|Reviews for Bound By Stars|
| Anxious Axolotl 9/17/12 . chapter 2
Very interesting, you certainly got the plot going quickly! I sort of wondered why the prologue and the first chapter were not just part of the same chapter, as they're both very short and the first chapter directly follows on from the prologue. I think you would really benefit from finding yourself a beta-reader, I noticed a number of spelling mistakes and a few others, such as [chocking] - should be 'choking' and [wipped] - should be 'whipped' and [half of he blanket] - should be 'her', not 'he'.
[not caring it they landed] should be 'if' instead of 'it'. Also, the rest of the sentence, [on the floor on the other side of her twin bed as they did.] was difficult to follow, I wasn't sure what you meant at all so I think it could use some rewording.
[she felt it want to be forgoten] Correct spelling is 'forgotten', but even with the correct spelling, I still couldn't understand what you meant. Also, [The one whom holds the power] ahould be 'who', not 'whom', 'whom' is never the subject of a sentence. [glutinous hate] Unless you mean the hate was sticky, the word you want is 'gluttonous' which has a different meaning entirely.
[which had only had the shade slightly amiss from lying on it side.] This was difficult to visualise, the lamp was on the floor but I'm not sure what happened to the shade. I think the word you want to use is 'askew', not 'amiss', though.
[Amazed she set it down gingerly] This is fine, but the next sentence starts with [She set it gingerly on the table closest to her.], if she picked it up again, you need to say. Otherwise, I think this was an accidental repetition.
[Almost forgetting the other peculiarity and her dream, in which all she could remember ] I'm not sure what you mean by ' the other peculiarity' and ' in which' should probably be 'from which' instead, or you could just change it to 'all she could remember from it was...'. I think there's meant to be some punctuation between 'dark' and 'she' because it doesn't sound right without a pause between them.
Although it was very fast paced, it was hard to visualise what was going on. What sort of house does Avalon live in? Does she live by herself? What does Avalon look like? You don't need huge paragraphs of description, but a few words here and there go a long way. I hope the rest of the plot is this fast paced and that you update soon, I'm very curious to see what Avalon does about this mysterious note!
| Anxious Axolotl 9/17/12 . chapter 1
Very cryptic start, I have no idea what's going on - but I want to find out! The opening was a little hard to follow, I'm not sure what you meant by 'ever eating darkness'. At the very least, it's a difficult thing to visualise. The following part, [ it's emptiness swallowing her choking her slowly.] is confusing too. First, it should be 'its', not 'it's'. There needs to be a comma or an 'and' between 'her' and 'choking' otherwise it runs together and sounds unnatural. Personally, I though [ She trembles as the darkness clutches her and steals her breath.] was a much better line, so I'd get rid of [ it's emptiness swallowing her choking her slowly.] in favour of that because both lines basically say the same thing. I also thought the first paragraph went on a little too long without saying anything new, just rephrasing how there was no light and it was chocking her, you might want to consider describing how she's trying to escape or how she's feeling instead because there wasn't much detail about that.
[ an eventual basis.] could easily cut down to 'eventually', that would flow much better with the rest of the language you used and not sound like it belonged in a legal document.
Off to read the next chapter now to find out what happens!