I LUV LUV LUV THE CONCEPT OF THIS BOOK, HOWEVER BLISS NEEDS TO GET OVER HERSELF. AND BANE ACTS LIKE HE NEVER LOST A FIGHT. & THAT BRE LOL I FEEL LIKE I CAN CALL HER THAT WE GO WAY BACK LIKE 7 CHAPTERS... ANYWAY BREE WILL ALWAYS BE TO FACED I MEAN THE POOR GIRL TURNS INTO A WOLF FOR GOODNESS SAKE CAN SHE HELP WHAT SHE WAS BORN TO BE...

and to the arthor when i find u i will make confess the truth this was my story how could u i mean why would u be so cold:(...it took me years to find who stole my precious book but, your'S is of lie's and stupid names BUT TO ALL YOU FAN OF THE TRUE THE COTTONTREE STORIES FOLLOW ME .COM

i want more...

this story is timeless with the start that could take you anywhere

i love it

Hey, there! Need a comma between "go" and but" instead of a period. And another comma after "sure" and a dash or semi-colin between that sentence and the next. I suspect you use punctuation by how it sounds, but it doesn't always work. Lovely descriptions in the first paragraph! Comma between "children" and "for." I won't mention any other comma things, but it's something to be aware of. The semi-colin between "is" and "curse" may be better as a dash, though that line is thin. Missed a space between "love" and "and." Comma between "two" and "I" instead of a period. "Sunflower" is one word :-) This is a very interesting start, with a lovely use of details that convey the tone and the images of the story. Very interested in the use of light versus darkness you're going for!

Hello from The Roadhouse!

On the technical side of things, this story needs to be proofread a few more times. I noticed a few comma errors, improper semi-colons, spelling mistakes, typos and sentence structure issues that I usually would specifically point out for you, but that’s really hard to do with this type of reviewing that FP offers. Oh, and watch your dialog tags as well and tenses.

This sounds like the beginnings of an interesting story, but I’d consider maybe switching it to third person limited POV if you’re going to be rotating the narrator so often. First person narrators have to be picked specifically because of their story telling abilities, but so far these first person narrators don’t have anything special to add to the story when it’s told through their eyes. I don’t think it would make much of a difference if it was switched to third person, and then you have a lot more options for how to tell your story when it’s in that POV.

Hope this helps!

This was a pretty good chapter, i'm getting more into it. Here's what i liked:
-You made Bane to look like a dictator type of person, when you mention that "Everyone everywhere did the bidding of Bane Dire". This, to me anyways, makes him seem like he is someone in a position of power.
-How Bane has some kind of control over Breanne, as you stated "She was truly his minion now." I think that this could mean that Bane may be blackmailing her or that she is afraid of him or something a long those lines.
There wasnt really anything i didnt like about this chapter

I love the insight into Bliss and Breanne's relationship. I've gotten the feeling before - and perhaps it wasn't intentional - but I got it again that their feelings for each other go beyond friendship (or at least toe that line). This part in particular - [Then kissed me softly behind my ear on top of my messy curls.] I was like woah, *very* 'close' friends. ;)

If this were a book, I would totally be shipping Bliss/Bre romance. Hah.

All the details about it were nice too, though - the root of their friendship's beginnings, the complications that came along the way, Bane's role in it, the lies, etc. The last line, too, makes me wonder about the specific nature of their friendship, but that's just how my mind works. Regardless, it's sad to see them falling apart and frustrating to hear Bliss's retelling of it and think that Breanne just let it happen.

I look forward to seeing other perspectives. (And hopefully to seeing their relationship repaired at some point.)

- Moonstar

I like getting to see things from Bane's perspective this chapter. It really feels like we get a glimpse into his head - what's important to him, how he classifies things, how important family (blood or not) is to him, and how the way a person acts and the choices they make influences whether they have the right to be included in that circle of "family" way more than who they were born to.

I'm also really curious about Bliss's reaction and what that "smell" might have meant. Bane seems to think she's "changing", and I suspect he's right in whatever he means, but changing into *what* is what I wonder. I'm sure that will be answered later on, but I'm definitely curious.

I look forward to seeing how this "party" goes and see the plot unfold further. :)

Technical stuff:

["She's isn't one of his descendant's." My right mind leveled me...] First "descendants", no need for the possessive apostrophe. Second, why is this in dialogue quotes? It doesn't seem like he's mumbling this out loud. Third, the phrase "My right mind leveled me..." sounds really odd. I think you mean something along the lines of: 'She isn't one of his decendants,' the logical side of my mind pointed out... (More like a thought - him arguing with himself.) Of course, use your own words; I just figured I'd point out that the current way sounds odd. xD

["Why is that?" I asked her knowing she wasn't really there.] Why is he asking "her" when it seems like, in this case, he's really just asking himself? Also, I would call her by name, at least the first time he thinks of/speaks of her. It'll help a lot with clarity as well as reinforce the relationships different characters have with each other, and help the readers to remember who everyone is.

[There grandfather was dying...] "Their"

[but his death they wouldn't morn.] "mourn"

[Lynette's tears started again and couldn't bare it.] And *I* couldn't bare it, maybe? It looks like that's what should be there, in context.

["What did I do now?"] This seems more like a thought. If he actually said it aloud, keep it in quotes. If he was just thinking it, get rid of them.

["What's your name again? he asked still holding on to her hand.] Missing a quotation after the comma.

There's more, but it takes a while to type them all out and I'd rather just move on to the next chapter, sorry. XD Again, all this stuff is what a beta would point out, so if you find a beta, they'll be able to fill that job. :)

- Moonstar

Alright I'm going to over view these three chapters in all.

So far I've found the plot to be very mysterious and I do want to find out more. HOWEVER one thing that is really not making sense is some of the character interactions (but I understand, you need to build up until there is a plot) Though the different character's points of view is making me puzzle pieces together which causes me to go back and forth. Maybe a more fuller introduction to character like the 1st or third would be helpful too. And the repetitive names starting with "B" might confuse readers since all start with B this and B that.

Anyways moving on to the good parts, I liked the imagery and setting you painted out. The language is beautifully connected and it's paced just right, not too fast or too slow. I'm looking forward to finding out more about the characters and such and what the this huge mysterious "light" is suppose to be.

P.S. Would be grateful if you could review for me too :D

Once again, a fabulous chapter. Here's what i liked:
-Imagery! The way you described the scenes were so fantastic, i could actually imagine being there
-The point of view from Bax three months after Bane's pov, very cool. I like stories that change the points of views. Really helps me to understand the characters more
-The way Baxter acts like his father is very deep, it is almost like he is becoming like his father in a good way
-Describing the way that his mother feels was a nice addition
-Telling us there location in North Dakota was good, helped me imagine the story better

What i didn't like:
-The fact that when a character starts talking it is not a new paragraph, it makes the dialogue get cluttered up in the descriptive text. Making the dialogue stand out from everything else is always the best option
-Usually after someone speaks, the name of the person speaking is listed after that. I'm able to follow who is speaking, but it would be nice to see
"Grandma Adeline's death was sudden. She had a stroke and died two days later. Her death hurt us all." to me these seem like fragments that could be made into one sentence, something like: "Grandma Adeline, her death hurting us all, had a stroke and died two days later." This is more polished than what, to me, a group of fragments.
-It was hard to imagine the characters without and defining features, but that is more personal preference than anything.

Overall, it was a good chapter. Hopefully there will more more imagery like this will come soon. I'm wondering more about the circumstances of the story. Watch out for fragments in the future!

This was a good first chapter, i liked it. Here's what i thought:
- I like the way that you mention a curse, without saying what it was. Gets me anticipated to find out more.
- The way the protagonist is an old man, i like that fact because it is something different, and it makes me wonder what he will have to go through
- The mention of light and dark. The fact that it appears to be a battle of light vs darkness is a very good idea
- The last line was good, makes me wonder what kind of light he is talking about.

Now, what i didn't like:
-The fact that the character's appearances weren't really described, so it was hard for me to visualize them
-you forgot to out a space here: 'loveand that is what mattered most." Though that is a very minor gripe.

Overall, very good start, pulled me in right away. I'll drop you more reviews as i read more chapters.

What's with all the 'B' names? Usually it's something I try to avoid in my own works (names that seem too much alike for any reason), and it's really driven home in this chapter with Bliss, Breanne, Binna and Bane (but there's Bax, too). So I'm really curious as to your reasoning for it. It's not *necessarily* bad, but unless there's a reason, it comes off as fairly...odd. xD

I noticed in the first chapter that you introduced the Moonies (Ch3), you capitalized it. And here in this chapter you capitalize it "I rolled my eyes at a Moony." Here, though, you use it in lower case "another one of the moony girls." If it were me, I would just make it lower case all the time, but if you want to capitalize it for emphasis (or whatever other reason), you should be consistent about it and capitalize it every time.

I enjoyed the development of Bliss and Breanne's friendship, here. It seems like if things keep going the way they're going, Breanne is going to need a friend, and Bliss seems so far like a dependable character that Breanne can rely on if/when need be. I already dislike Bane (as a person, not as a badly written character). It was comforting to see that he was honestly concerned about Breanne, but not enough to win me over and make me like him. Any guy that controlling/alpha male type really makes my skin itch. But, that's a sign that you're doing a good job showing us who he is, so kudos for that.

I hope Breanne doesn't end up being the sheep character that she seems to be so far (or that Bliss seems to see her as - always answering Bane's bidding).

- Moonstar

Very interesting. I think this is my favorite chapter so far because through it, I can finally piece together who all (or a lot of) these characters are and how they relate to each other. Bane was in the first chapter, but for some reason it didn't *quite* click to put two and two together until this chapter. After the first one, the time skip felt exaggerated in my head, and I treated the prologue almost as a separate entity - but now things are coming together a whole heck of a lot more. Kind of like slipping puzzle pieces together and finally tagging roles and identities onto familiar names.

So the grandfather is dying because he's denying the call/giving up the light or whatever the specific wording on that was. And Bax has some variety of instinctive connection with Breanne based on this light/power. Neat. :) I look forward to seeing this power/call elaborated on in coming chapters.

Technical stuff:

["Jessica!"

The boys' mother called.] Should be: ["Jessica!" the boys' mother called.]

[2 years ago] Except for special case scenarios, always spell out numbers under a hundred in text. In this case, "two years" as opposed to using the number two.

["Lynette, I'm so sorry."

Came in between hugs and...] Should be: ["Lynette, I'm so sorry," came in between hugs and...]

["Bax you've gotten so big." she laughed through her tears] : ["Bax you've gotten so big," she laughed through her tears...] (Alternatively, you could just capitalize the 's' in 'she'. This depends on whether you mean that she's laughing the words through her tears or whether the laugh is totally separate from the dialogue.)

["Hi."he nodded at me] : ["Hi." He nodded at me]

Most of my corrections this chapter, again, are just the kinds of things a beta would do. All technical.

I'm curious, though - why did you decide to write this from multiple first person perspectives? (Not challenging the fact that you did, just honestly wondering about the reasoning for it.) The first few times I saw people do this, they did it absolutely horribly, and I turned my nose up at it altogether, dismissing the technique as rubbish. Later, though, I got exposed to a few people who did it and achieved an alright effect, so my prejudice against it is slowly changing. My biggest remaining issue with it is that I don't see what specific goal it can accomplish that third person limited can't. First person, as far as I'm concerned, has several disadvantages, but no major advantages. Maybe your reasoning can convince me otherwise. XD

- Moonstar