|Reviews for Psychosis|
| 42istheanwser 5/9/13 . chapter 3
I like this, although the father seems rather unconcerned and a few symptoms are missing, although it's different for each patient. I hope to see more!
| fictionullFreaK 9/7/12 . chapter 2
Rather emotional scene here. However, the beginning bothered me a bit. It's a bold statement to say that mentally ill children don't get any sympathy, unlike physically ill children-and it's not always true. There's actually a lot of people who understand behavor problems. You could say something along the lines of Lola's disappoinment at how some people treat her son. 'Some' being the operative word there.
The woman in the store is a good example of people who aren't understanding, though.
Also, she refers to him as a six-year-old child. The first chapter states that he's only five...a small thing, but still caught my eye.
Liam's part is pretty good. Nice show of concern from him, and a sweet moment between them.
| fictionullFreaK 9/7/12 . chapter 1
Alrighty, here to review!
First off, interesting concept here. I think you could elaborate so much more on it; particularly the conversation between Lola and Dave. This is a very serious event in their lives. It seems like something they would discuss at length, or at least show more emotion toward. You don't really show Dave's reaction to the news, so he comes across as indifferent. I think you could really play around with that little scene, if you chose to.
I'd recommend separating the individual bits of dialogue into their own paragraphs. It makes it easier to read, and to tell who's talking. There were a few mechanical errors (spelling, punctuation, and grammar), but nothing a quick proof-read won't fix.
This story definitely has potential, but you might want to consider slowing it down. Everything is moving so quickly, there's almost no chance to get attached to your characters. I understand that Lola is a caring mother, and Liam is a generally sweet little boy, but that's about it. The reader needs to somehow connect with your characters in order to really get involved.
Good start, overall. Keep up the good work!