|Reviews for The Outbreak|
| Dawnseclipse327 10/15/12 . chapter 8
Oh wow I thought Heather would really be left out!
| Dawnseclipse327 10/8/12 . chapter 7
Wow Kenzie is a real jerk! I hope Heather goes on the helicopter!
| Millicent victor 9/24/12 . chapter 5
Make more!:o i wanna see how it ends.
| Perswante 9/17/12 . chapter 4
"He pulls out a knife, who knows where he gets those."
I swear, that line seems like a total jab at your incompetence with this story. Who knows where he gets those? OH GEE WHERE'D YOU GET EVERYTHING ELSE? Really.
"they just seem really skeptical."
Bwuh? Bah? I know that to you, the writer, this may seem like a minor mistake... but it's really really not. Max would be the skeptical one, the new guys would be sketchy, untrustworthy.
"We'll test out the newbies."
Test out the newbies? Huh. You're not really thinking about this, are you? Test them out? What's there to test? All of you people are just going to eat cake and throw eggs at zombies anyway, I don't see what there is to test. Oh oh oh, I know! They're going to have a cake eating contest! Sounds totally legitimate. Bravo, really splendid stuff here.
Of course, I'm not being truthful, I don't like this story. It's not that I don't like it because it's about zombies, it's that I don't like it because you don't know how to handle zombies.
Here's a little tidbit for you(and maybe all the other zombie writers out there): A bullet to the shoulder is going to stun the zombie and potentially knock them over. While it won't have a lasting or exceptionally great effect on the corpse's body, there's still the initial force of the bullet entering the body, the blowback. This is a gun we're talking about, not a pellet gun that does dainty amounts of damage.
Another thing to point out, because I might just drop this wreck right now(I FULLY encourage you to overhaul the story and step up as a writer), knives are quite possibly the worst weapon in the apocalypse. Go watch some more zombie fiction. While a knife may seem ideal given how they're sharp, they're also CLOSE RANGE(vital) and DON'T LEAVE A LASTING EFFECT(unless you get the brain). If you take down a bunch of zombies with knives, you have to be quick and deadly. That's Rambo stuff, not somebody whose experience with sharp objects was putting pencils/pens to paper.
MELEE is not limited to knives. There are baseball bats, axes, canes, pool cues, etc. I don't know exactly what kind of apocalypse you really have in mind, but I know it'd be EASY to get through.
| Perswante 9/17/12 . chapter 3
There are no characters, just a list of names each chapter. The situation is unrealistic(yes I know, zombies aren't realistic in general), especially for a group of teenagers. Shit, are you even planning this? I can't stand following the events because of how poorly described it all is. While I may have my own shortcomings as a writer, I make DAMN SURE to have at least the slightest differentiation between characters. But no, all I know is there is some bitch, some guy that likes said bitch and zombie bait 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. So why is this girl the leader? Main character shield? What's special about her?
You should probably stop writing this. Because it doesn't seem like you know what you're doing, nor does it seem like you're actually trying.
Might as well read that next chapter that's sitting right there though, and then offer more feedback on what you KEEP DOING WRONG.
| Dreams Into Nightmares 9/17/12 . chapter 4
More chapterssss D
| Mockingjayswillb 9/16/12 . chapter 4
I can't fit my full name in. Ugh. This review is from a reader's opinion, not your friend's opinion.
Anyway, the plot is progressing, which is good, however it's seems WAY too easy. You've watched the walking dead: it wasn't easy for Rick to do ANYTHING. He killed his best friend because of the apocalypse's stress, and the lack of trust they had. Also, Shane was a bastard who was fucking his wife while he was gone, but I'll put that aside for now.
Characters I don't know the characters enough to hate them or like them. Quite frankly description in general is a bit of a problem. I, just like every other reader, REALLY wants to know how teenagers found guns, ammo, food, and water in a time when the undead began to outnumber the living.
Also! Why not explain more about the stress and emotional tension. In chapter whatever when they got perishable items at the store, why bother with perishables?
So quick summary: make it harder for them, explain them, and show the emotional tensions that would run high during a Apocalypse
| Lia Jenson 9/15/12 . chapter 4
Hmm, "testing" is the new order of the day. Yay
Uh...Still some errors, but I'll let everyone else pick those out for you.
My suspension of disbelief has been stretched to the limit, I'm sorry, no more for me.
Good luck with your writing.
| xXBlackHeart024Xx 9/15/12 . chapter 3
*Before I start, please note that everything I say is not meant as a personal attack, or that I’m trying to be mean, ect. I’m giving my personal opinion, and a bit of constructive criticism.*
I really do feel this story has the potential to be an interesting read, but there are some things that really need to be addressed.
The biggest pet peeve of mine is when little mistakes like your and you’re, and misplacing a word are overlooked. Nobody’s perfect, and I’m certainly not, but little things like that can be easily seen if you proofread a few times, and maybe even have a friend look over it as well.
Honestly, I’m not caring too much for the characters. In the start of a story, character development is essential. Right now, Heather and her friends/family sound very cliché, boring, and unappealing. Develop their personalities, and yes I know it’s only the third chapter in, but you could still flesh them out a bit. Also, what do they look like? We as the readers can’t read your mind, so when you don’t tell us these little, yet important things, you lose the audience.
Now the biggest problem I have with this story is all the inconsistencies for a zombie apocalypse…
How the hell does a couple fourteen year old kids and younger get their hands on some guns and ammo? That makes no sense, especially since there’s no back story behind any of this yet.
Put more detail into how these not so easily obtained weapons were acquired and be realistic, guns just don’t lie around in the streets waiting to be picked up.
I feel I have to say this…but the whole thing with Heather and Max, and how he likes her…ect, ect, ect, and all that is REALLY cliché and in my view, unnecessarily put. I think it could still happen…but you might want to do it a bit differently…without all the heroism and bravery stuff where he saves her and a bunch of other kids and ect.
The first chapter of any story is meant to draw the reader(s) in and make them interested to want to read more. Like I said, character development is essential, without that, you really have no story.
“we found a gun store between our school and the movie theater, found some food and water, and took shelter in the theater, our new home.”...Really?
Don’t make it so easy for your characters. A zombie apocalypse story is not meant to be something so easily overcome. If it were that easy to live in a zombie infested world, people wouldn’t freak out about it every time something even remotely zombie-ish came to the public’s attention.
…There’s no action when it could have been VERY easily presented…highly disappointing in a zombie story…
“We run in the store, and I stab a zombie from behind. I glance around the store, and I don't spot any more zombies.” This sentence blew my mind into oblivion.
So…Heather just runs into the store, not bothering to check, there’s a zombie…and she’s stabs it ONE TIME and its ‘dead’? Duh fu…?
That first encounter needs more detail…BADLY…a knife to the back of a zombies not going to do jack shit. It’s a zombie…shoot it (but don’t forget to double tap ;) ) in the head.
Why would they grab EMPTY WATER BOTTLES?! For god’s sake, if you’re risking your life to go to a grocery store to stock up, grab necessary supplies that aren’t easily perishable (cake and cereal) or completely useless (empty water bottles and books).
A fourteen year old kid…who to our understanding has no prior knowledge to owning/handling a gun…sniper shoots a zombie with a rifle…from farther than 30 yards away...? That was a bit mind boggling.
I don’t know what to say about the new character, except that it’s hard to believe she was able to outrun zombies with a bullet in her leg. I was surprised she was even able to stand.
To wrap up:
The biggest problem I see in this story is how ‘easy’ and unrealistic events are turning out to be for these kids. I know I’m being kinda redundant here…but add some challenges for them. This sounds terrible, but make them suffer.
It’s not a zombie story when survival is as easy as living within walking distance of everything you could possibly need, live comfortably in a relatively safe place, and have characters without real flaw.
Develop your characters more, add obstacles needing to be overcome, design more plot, and proofread before updating!
I sincerely hope this helps, and keep on writing! The potential here is great!
Will be following and giving tips if wanted/needed.
| Highlander5862 9/14/12 . chapter 1
The following content is meant for a mature author with the ability to take constructive criticism. Author’s discretion is advised.
chapters are used to hook the reader into the plot and establish character empathy. Sadly, this chapter does nether.
•Instead of just saying “My name is Heather. I am 14.” Answer questions like: What does Heather look like? What was her life like before the outbreak? What is she thinking and feeling?
•The most important thing you need to establish is why we, the readers, should care about Heather. If you can’t do that then you will not keep the readers interested, which is the whole point of writing a story to begin with.
•Things like “ I've been through so much hell, I might as well be dead.” Doesn’t really help the reader understand what brought the character to her current position in the story. Don’t tell us, SHOW us. Who is going to care about Heather “going through hell” without actually seeing the hell she went through? I sure as hell won’t, and nether will anyone else.
did a couple of teenagers acquire the guns, food, and shelter? SHOW US HOW!
over your work before you submit it. Errors like we instead of me or your instead of you’re are detracting from the story and constantly pull the reader outside the story.
description please. I don’t think a single sentence here is even close to descriptive enough.
•Instead of saying “ We only have some bread that's probably stale.” Say something like “The little bread we did manage to acquire has become increasingly brittle and I fear it will soon become infected with green mold.”
all polish. The story so far doesn’t really feel like a story. As I read, it became increasingly clear to me that this “story” was put together with little thought of the world around the characters or of the story’s over all plot.
problem I noticed was the lack of action.
not capture my attention at all.
suggest you rework this chapter by making some conflict where something actually happens.
real surprise here that you still are missing all of the above comments.
I would take the basic idea and rewrite it with more structure if I was you.
Looking back on my feedback you will notice one distinct differences between chapter 1 and chapters 2-3. In chapter one I explained IN DETAIL what was wrong and how you could change it. In chapters 2-3 I purposefully left out as much detail as possible so you can see the difference between well written comments and lackluster ones.
Hope you learned something,
| OxspanxO 9/8/12 . chapter 2
| OxspanxO 9/8/12 . chapter 1
great work :D
| Mockingjayswillb 9/5/12 . chapter 2
ERMEGERD ZOE'S WRITINF ABOUT ZOMBIES. YOU KNOW I FRIGGIN LOVE ZOMBIES! I like the plot so far, some characters seem a little bit familiar, as in one is someone you never shut uP about (hey I'm not judging :P) The only thing driving me crazy is that your use of your and you're incorrectly ...But aside from that...update!
| Perswante 9/5/12 . chapter 2
Well this hasn't gotten better in the fantasy department. And before anyone says anything, yes of course zombies ARE technically fantasy, I mean cheery happy go-lucky fantasy, someone's ideal world in the zombie apocalypse. Also, you got CAKE? CAKE? Sure, these are teenagers, but... goddamn CAKE? No no, let's just avoid anything remotely preserved or healthy and get a cake instead! Oh? What's that? You want to throw eggs at a zombie for fun? Cool, we can have a birthday party, play "zombie egg toss" and eat some jerky! Wow, that's what's wrong with this story, you're playing off of ideal circumstances and not enough of what would really go down. Potential for something cool with the horde of zombies growing, but no, they just hop over the fence and skip back to base with their cake, jerky and eggs in hand! You have got to be shitting me. LIFE RISKING FOOD RUN, LET'S GET CAKE.
And then some errors, because I can.
"I cried myself asleep" - TO sleep, not asleep
"your screwed. Then your at the store." - Already mentioned, but a considerably bad offence.
| Lia Jenson 9/5/12 . chapter 2
I'm glad to say you entertained me enough that I don't regret Following the story.
This chapter was okay, despite some plot holes I can drive through.
And some errors:
"Really? That'd me great." That'd BE great.
"Make sure no one gets out or in, k?" Would it have killed you to just type an extra -ay? So at least it wouldn't be text-speak? OKAY?!
"That's the hardest, because if there are zombies, your screwed. Then your at the store. " YOU'RE. Just missing the little separation that makes it a short version of YOU ARE. Difference: "Your zombie!" compared to "You're a zombie!"
All right, done whining.