|Reviews for A Wilting Daisy|
| Lia Jenson 9/30/12 . chapter 1
Between the shortness (therefore abruptness) and the mistakes, it's a bit of a mess.
But hey, just tweak the format so it doesn't run together, use the other review for reference when correcting the mistakes, then you'll have an interesting beginning.
| FixedUrFic 9/30/12 . chapter 1
Hi. You've got some pretty big issues here, but don't freak out. I'm here to help.
First off, you aren't punctuating your dialogue correctly. Each character's dialogue must begin on a new line, and should be distinguished from the rest of the sentence using commas (unless the dialogue ends the sentence). You also keep switching between past and present tense. Here's your original prose:
"Domonic?" I asked. Domonic had a girlfriend named Nina, but who cares."Yeah?" you could tell he was still a bit shaken up after Daisy died. Although so is everyone."I, um, it's about Daisy," I saw him flinch when I said Daisy. "She, she liked you, or loved you. Either one." He wanted to hide the fact Daisy was dead. Maybe he liked her back. I feel was worse now."I love her too, I love you, Daisy." Domonic practically muttered. Nina walked up and slapped Domonic."If you still love Daisy, well fine we're over." Nina said fiercely."No return policy!"
And here's a grammatically correct version for comparison:
"Domonic?" His girlfriend, Nina, was with him, but I didn't care.
I could tell he was still a bit shaken up from Daisy's death. Although, so was everyone else. "I-um-it's about Daisy." I saw him flinch when I said her name. "She...she liked you, or loved you. Either one." He wanted to hide the fact Daisy was dead. Maybe he had liked her back. The thought made me feel worse.
"I love her too, I love you, Daisy," Domonic muttered.
Nina walked up and slapped him."If you still love Daisy, then fine! We're over!"
Finally, you might want to study up on story structure a bit. This chapter deals in some pretty intense emotions, but, because you've given no exposition, there is absolutely no context for what's happening. It is hard to care about what is going on because the reader doesn't know who any of these people are. Don't be afraid to put a little time into setting things up. Establish who your characters are and what their relationships are like. Readers cannot possibly get attached enough to feel anything for these people in only 92 words.
Hope this helps. Good luck and happy writing!