|Reviews for Cycle of Evil|
| Lynn K. Hollander 10/28/12 . chapter 1
Very info-dump-ish. Too much talk, not enough action. M. is going to join his troops and leave. Everything else is pretty much info-dump. The only back story the reader NEEDS at the moment is that the king ordered the army to move.
Weird typo: his so0'ns
Plural/possessive confusion: the generals' & birds' & Truids' how many birds, generals and Truids do you mean? Simple possessive is indicated by 's, not s'. This: its', is always wrong. There are two homophones, its and it's. One is the possessive neuter third person, and the other is the contraction of it and is: it's. There is no its'.
They would they undergo enlistment training -typo. There they would?
This is interestingly complex, but try revealing the complexity as the narrative dictates. Good luck.
| MagicWords 9/14/12 . chapter 1
I read your profile and saw you like to edit your stories. Thought I would let you know of some mistakes I saw:
"Marcus had never been good at dealing with his sons… special circumstances" -apostrophe in 'son's.'
"When he met her, Siarah had golden eye, short, voluptuous, with fiery red hair, and bare skin that seemed iridescent until one looked directly upon it" -Should it be eyes? And the whole sentence is worded oddly. What is short? The subjects are slightly confusing. I suggest rewording.
"A pair of swords were crossed beneath its' feet so that the tips reach out to the bottom tips of its' mighty wings." -Watch your tenses.
"His own son was cursed the "affliction," as Marcus liked to call it" -with the "affliction." ?
"But his son's power was derived from being descendent from a demon" -being a descendent of a demon?
''Marcus forced the boy to control and not use his powers using several methods of negative reinforcement" -by using several methods of negative reinforcement?
(Maybe read outloud if you do not already to catch those missing words? :) ) Also, look for further punctuation and switches in tenses!
I like the world you have created. I wonder if it is a futuristic setting? Maybe clear that up a bit.
You introduce many characters in this first chapter, but you do it quite well :) Your writing is very lovely and descriptive. I'm sure with a little editing you will make it far as an author!