, and so far, it has caught my attention.
The part hard for me to read was when you used... complicate terms? Anyway, some people (like me) aren't native to english and therefore can find it hard to understand in some parts. You can add a glossary, or you just can explain or simplify...?
Also, like I said before, I liked the beginning. But the italic can shoo some readers away, just saying.
Anyway, interesting so far! I liked it and good luck!
| Guest 3/29/13 . chapter 15
Could you do a sequel with option b and a oneshot with the last option? :)
| Green Chelle Rae 3/29/13 . chapter 10
What's an aw?
| 4everandalwaysme 1/25/13 . chapter 15
So...Will there be another?
| 4everandalwaysme 1/25/13 . chapter 14
I. Love. You. You are soooo amazing. Best ending EVER. It's not overly cliche or sappy, and it felt like it was leading to something either gut-wrenching or filled with hot-itude and it was just. so. PERFECT.
| 4everandalwaysme 1/25/13 . chapter 13
OhMyGosh, I love you. I WAS RIGHT! I think I'm getting the hang of thinking like you ;)
She shut him down. She SHUT HIM DOWN. OhMyGosh, I have to read...
| 4everandalwaysme 1/25/13 . chapter 12
I was right? They crashed? OhGosh. That's why she did it, right? She made him a Zomb to save him! Ah...I'm probably wrong.
| 4everandalwaysme 1/25/13 . chapter 11
She crashed. She was caught breaking a rule. HE was caught breaking a rule and was forced to submit to Zomb-ifying. Um...he did her a favor by becoming the Zomb? Bleh.
| 4everandalwaysme 1/23/13 . chapter 10
He likes her. He may not know it yet, but he does.
| 4everandalwaysme 1/23/13 . chapter 9
I'm over half-way through and I can't stop just yet...I love it.
| 4everandalwaysme 1/23/13 . chapter 8
Noooo! Why would you tell your son that, Mr. Papa person? Why?! Ahem. Sorry about that slight...erm...obsessive scene. Was his father abusive? Why did he want Zech to become a Promised one? Where's his mother? Nevermind. Don't answer any of those questions.