RG Review:
Hmm, and here I was thinking 426 was a dorm number. Maybe it still is.
I liked this little story for how we get to look at the introspective view of this girl. She's so self-conscious, it's pretty adorable. I'm almost tempted to ask if this was you. You are going to uni soon right?

As for what I disliked, I'd say the parentheses. I see what you were doing with them but...
1) The opening parentheses are too close to the previous word. put a space between them.
2) Use them sparingly. 3 of them near the end seems a little clumped together.

All in all though, you did a good job! Continue writing!

Nice, I'm studying third person present tense this year, so reading experiments like this are good.
BTW was this a typo "What the you doing?" ?