|Reviews for Revenant|
| Argentum Vir 2/4/13 . chapter 1
First off, I wish to apologize for going so slow with my obligations lately. I've been busy and haven't had the time to actually sit down and provide a review or seven. Actually I've busy with my own work lately and I may soon have a stable job, so the next reviews may or may not be slow in coming as well.
To begin, I love the setting. Japan has always seemed picturesque when discussing the legends of the dead. I think it's only fitting such a story takes place there. My usual niggles with Honorifics mixed with the English language aren't cropping up here, so that's a great start (perhaps I've just gotten used to it with P4). As per the usual, your language is wonderful. I actually suggested your writing to a friend and he instantly became a fan.
You may want to consider what a person does when their stomach heaves. This is a minor complaint, but a person doesn't threaten to heave, they either do, or do not. Instead, heaving is a precursor to throwing up so perhaps a better word in this case would be "empty".
[ His brain felt like it was about to explode and his stomach threatened heave.]
I refer to the last word in this sentence. I'd say change "heave" to "to empty".
I also like the way you narrate most of Kazuya's reactions. It's a style I wish I could imitate. Some of it does sound off beat, but that's probably just me and my weird perceptions at times.
Another minor problem I have is with a few descriptions of the characters (few meaning one in this case). "White-blonde hair" just makes me think of really fair hair. Silver however is the term that puts the shade into perspective. Perhaps you should consider removing the "blond" part and instead making it "white-sliver" since that is an actual color of silver.
| Luckycool9 10/24/12 . chapter 1
I like how the chapter ended with a cliff-hanger because it gives the reader a hook to hold on to, something to want them to remember this story. I disliked how we have no memory of what happened in the graveyard because it seems like a giant gap in the arch. I await more.
| Vernelley 10/13/12 . chapter 1
I really liked the start of this; there was some really poetic description of the darkness, and I think it was a great way of drawing in reader attention.
The depiction of Kazuya's emotions and actions is very realistic; he's evidently confused because of his memory loss and his behaviour portrays that confusion. Who wouldn't be unsettled if they found themselves in his situation?
I found the part where he tried to get help from strangers quite realistic; it's a scene you see a lot in fiction, but it happens a lot in real life as well (the bystander effect, if you're familiar with it). It's a bit unfortunate that the one who actually goes out of their way to offer Kazuya help wants to eat him. Yeesh that part was creepy.
I'd say the appearance of this girl feels a bit like a typical supernatural shoujo plot; male who thinks he's regular, but isn't, runs into a girl who knows about it - kind of like Shakugan no Shana - but I'm sure you have an interesting spin on it. Actually I think the more atypical character of the two is Kazuya; the state of being dead/nonexistent I've seen before, but not an element like the Voice in this genre. It has its own distinctive character in that it gives guidance and advice, but it can also be quite snarky.
I think the only thing that might be improved is the length; it's long for a first chapter, but I feel that cutting anything here would diminish the effect it generated. As with what I mentioned when I reviewed Touch, maybe you could save the A/N for the following chapters.
Also, just as a technical thing, I'd suggest taking out the ellipsis third line from the end. The line before already says his thought process were slow, so having it there without any dialogue or narration is redundant, and also technically incorrect.
Anyway, since this and Touch take place in the same universe, it'll be interesting to see how they connect. I'll honestly admit I was more impressed by this introduction than I was by that of Touch, though. But good writing so far.
from the RH
(P.S. I have one more review to pay you back for, plus one extra for being HnEBJ's 150th reviewer ;D Please PM me to let me know what you want reviewed.)
| Katsurou Shimizu 10/10/12 . chapter 1
Wow, you really do dark settings and atmosphere like a natural. There's little I can say about your description and pacing, which is once more top-notch.
I particularly liked your use of metaphoric language in "girl had oblivion down to an art".
Plenty of stuff already happening in this chapter, with the main character with the voice in his head, the old woman and the girl at the end. I really am looking forward to the next chapter already.
That said, I thought the word "baka" could have been left as "idiot" in the context of an english-original work, but that's just a ridiculous nitpicking of mine really.
| TheBloodEdge 9/24/12 . chapter 1
... I'll just say that this is written well enough that I have a hard time trying to grasp things.
But with a second read, I have managed to conclude that this is something like Bleach... Before Aizen came around. That's not a bad thing. I totally love the concept of a ghost protagonist!
I'll safely say that I want to see more of this! There's so many questions piling up in my head and it's just the first chapter!
| Loraine Wentworth 9/23/12 . chapter 1
You do a good job of setting up a really chilling atmosphere here- this is a really effective way of starting the story. It really caught my attention.
Kazuya sounds like an interesting character. I'm intrigued to find out more about his backstory, and about the revenants. The girl introduced at the end also sounds interesting so I'll be reading your next update to see what happens.
Overall, this was enjoyable to read.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 9/22/12 . chapter 1
Okay, I'm trying to get back to the hang of reviewing things at the moment. That plus my focus isn't that game on right now, so if this review seem sub-par, I apologize.
Firstly, let me just say that your grasp of imagery and emotions is top notch. I can virtually envision the scenarios you've portrayed and the feelings of Kazuya as a character really shone through. The pacing of the plot is really tight. In the starting chapter, you've already threw the core of the big picture right into the readers' face like an incoming F1 racer. A good thing if I say so myself since such a means would ensure the readers wanting for more. That you've given them a taste of what should be coming. Pretty addictive like opium lol!
Now let me just say a bit on Kazuya himself. Firstly, it's a given that not only is he your main character, but above all he's your focal character. That one person whom the plot will revolve around. It's relatively easy to do the former. The latter case would be far harder because not only should his existence justify the plot, you must also ensure that his presence is the only reason why the story and characters move forward. Simply put, no Kazuya, no plot and no rest of the cast. Hope I'm making sense here because I'm intending this to be a compliment. :)
On his emotions, I do see an inseparable link between it and the story. That a lot of the plot progression here at least for this chapter hinges heavily on that. It really reminds me of Saya no Uta where despite it's mentally compromising themes, the glue holding everything together is not the characters' choices or acts, but rather their emotions driving them to do so. Yes, it's a quality work bar all those... erm forget it. And besides, my information actually came from third person sources because I don't have to balls to play the game. Plus Singapore even banned Berserk, so that really says something.
Onto the nature of his emotions, it's really interesting to see that his state of amnesia had something to do with it. I'm not too sure if it's a case of amnesia being the cause of his emotions or events prior being the cause instead. You've left a very interesting question mark for us all here. It's like what caused the accident. The driver or problematic parts of the car?
Old woman is creepy. But above all, I truly doubt the likes of her are merely soul eaters so as to speak. To me, it's very likely that souls like Kazuya had something to do with these entities. Weirdly enough, that reminds me of how the Black Beast consumes every life in the BlazBlue lore. Or how Yuan of Samurai Deeper Kyo consumes the souls of his victims (albeit Kamijyo Akimine didn't do any shit in terms of in-depth explanation).
As for the girl, I assume she's Izumi. So far so good, I can't formulate a coherent take on her. Is she mysterious? Yes. But due to the extent of her exposure, it will be a tall task for me to have a certain impression on her character, enigmatic or otherwise. That's the unavoidable drawback on this being Kazuya-centric chapter.
-From the RH
A Ranger's Tale
| CieloRayn 9/22/12 . chapter 1
This was a great start to your story though there were a few mistakes like at some point you put words where it wasn't needed. Also you put ration instead of rational. Other than a couple minor mistakes, I liked it ). I'm curious to see how this plays out.
| mingsquared 9/21/12 . chapter 1
Hello from the Roadhouse!
This is certainly an interesting and fast-paced start to the story. I would've liked to see him interact with some more people before he got attacked and found out he was dead (maybe go home, or some place where his friends hanged out), but I'll wait until the next chapter to see what happens. Your writing style is very good, short but at the same time it gets the emotions and actions across perfectly. It definitely feels like I'm reading an manga. Good work so far!
| Anihyr Moonstar 9/19/12 . chapter 1
I like the way you open this. On the one hand, the bold italics for the Voice's speech is a little jarring, but I don't have a better recommendation for distinguishing between that and Kazuya's own thoughts, so I don't feel justified in complaining much. Even with the process of getting used to the formatting, I think you do a good job of making the scene open in a way I can almost picture drawn out on manga pages (a dark scene, broken up by first only fragments of speech, confusion, and then the light).
I think you handle Kazuya's confusion (and fear) well without going over the top. He's afraid, yes, but he still functions and he seeks out logical courses of action. The build-up of suspense in the first chapter (as the reader tries to figure out along with Kazuya just *what* is going on) is nice and steady - not too slow or too rushed, and believable.
The old woman was creepy from the beginning, but not so creepy that it didn't make sense for him to trust her, at least at first, when he couldn't get anyone else's attention.
And, of course, lovely "cliffhanger" even if - from the summary - we kind of knew it was coming. ;) Poor Kazuya. I think my favorite portion in this chapter was, oddly enough, all of his back-and-forth bits with the Voice. Fairly typical, maybe - to have a narrator that hears voices get into arguements with them or at least not get smoothly along with them - but still funny in my opinion. Nice work. :D
- Moonstar (Found you through Roadhouse - if you would, review return either The Coquette and the Thane, Snakes and Snails, or Shades of Red, at your convenience.)