|Reviews for Yellower|
| hanfiddle 9/12/12 . chapter 1
very impressive (and inspiring - as always) mixture of story (fact) and stream of consciousness. poetry can do this - better than other media (I find)
| Small Wings Flying 9/9/12 . chapter 1
I don’t know about the word metamorphose – it doesn’t seem to suit the flow when I read it out loud. I think metamorph would work better – albeit it is slang and metamorphose is the correct word. I’ve never actually seen it being used before though, but it’s a syllable too long.
[The ripened rarity of a sullen gaggle] – I like the repetition of the “r” there, but I think you could have followed through with the “sullen gaggle” – I don’t think “gaggle” is specific for women, is it? We used to call it a “gossip” of women but that’s beside the point. If you’re going for imagery /and/ sound, a sullen suit comes to mind for some reason (although you may have to consider the connotations of suit) or grim/gloomy gaggle. Would add an extra element.
Overall, I love your imagery; it’s really thought-provoking and comes together. Your word choices are interesting too, but I think you may need to work on your sound and form a tad more. For me, the transition from long-line stanzas to short is rather abrupt and the context doesn’t quite follow. There’s a lot of opportunity for things like alliteration you’ve only half used. Eg: [liable to reinvent itself at the
slightest shift in the wind,] – why not sea?
[He kisses me on the cheek;
a formal expression, grandiose,] – colon instead of semicolon I think.