|Reviews for The Untold Stories: Asen and Ciroc|
| Sulfur Cupcake 9/24/12 . chapter 1
This was a lovely one-shot, even though I'm not familiar with the world you have set up, I felt I was able to catch up pretty quickly. And totally understand the whole being sparse on the details part XD The internet is not the place for things such as that you want to physically publish one day.
Onto the story: it's a good length for a one-shot. I thought Asen seemed like a decently realistic character, given the fantasy setting. Circo deffinately sounds like a mighty powerful magician, as well as a good mentor. I like how Asen found his inner balance by going through his pain again, since many times characters supposedly find balance by either blocking it out or somehow realizing it wasn't their fault. And while it isn't exactly Asen's fault his family was taken away (I doubt there's anything he could have done), it's understandable for him to feel guilty. And sometimes the only way to move on is to become at peace with your guilt.
Now to some flaws I saw: You need to explain 'why' a little more. You've done this quite a bit already, but there are a few things you left out, and maybe it's just that I don't know enough about your world, but they were evident to me reading this one-shot. First off, why was his family arrested/captured? Again, I get if this is an important plot point that you want to leave out for publishing reasons, but a little hint wouldn't hurt you or the readers. Something very vague can go a long way in the reader's imagination.
Secondly is really a little detail, but it stuck out to me a lot, and that is when Asen cried smoke. This is, truthfully, a really awesome creative idea, but doesn't feel like it's there for a purpose. It's great to have an original idea, but it won't be fully appreciated if it doesn't feel cohesive to the rest of the story. Especially since it seems he's capable of crying liquid tears as well. I get that it's a magic thing, but why does it happen? And does it happen to all magicians? I believe you would be quite able to make a creative explanation for this phenomenon if you wanted to, and reader's really love it when all the little pieces of a story feel like they fit together. Right now the part about smoke tears didn't really fit in my opinion, even though it sounded cool. For example maybe if magicians can only cry smoke, or perhaps just one of a certain magical calibre. Something like that would tie this detail in to the rest of the world instead of just to one character, or if it's specific to Asen, explain why that is.
Anyways, I think I've rambled on enough. Again, I think this looks really good, and I wish the best in your novel-publishing endeavors ;) Have a fantastic week and happy writing!