|Reviews for Selen|
| Persevera 9/27/12 . chapter 5
I like that Melinda was able to defend herself. I thought it might have been mentioned in previous chapters since I've skipped from first to fifth but then saw the line about the self-defense classes being more helpful than cheerleading or gymnastics (haha)
I didn't like the paragraph that began "She ate it with cold water, in her room, while reading through the explanation on Coriolis Acceleration"-some of it felt almost like reading a text book.
I'm enjoying the story
| Persevera 9/27/12 . chapter 1
"That was better than a stuffed piece of lingerie in her opinion."-I really like this line. It's cute then also conveys a lot about Melinda-a little bitterness behind a good attitude.
I appreciate the improvement in my English vocabulary, courtesy of a French native. I've never used the words dubitative or differentiable before. Don't be surprised if they show up now
| Complex Variable 9/25/12 . chapter 7
[Perplex,] - - - should be "Perplexed"
[her past presence was only acknowledgeable through the few items on her night stand] - - - I would write "her past presence, acknowledged only by the few on items she had left on her night-stand." Note that the phrase "she had left" re-enforces the idea that the roommate is no longer there.
[She brushed her teeth twice, before and after taking her shower, she then put on some comfortable though not good-looking pants and sweater.] - - - I would break this up into multiple sentences: "She brushed her teeth twice, before and after taking her shower. Then, she put on some comfortable, though not very attractive, pants and sweater."
[bro'] - - - once again, you don't need the apostrophe for "bro"—it actually looks kind of weird.
[There was enough to eat for five people her size and weight,] - - - "There was enough food for five people her size."
[Well, if she was not crazy and if it was not a prank, then he had risked his life for her – or had he?] - - - writing out things like "was not"—i.e., not using the contractions—usually creates an air of formality. Use contractions when not being formal—especially, in conversations between young people, or, in their internal thoughts. I would write "Well, if she wasn't crazy and if it hadn't been a prank, then he had risked his life for her—hadn't he?"
["So, you are from Seattle."] - - - "So, you're from Seattle?"
["How dare you bring that up?"] - - - "How dare you bring that up!" (it's not a question)
[No way she was getting into that fight.] - - - "There was no way..."
[It was really familial and jovial, she thought while trying not to grin.] - - - "It was really familial and jovial, she thought, trying not to grin."
There's probably more stuff to fix, but I hope this gets you started.
As always, you develop the plot in a most intruging manner—keep it up.
| BLUBBER BONER 9/23/12 . chapter 1
Oh, it's my last chance for sex tonight,
I need you by me, beside me to grind me,
to fuck me, to slap me,
cause when i'm bad i'm so so horny,
So let's fuck, the last fuck, let's fuck, the last fuck, let's fuck, the last fuck,
Let's fuck the last fuck tonight!
| Highway Unicorn 9/24/12 . chapter 5
IT'S BLUBBER BO- errr, Hi ;D
[At least, now her bathroom smelled like bleach which was far better than before.] I suggest removing the comma after 'least.'
YAY! She made friends with the group of colorfully dressed people! :D
[Well, we are used to take some during events like that...] I'm not sure what you're trying to say here because one, this sentence is incorrect, and two, it can go two ways. 1, 'Well, we are used to taking some durning events like that...' OR 2, 'Well, we used to take some during events like that...' So, those are the two options you can go with in making the sentence correct.
[aspect under a light that most readers are used to.] Yup, that's pretty much like an average party over here, at least where I live...well, it can get a lot more hardcore and stuff, especailly when people break out the drugs :/ But yeah, drugs and alcohol...you're on the right path.
| Highway Unicorn 9/24/12 . chapter 4
[There was a lot to read, to learn, to understand, to use and to remember!] This may just be me, but I feel it would flow better if you used less 'to' throughout this sentence. EX: "There was a lot to read, learn, understand, use, and remember!"
[They could process any calculus mentally in a split second...] hahaha, I could never do that. Me and math are not freinds XD
[That was stress] Oh lordy, if I was throwing up and looking like some mess, I would be skipping school and resting in bed. But to think that stress could cause these symptoms makes me nervous... I don't like the feeling of throwing up. XP
[Her fingers slowly descended, softly touching her skin...] ME: (._.)
[Her breathe grew heavier, hotter as the water streamed on her curves, her senses sharpened by the efflorescing pleasure that fogged her thought, loosening the grasp that insecurity had on her mind...] ME: (o_o)
[She bit her lower lip, trying to retain a moan of lustiness, only transforming it into a somewhat animal growl...] ME: (O.O) "ohhh, I know what she's doing now" KINKY :DDDDD
This chapter was short...but if you think that it fits better this way, then okay. :)
| Annything 9/24/12 . chapter 1
Your beginning starts out a bit dull. It's pretty much just explaining things that probably don't need to be explained. It's not dreadfully boring, but it's not the best way to start, you know?
You're just explaining what this girl is like, but it would have been better if you weren't explaining it, and instead showing us through her actions. The long lengthy paragraphs about how she likes to dress, and how her boyfriend broke up with her, something about lingerie too, I don't even know but they weren't necessary. LOL, you were getting waaay off topic. Since this is your first chapter, it would have been better if you cut down on all of the explaining, since someone might not want to give the story a chance when it's over flowing with explanations.
[- I am from Selen.] I am not understanding this punctuation here. Why are you using the "-" signs and not quotation marks for some of the dialogue?
Oh my god, why was she assuming he was a jackass? He was probably just being friendly. D: I don't like this character, she assumes and judges people too harshly.
... Nothing really went on this chapter. It just seems... blank and boring. She met some guy and then they went inside their apartments. You're not really leaving us with anything to make us believe that something went on here. There is no, "I wonder what that's guy problem was? Why was he looking at me like that?" towards the end. It was just, "Good bye, Melinda." It ended oddly is what I'm trying to say.
My only real problem though is the odd punctuation with the dialogue, though. Oh, and thanks for reviewing my story too! Hope we can chat sometime! :D
| Highway Unicorn 9/23/12 . chapter 3
[Even though she did have a logic mind...] would sound better as "Even though she oftenly did come up with logical answers..." or something like that.
[...fresh shower...] would sound better as "...refreshing shower..."
[She had to be above six foot tall...] would sound better as "She had to be above six feet tall..."
[...did not ask herself owe such...] "...did not ask herself how such..."
I think Melinda may have a lady cruse on Von Traum...Louis better watch out, or Traum might snatch Melinda up first. XD
Well since she's rich, she probably has some form of supernatural ability, which means she's either on the same side as Louis, or his enemy...or something.
It wasn't really clarified, but the conversation between Melinda and her sister was through the phone, correct?
A good chapter that helped to introduce some new characters. :)
| Silver Witherwings 9/23/12 . chapter 6
I also must say, your writing has already greatly improved. Well done!
| Silver Witherwings 9/22/12 . chapter 5
| Complex Variable 9/22/12 . chapter 5
Once again, good job with the subtle conveyance of the supernatural-stuff: [silver-lined blade] - - - nice, very nice. I would put in just a LITTLE bit more, though—just because I have a fondness for the non-possible.
You asked for Spelling and Grammar, and so, that's what I'll give you:
1) "Author's Note" should be abbreviated as "A/N"
2) Although [celiac plexus] is perfectly acceptable, I would recommend that you use "solar plexus"—it's the same part of the body, with the bonus of being more commonly used than "celiac plexus".
3) Although (you'll be getting a lot of "although"s from me XD) ["That's sad," stated Ella.] is NOT a wrong usage of a dialogue tag, it comes across as being awkward. Generally, you should write it as "Ella stated". Other examples: "Drake yelled" is preferable to "yelled Drake", "Madison said" is preferable to "said Madison", etc.
4) [A smiling boy launched, holding a giant glass of beer.] - - - "launched" is either not the correct word, or, it's not being elaborated upon properly. (Is he LAUNCHING the beer at her?, is he DRINKING the beer?, is he RAISING it?, etc.)
5) [She was steady, her voice hardly showing any sign of surprise.] - - - You're being redundant: just write "Her voice hardly showed any sign of surprise."
6) In the three long paragraphs near the end of this chapter, you use the personal pronoun "she" far too much; put "Melinda" in place of a few of them, otherwise, it becomes confusing—the reader can forget who it is you're talking about.
7) ["Is there anywhere where the music is less loud?"] - - - "less loud" (and, more generally "less (adjective)" and "more (adjective)") come across as bad English. So to does "anywhere where". Instead of modifying the adjective with a "less/more", just say "quieter" or "louder". In this case, however, you could also do "Is there some place where the music isn't as loud?"
| Highway Unicorn 9/22/12 . chapter 2
[ lock securely her door ] would sound/flow better if it was "securely locked her door."
I like the group of brightly and colorfully dressed students, it foreshadows that Melinda is going to have something to do with them, or even possibly join their group.
Hahaha, I also love Louis's character, he's such a hoot/party animal! :D And it seems to bother Melinda that he acts like this, which I like because it shows a realistic/human-emontional side of the MC. :)
| Highway Unicorn 9/22/12 . chapter 1
This is actually good considering English is harder for you and all that stuff. And it's good that your easing your way into writing English with a simple, yet interesting stroy :)
The only mistakes i'll point out is that you write '-' instead of ' " ' infront of some dialouge. Example: [ - I am from Selen.] when it should be ["I am from Selen."]
That's really the only thing that bugged me. :P
The plot is rather interesting. I find Louie a tad bit creepy, but that's probably because of how Melinda described him and such... But creepy characters are always awesome, so i'll end up liking him sooner or later. :D
I also saw that this is a 'supernatural' type of story. I bet Louie is some sort of supernatural thing...like a monster or something :P
Anyways, a wonderful start! :D
| Silver Witherwings 9/22/12 . chapter 4
"as a matter of facts" should be "as a matter of fact"
"she had not eat" should be "she had not eaten"
"bowl of cereals" should be "bowl of cereal"
"put the recipient" should be "put the bowl"
"her reflect" should be "her reflection"
Also, in your previous chapter, replace the " - " with quotation marks (" ") when someone is speaking.
Can't wait to see the supernatural elements come into play!
| Anihyr Moonstar 9/22/12 . chapter 3
[She was definitely better at math than she was at life.] This is how I feel about writing. Poor girl - I can relate. (Well, not about math - I suck at math - but that general feeling of being way better at a specific thing than life in general.)
I like her sister so far. She seems amusing and a good, more open and teasing contrast to Melinda's more bottled-up personality.
[Well not today at least.] Very funny.
[The student found her sister peculiarly cold on that one.] Whenever you refer to Melinda as "the student" it sounds very, very strange. Nominally, it feels like this story is being told in third person limited (that is, third person, specifically from Melinda's perspective). But when you call her "the student" it sounds like some outside narrator who doesn't know Melinda at all as a person and only thinks of her as "the student" is talking about her.
[The dark-haired student snorted at the remark but the conversation had already ended.] Same thing here. It feels almost like you are talking about some random student that Melinda sees and doesn't know.
Also, I find her "bi-curious" moment at the end interesting. ;) I have to wonder where the rest of this story will take her and which of all these characters she's meeting might play important roles in her future.