ooh, I love your writing style! Your descriptions are so wonderful to read. You really manage to paint a picture with your words, and I absolutely love it! Your prologue was nice and descriptive and really sets the mood, and in this chapter you managed to give a pretty good idea of your characters' personalities. I'm not the biggest fan of romance stories, but so far I really like this one! I will certainly read more of it!

I thought I'd get a few chapters in before I dropped you a review.

[The house maids scattered herbs and sundry flowers underneath the long tables in the great hall, so that once crushed under foot the scent would waft up at the King's guests. The commotion within the castle had been deafening at times, but Brynhild, at ease in her solitude, kept to her tasks. First she pulled the necessary ingredients up from the garden, gathering handfuls of fennel and sage for the roasting pork. The onions in the garden were as big as her closed fist and she gathered as many as she could into a wicker basket for the boiling pot. Then Brynhild scored an ear of lettuce with her hunting knife until the leaves were as thin and small as eyelashes. She also crushed cinnamon and nutmeg into a marble mixing bowl and blended it into the pitchers of spiced wine. When she was finished she scattered lavender under her cot, and rubbed the remainder into her cupped hands, hoping that the smell would linger on her as the evening went on.] (Chapter 1/prologue) I'm drooling, and not because of the food you describe, but rather AT the way you describe it. Your attention to detail is absolutely fabulous, you should know, and sets your story far above the fictionpress norm.

Why is your prologue so short though? Ah, it kills me. It is so short and nothing really happens, other than an artfully done delivery of exposition. Your writing deserves better than that.

In chapter one, why is the Prince seated at a side table? Would it not be traditional for ALL of the royal family to be seated at the high table? Especially if he is the heir (which he may not be, maybe I just haven't gotten far enough into the chapter yet if that is the case). But still, even if he is not the heir, IMO he should be seated at the high table with the King.

Ah, young obsessed women in love, and my, isn't she persistent. Er...frighteningly persistent. Girl needs help.

[I know you and the King were once playfellows, as you and the Prince are now.] - (Chapter two/three) That is wrong on so many levels. I don't know whether to be horrified or amused.

Dun Dun Dun, and so the evil witch of the west was born. Nah but seriously, AWESOME WRITING. I am really enjoying everything in your story. The writing is good, the detail is good, the characters are good. My only point of contention is the length of the chapters, though honestly it has been nice to be able to tear through them so quickly.

Props, props, and more props.

Good Luck and Happy Writing,

-Infected

I don't think I like Lisbet. It's telling that she seems to be more affectionate to Kaspar, the future king, than to her son. Her horror at seeing Brynhilde is understandable, but not necessarily her ranting when the woman was so old and frail. That's not to say that she can outlive her evil. It's an interesting area for drama and I look forward to more.
Poor Senora, so willing to accept her position as clandestine, lowly lover. Knowing how strong her and Ranulf's feelings are for each other, that's very sad and is another strike against Lisbet.
I love that Dirk will protect Bryn because of his devotion to Aurora.
At this point I'm really interested to see if Kaspar continues being the perfect suitor or if that will change. He seems to be isolating her from Bryn and it will be interesting to see how long he resists Aurora being right next door.
["It is there way. The old Duke—my uncle—was a cold man."]-their

I won't comment too much on the plot as I'm not a fan of romance stories, but I will say that your characters seem to have a whole lot more depth than you usually get in this genre.

So far, I'm not a fan of Bryn though I do feel sorry for her. I think she is more than slightly deluded about her chances of a real relationship with the King. Your writing suggests she was just a teenage fling. At least, that is the impression I get from how you portray their interactions.

You made good use of your dialogue, the different personalities of your characters shone through, which made my inability to relate to Bryn clearer. I am just a very different personality. You wrote the prince perfectly, he was an obnoxious, spoilt little boy.

And now, because I'm a book editor in training, here are some speling/grammar/structure issues I came across in this chapter: (delete) [change/addition/suggestion] {comment}
. . . our honored liege lord and King!" (C)[c]ried Lord Guerin . . .
. . . he nodded his head in approval toward her. (After which)[Then] he raised his own glass and without words[,] marked a silent toast to her as well. . . .
. . . serve the young Prince a plate of umbel pie(. A)[, a] dish {a new sentence is generally a new thought but this was expanding/explaining the previous sentence so should be joined by a comma, not separated by a full stop}
. . . But despite the Prince's young age of four[,]( summers){unecessary} . . . word would reach his father[,] the King. . . . ((all be it)[albeit] a side table) . . .
. . . before Brynhild could stop him[,] Oren grabbed her by the hair . . . She was so stunned she couldn't grab (a )hold of him . . . The guests were ({or [otherwise occupied, so]}) oblivious . . .
. . . For the first time that evening[,] the King looked at Brynhild. When his eyes met hers she felt her entire body flutter, and she had to (contain)[keep] a dizzying gasp from escaping through her lips.
. . . right," he said, breaking away from her stare and turning back to his wife(,)."I think it's time that he retires to bed." {previous dialogue was a complete sentence, so although it ended with a comma, the new dialogue is a new sentence.}
. . . from her lap, gently, but forcibly[,] because he clung to her robes not wanting to go.
. . . Queen Aurorette turned back to her[, ready to ask if]( as though) Brynhild needed something else . . .
. . . In a few darkened corners[,] she saw some of the serving maids . . .
. . . She had concocted a mixture of herbs that she always kept in a (vile)[vial] tucked inside her skirts . . . It was not long (after entering his bedchamber that)[before] he (had )lazily drifted off to sleep . . .
. . . Many of her nights had been spent in [similar] ways( such as this). The waiting was (always)[made] bearable by the thought of Frederick . . .
When he finally did turn into the corridor[,] he didn't at first see her. The shadow(')s had lengthened since she'd stepped out of the boy[']s room and obscured her (there)[from view]. . . .
. . . her arms quickly encircling his neck, her (voice)[breath] hot against his ear. . . .
. . . In a single[,] quick motion she had his trousers unfastened . . . his red hair fell forward against his face(,) and Brynhild . . .
Still grasping onto him with one hand[,] she used her other . . .
. . . "You are no longer a child[,] Bryn(,) and I am no longer a boy." . . .
. . . he pushed her back against the wall forcibly, her head slamm[ed](ing) against the rough stone.
. . . She found herself wailing into the darkness, her damp cheek scratching against the (spackled)[speckled] stone . . .

Overall, I have to say that although your story description intrigues me, it is not for me. My dislike of romance, coupled with a main character that though well-written, I find not very likable, add to that the awkward phrasing you use at times and it all works against my ability to immerse myself in the story. In spite of this, I hope some of my comments have been at least a little helpful.

I like some of the imagery you use here, though some of your sentence structuring reads a little awkward. I am assuming once you get into the rythym of the story it will smooth out. I will also point out a small error in the second last paragraph because it jumped out at me: ranks of the King's soldier(')s bend... bend is a description not a possession.
Reading on...

So, that chapter is horrible for a reader who's gotten attached to your characters (the lovable ones at least). Reading it again made it worse. The first time I read it I actually thought that Brynhild would leave Oren alone after knifing him the first time, and that he would somehow make it, and I was so sad that she actually made sure he was dead. She should die burning on a stake (but hey, just an idea).

This chapter is important, I know, but I was disappointed that the PoV changed. For me, Part 1 belonged to Brynhild, and Part 2 to Aurelia, and it kinda bothered me that Brynhild was back here. But other than that, I loved it.

The beginning is so sweet and cute, it's a harsh contrast with the ending of this chapter. Aurelia and Oren were just perfect making plans and just loving each other and being happy, I felt sorry for them that it was so short.

I understand why Aurelia went with Brynhild, but I think you should develop it a little more. Aurelia should take longer to be convinced of going with her. I liked Brynhild's reaction though, it was logical considering the character and the fact that she only knows that Aurelia and Oren are actually blood related.

I liked how you used Aurelia's naive side and her lack of knowledge about everything, including her own body and things like pregnancy. It fits with her upbringing and how Brynhild tried to keep her 'pure'. It also gives us a first hint about how Aurelia will fall.

Though Oren's reaction is great, he sounds too knowledgeable about pregnancy in my opinion. He might have seen some pregnant women in the village, but he's never seen morning sickness, birthing, etc... I'd like to see him a little bit more - baffled, maybe? I'm not sure I'm being very clear here.

I liked the dream in the first part of this chapter. You managed to convey the feeling that Aurelia was dreaming immediatly, and your style really matches the atmosphere.

I'm still not convinced by the supernatural aspect of Part Two, but I think you handled it well anyway. And you use it to give a tragic aspect to the story of Aurelia and Oren, with her being warned but still losing Oren, her baby and ultimately her own life, and I liked that.

I also liked it when she found her father's body. I'm a bit surprised she didn't explore and found it before, but hey, it wouldn't make a good scene if she already knew it was here! Still, maybe you should explain why she never goes to the inner keep.

Opening - I'm not so sure I believe that Bryn carried Fred to his room - give me more of an image there or - I think it would be better if she had someone else do it or help her and then threatened them not to tell the guards, etc. I'm kind of coming across that problem in my own story - was going to have Kit pass out, but he's like 6 feet tall - no way Char could lift him, haha. I could see Bryn dragging Fred, but she'd have to take breaks and stuff. ANYWAY - Sorry, xD Getting perhaps too technical. At any rate, I want to mention that you did a good job with the intensity of the opening scene between Fred and Bryn. We really dive right into the action with this one.

Character - Bryn really hits the breaking point during this chapter and it really came down hard. I think we get the hints of that when we see it in her last perspective. These chapters have been interesting towards the end because we kind of stop following Bryn, go to Fred, and in this chapter I would argue we're very zoomed out from what Bryn is actually thinking and it's all dependent on the description of action. We're not necessarily in anyone's head. I think being closer to Bryn's perspective would be a pretty scary place to be right now, though. But overall this was an intense chapter and had some very intense dialogue/action in it. I liked that she reached the breaking point. His death was actually unexpected (though I did see it coming from last chapter) and I love that we finally get to see the "retelling" aspect.

Relationships - We finally get this super warped scary relationship between Fred and Bryn and it was friiightening. The whole sexual relationship thing edging necrophilia was really well done. Like I mention above, I think this is really where we see her breaking point happening when she immediately goes for sex. You described things pretty well - I will mention though that we don't get a mention that Fred actually came or anything, which makes me both wonder if nothing happened because he wasn't actually aroused (but then I'm not quite sure how she even had sex with him), sooo it makes me wonder if something will come out of their relationship (aka, a child). I'm sure this mystery might be solved in the next part, as it seems I'm nearing the end of the first one. This part really ended with a horror-esque bang!

Plot - I like the plot so far and this plot twist / break down of Bryn. I'm really curious to see where we pick up in the next part, but I'm guessing we'll probably take a big skip ahead of time. Really interested to see what happens with Oren too - we kind of leave him in a bad place at the end and that makes me nervous to see what kind of person he'll actually turn out to be. I think the plot progression really picked up in the past few chapters and we really see the climax (no pun intended) happening in this chapter. Now we have the falling action left! I think the highlights of this part so far have been the relationship between Bry and Fred and his relationship with his wife too. Anyway, like I've been saying last review and this one, looking forward to more and the part jump!

Good choice of words and imagery as the chapter progresses. Initially, Brynhild is portrayed with no hint of malice, performing innocent tasks like dealing with herbs and plants, and preparing food. However, as we move through the chapter, the imagery gradually increases in menace and danger - 'snake-like ranks', 'inky blackness', 'moth wings' - and accordingly, we begin to realize that Brynhild is not all that she seems to be.

However, I didn't like how there was a disconnect between what's happening with King Frederick and his warriors and what Brynhild was doing. Of course, this will be expanded on later, but I feel that it would have been a better idea to elaborate more on what the King was doing to make the reader care more about those parts of the chapter. Just a minor flaw that I thought I'd bring up.

Relationship - I liked that we opened seeing the relationship between Guerin and Fred. I have to say though, Guerin feels a little stock-character in this scene because I don't feel like I knew him well enough at this point to feel bad at his passing. There wasn't a whole lot of showing their relationship until this scene - so maybe more development on their relationship to bring us here would've made me feel more sympathetic for Fred when Guerin dies. That being said, I do like that we see this, like I mentioned, because it depicts Fred's relationship with the rest of his kingdom and his attendants too. I think that's a good thing to start portraying as everything starts to fall around him.

Plot - Oh man, the plot of this chapter is scary! Looks like Bryn's plan has backfired. Might we actually see the death of Fred and perhaps Bryn's suicide following it? That would definitely show us a twist of the original tale for sure. I have to admit - I didn't see him drinking the water coming. Interesting that the poison works so quickly in his system and not the others - but the last paragraph was very well written as far as imagery and one of those poetic moments I mention in the next paragraph!

Writing - The writing in the first few paragraphs of this section didn't feel as smooth as it normally does - there were some unneeded words and I think maybe a comma between 'cursed' and but in the third paragraph could improve some of the flow of that particular sentence. Normally though, I do enjoy your writing, it's traditionalist in that I don't see a lot of risks taken, but it always makes sense and is clear to decipher. I love waiting for the moments when I can see some of your poetic language leaking through the words of the narratives.

Enjoyment - Short! These chapters always feel small - I would've liked more development with setting and perhaps more between Guerin and Fredrick, but I do like that you take the time to mention their prior friendships on the battle fields. At any rate, I think the most enjoyable part of this chapter is seeing the unexpected plot twist happen. It makes me really want to read more and find out what might happen concerning Bryn's idyllic dream and how everything is unraveling. I have to say though - the children are probably okay - but as for their father, it's anyone's guess. Really loved that! Looking forward to continuing!

[but Aurelia could see that he was growing bored]
I think it would be more logical if he was growing annoyed. I mean, he's bound to feel some embarassement talking about this with Aurelia, isn't he?

I liked how Aurelia is so interested in his experience outside, but I think it should be both because of her jealousy and her curiosity. Given that she has had almost no experience outside of the castle, it'd not be suprising she's so excited about knowing every detail.
I also liked how she used the shocking revelation of having seen him masturbating to hold him in place and then get him to tell her everything. It's sort of manipulative, in a subconscious way, and makes me wonder how much she learned from Brynhild.

I liked the way you built-up the intensity of the scene and slowly progressed from a confession into sex. Again, I had a feeling that Aurelia was in charge for most of the action and got Oren to do what she wanted, but at the end it seemed to balance itself somewhat, and I liked the way you handled it.

The opening is great, I liked how Aurelia tried to mask her real thoughts by changing the subject and then ended up getting really interested in it. I also liked how Aurelia doesn't really recognize herself in Aurorette but only partly, because most kids aren't a perfect reflection of their parents, and it also served as a reminder that Aurelia is supposed to look more like Frederick.

I think the part in the Mausoleum could do with more descriptions, so that we get a real feeling of the somber and damp atmosphere. I liked how Oren was uncomfortable and ended up retching, it works with him having subconscious memories of burying his mother and the pains attached to it.

Brynhild's as harsh as ever with Oren, it's amazing. I liked that she made herself the hero in the story she created for him, taking him in after his mother's death and raising him without asking for anything, which sort of prevents Oren from showing her as the villain she is. I also like that Oren's relationship with Brynhild is balanced with their respective relationships with Aurelia.

I liked the scene where Aurelia watches Oren masturbating while he thinks of her. Still has that slightly creepy factor of incest, but it made an interesting echo to Brynhild watching Frederick and Aurorette having sex.

[His legs were stretched out straight in front of him, bent outward at the knee.]
I didn't understand how they could both be bent and straight?