|Reviews for Snippets|
| scrubbybubbles 9/30/12 . chapter 5
I really thought you captured the essence of hatred, especially in the terms of school-age kids (by that I mainly mean teens). The last few lines exemplified this emotion in a unique way; it was very well-said. I like how you were able to get the reader to develop a sense of pity for the "I" character, which only fueled the hatred for the "she" character. This duality of emotion was incredibly potent in my opinion. I once again must commend you on delivering such a beautiful piece to us readers; I'm sure we're all very thankful. There was one section that I thought could be reworded slightly better; the revision is as following:
Revised- "I used to have so many friends, but they all believed the lies she told about me. And the truths I trusted her with"
Original- "I had so many friends, but they all believed the lies she said about me. And the truths I trusted with her"
| Lady Eleanor Boleyn 9/30/12 . chapter 6
Oh, I love these! I started one a bit like this myself, but it kind of spiralled off topic... I'd love to know what you think though!
| scrubbybubbles 9/29/12 . chapter 4
In regards to the title, I don't believe that agitation is the right word; perhaps anxiety or restlessness would fit slightly better? Other than that, I believe this piece was absolutely perfect. I'm actually starting to wonder if you have some type of device that translates emotion into words...and no, I'm not kidding. I've been in this situation so many times that I've lost count. Isn't it funny how time is so relative to what you're doing? Anyways, you captured the feeling of anticipation perfectly, making this piece much more impactful in the readers' eyes. Sorry that I'm starting to run out of things to say, but your work has almost no flaws in it! You're making excellent progress through the different emotions so far...I know you won't disappoint!
| scrubbybubbles 9/29/12 . chapter 3
It was interesting to read this piece, since it also included a few "micro-emotions"; loss being one of them. I felt that the last line in the piece was especially strong, for it served as an excellent way to clinch the piece. It also allows the reader to get a full sense of the emotion that you have worked into your work. The strongest line, however, is as following:
"I want to make this moment special, but I don't know how. I feel unusually lonely, and slightly desperate. Every silent second feels wasted."
I know many readers can connect with this line, since the situation is fairly familiar. The fact that this line leads readers to dredge up sad memories similar to this story only adds to the emotion of the piece.
I was, however, slightly confused when reading this chapter. Do you think you could possibly clarify the position of each of the characters? I had a time figuring out what was going on in this scene exactly. I'll put the phrases in chronological order so you can see what I mean.
"We're standing side by side"
-"begins to ascend, to come take you away from me."-
"savouring your face"
-"elevator arrives on my floor and you walk inside"-
"when the doors close and you disappear forever"
I understand what you're trying to say here, but the two phrases I marked above ruin what you're trying to get at. The first one I marked makes it sound like the elevator is arriving to take Character 2 (you) away from Character 1 (I), which is not the case. In regards to the second one, it seems like Character 2 is walking into the elevator and not the hallway/floor. Since the elevator is the main subject of the line, you assume that when you say "walk inside", you mean into the elevator. Other than that, you did a great job with this one! Keep up the good work!
| YasuRan 9/29/12 . chapter 2
'Tranquility' is what this piece is titled and it's definitely what you show. It's set on a beach during a sunset which illustrates the emotion nicely. Although the setting is something I've seen done numerous times before, it was well done nonetheless. The emotions were written clearly and to-the-point, which is apt enough for a drabble.
| scrubbybubbles 9/28/12 . chapter 2
Once again, you astound us all. I wasn't sure how you were going to be able to follow the chapter on guilt, and yet another masterpiece sits before me. I really don't know how you are able to channel specific emotions so , but I do know that you have a gift. To be honest, it's uncanny how well you are able to craft your stories so that they zero in on just one specific emotion. Similar to the first chapter, the reader becomes enveloped in the sense that the same exact things has happened to themselves. I, for on, can especially connect with the following sentence:
"You're slowly drawing words in the sand with a stick you found, hoping in vain that somebody will see this masterpiece of yours."
I'm simply dumbfounded; what a beautiful way to spend the nearly endless minutes of life. I did, however, find two miniscule errors in the piece that will, two errors keeping this piece from joining it's sibling in the Hall of Perfection. They are as following:
Revised- "but either way, it still gives you" Original- "but either way, it gives you"
Revised- "The sky is a rich canvas of purple, of red, of pink, and of gold." Original- "The sky is a rich canvas of purple, different hues of red and pink, and gold."
Again, you deserve much more than just a pat on the back for this one.
| scrubbybubbles 9/28/12 . chapter 1
I would say this has a realistic touch, but it wouldn't be right...since this simply real life translated into word form. Likewise, I cannot say that this piece pinned down guilt; rather, it embodies the emotion. The internal monologue of the main character should remind us all of the the guilt we wrestle with each and every day. We should all feel a connection to this character's plight since we have all been in this situation before in some way or another. This is what makes this piece so special: the message is both universal and powerful. Every single word serves a purpose, seeks to develop the mental battle of the main character. Therefore, this piece literally is flawless; there is nothing you could possibly do to make it any better. Please continue to write these little excerpts, for this was so expertly written that I have already read through the whole piece 5 times. You get a 15/10 for this one.