|Reviews for Fallen World|
| kingofgoblins 9/30/12 . chapter 2
Well, first of all, how strange! Helia is also the name of a country in my own story.
In the first paragraph I'd say “so at the end of the day, there would be a lot of disappointed people going home.” It flows a little better because the story is primarily told in past tense and you brought it into present tense for that single sentence. Also, you don't need to emphasize that there will be a WHOLE lot of people, since the reader should be able to infer that a lot is a ton of people. However, this last point is more of a stylistic thing, so some people won't mind it at all.
In the second paragraph you say, “watching people go at it with all they got.” which comes across as a rather informal manner of writing. I'd recommend, “watching people go at it with all the had.” However, once again, this is more stylistic. I would also say “For men it was work in the city or villages, go home, eat, and buy food, unless they were hunters, in which case they bring their own food home.”
In the third paragraph you write, “So make sure that they are the ones to win...” where I believe you mean, “To make sure that they are the one to win the tournament, to not only become a knight taking orders only from the king and council, but to have their families set for life in Helian castle.”
The first sentence in the fourth paragraph is written a little oddly. I'd write it as, “However, one competitor in the Helian Knighthood Tournament did not look forward to the fights that he would have to compete in to win.
In paragraph seven, you write, “...and accidently began to choke on it due when he did not chew enough” I think, “...and accidentally began to choke on it because he didn't chew it enough.” Also, “This was one of the people that Raile would have rather not had went up against.” would sound better as, “This was one of the people that Raile would have rather not fought.”
In paragraph nine Paul says, “You will always be the way just another city rat.” It could be either, “You will always be that way, just another city rat.” Or, “You will always be in the way, just another city rat.” Also, you write, “Paul began intimidated,” which makes it sound like Paul is intimidated by Raile.
In paragraph twenty one, the closing sentence is, “They were considered one of the most poorest family in the city.” It should be, “They were considered one of the poorest families in the city.”
So, for overall feels, it was a decent introductory chapter that shows the (assumed) main character, and is giving me a sort of 'rags to riches' vibe. I get the feeling something will happen in Ogatoke, perhaps Raile finding some fragment of your custodem Pacis, which launches him into some huge journey, presumably after some rematch with Paul Greason, which is such a small time villain name, haha.
Raile is kind of peculiar to me. He clearly doesn't have too great a life selling a fruit, yet he doesn't want to do anything else with his life. I mean, a freakoutish mother, constant ridicule, and failiure doesn't usually make a person want to stay in the same place. It would make more sense if he honestly wanted to become a knight, or if you put in a section detailing that he only wants to be a fruit salesman because he knows nothing else and doesn't care for change. Him wanting to be a fruit salesman is offset by you saying he joined the tournament to get out of working as a fruit salesman.
As for Paul, I predict he will be beaten with ease at some point and kinda phase out of the story as the sort of end game for Raile's first character arc. Though it would be interesting to see him kinda be a Seifer (from Final Fantasy 8) and be a recurring villain as he gains strength throughout the story, with him possibly being a sort of mirror of Raile.
You have a decent writing voice, but I recommend doing more revision, which I know is sort of calling the kettle black.(I mean, this is the guy who called his main character Link for a chapter.) You make several grammatical and spelling errors which could be glaring to some people. Especially in your summary and the title of chapter two. You named chapter two, 'the dual' and it should be 'the duel'. There are a lot of people that will simply stop reading a story because of it's grammar/spelling errors.
I do believe that's all I've got to say for this one, and I urge you to continue writing.
| kingofgoblins 9/14/12 . chapter 1
Fairly good descriptions.
In second paragraph too much time is spent
laboring, telling us that the two men in black
cloaks appear the same. Simply saying, “
Two cloaked beings walked side by side
along a road, garbed in identical clothes that
covered their faces as well as their body.”
should be “long staff that bore a white gem”
The story would benefit from the use of more transitional
In paragraph four
I think he means, “Finally, my plan has come into fruition!”
I'm diggin' the fall of chipotle
ninth paragraph – “should be instead of listening to the
warning of his bird”
Also in paragraph nine you write, “rotted claws in on each
hand” It should be “rotted claws on each hand”
if you are trying to make the older one sound threatening,
I'd recommend swapping up his dialogue a little. For
example, the line, “Leave us be, or you will regret
it for a few seconds” isn't particularly threatening. However,
were he to say, “Leave us be, or you will regret it” that
leaves it seeming like a state of perpetual regret, making
the character seem more intimidating. Later on you make
this better with the line, “Now I would rid the world of your
repulsive image.” that is a very villanous line.
Paragraph fifteen – the troll should probably say “it will
If possible, try and combine sentences that would make sense
together. For example, “Now the light covered the troll like
a blanket. The old spell caster gave a small grin.” could
be written with better flow as, “The old spell caster gave
a small grin as the light covered the troll like a blanket”
paragraph nineteen – it would sound better if you wrote,
“except the secret that was in the cave.” Switching up the
tenses confuses the reader about the chronology of events,
so it's something you should avoid doing unless it's important
for the story.
Paragraph twenty – the opening sentence would sound
better if it was written as, “The original beings that roamed
Forniza created a creature...” From then on you can use the
word, “had” and have it sound all right.
Paragraph twenty two – The old man is describing what the
old ones did. It should be, “sealed it in a comatose state
and hid it in this very cave...” Also, it should be “The
fragments were scattered to random locations...”
Paragraph twenty six – The line should be “So most features
were covered...” Remember that in the past reffering to one
thing is generally “Was” and multiple things are, “were”
As a whole it's a relatively good story and I look forward to you continuing. I just recommend a bit tighter proof reading, though i can understand the excitement of having something done and wanted to show it off to the world. ;) . My primary issue is you don't really use alot of transition words, leading to semi-choppy sentences. So just take all that in, and the writing will probably improve exponentially. If you felt this was too harsh, I apologize, and I'm just trying to help. :)