I'm interested in this now... cool stuff!

Like the last chapter, there were a few small mistakes (I think you meant "wander" not "wonder" in the beginning... minds don't wonder), but the writing is overall very good. Keep it up!

I like your new characters... and I now dislike Jausep. Dislike. I hope you develop him some, make him really interesting instead of just rude and annoying... that would be pretty awesome.
I like Ryne. I feel like he has problems. I like people with problems.

Also, your little glowing red stuff is fun... promising...! Overall, this whole thing is promising. I like it!

Again, sorry for the short reviews... I feel like I'm cheating you or something by not giving you a whole page, but honestly all I can say about this is that it's really good. Sorry... I wish I had something to really criticize you about, I really do, but I can't find anything big enough to put in a review. Good work!

-V

Ooh, this is fun so far! I like it! Interesting, nice writing, nice concepts, not too perfect, believable so far... good job!

Usually I give a more in-depth critique, but I also usually review only when I've read the latest chapters. Always seems to work better that way... so yes, this review is rather short. Sorry...

It's also short because I honestly don't have that much critiquing to do. Your writing is very good. I think I saw one sentence that ran a little odd, but only one! You also had a few minor grammatical mistakes, a few unneeded hyphens, and a missing period and space. So really not much to talk about there, and I honestly haven't seen enough of your plot to critique that yet.

Aside from that, I will note that I don't think Jausep was being unfair. At all. Yes, mistakes happen, but that didn't seem like unfair handling of the situation on his part. Honestly, if it were something serious and she just off with it, it would seem a little unrealistic and Mary-Sue-ish. To me, anyway. But then, I don't tend to like characters who get their way with everything, or even characters that are especially successful... so I liked what you did there. I like that she got in trouble. Makes it more real.
However, that may just be my personal bias...

-V

See, aw! I really like Jausep. You made me squeal with this scene. “Her teal eyes searched his green as she swallowed thickly. He was a flirt, that was a widely known fact. It wasn't until recently did the Guild leader include her amongst the women in which he did so with.” this I good. I already have ideas running through my head on how it could start, but I have a feeling you’re want something to happen between Roeve and Zaeden. I’ll be sad if it goes that way, but I’ll deal with it. I do like Zaeden though Jausep is better.

I absolutely love Jausep and Roeve’s interactions in this scene. It makes them seem more real I guess. I’m really interested in this past Zaeden keeps talking about, this past that he has with Roeve. It sounds like they were childhood friends, but it also could’ve been something else. Is she from Quasam too?

*Bows head* I hate it when you’re talking about someone and they happen to be within hearing distance. I’ve done this! Ten minutes before the incident, I’d said it to the person’s face, but having them hear me saying it again to someone else, complaining about it, made me feel pretty bad.

I’m curious about what happened eight years ago. Sometimes that saying, 'Time heals all wounds, is true, but sometimes all that time allows is for the wound to fester and become infected.

Ryne having these aches is making me think of some weird possibilities. Like maybe these beasties used to be human? I’m leaping. Zaeden crossing paths with Kole and Davette means he’ll eventually cross paths with Roeve…*wiggles eyebrows* I’m still liking Jausep though. This stone Kole has is going to be important I think. It’s gonna play a big part somewhere along the way either isn’t it?

Now what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you do that? Why would Kole whisper in Zae’s ear her last name? Then it dawns on him who she is and he really needs that drink he ordered. Come on! I suppose I’m lucky in that there’s another chapter, but cripes, talk about a cliffhanger. Great chapter! Thanks for taking the time to write and share it.

“Roeve stared at the polished red wood in front of her as she dipped a blue cloth into the glass she was cleaning.”How do you dip a cloth into glass? Did I read it wrong? Did you mean ‘into the glass cup’ or bowl or something?

Does Jausep have a thing for Roeve? Just curious.

“When the boy didn't respond he snapped, "Well, boy!Have you?!" should be: “When the boy didn't respond, he snapped, "Well, boy! Have you?"

“Jausep tended to act like a bit of a dramatic in her opinion.” Should maybe just be this: “Jausep tended to act a bit dramatic in her opinion.”

“Roeve replied simply,"Obviously cleaning." Needs a space between ‘simply,’ and “Ob…” I’m also gonna suggest wording the sentence differently, like this: “Cleaning, obviously.” ‘Obviously’ in this context is meant to be sarcastic, I’m assuming. I personally think it shows better the way I suggested.

“She placed a glass down and pick up another, swirling the cloth along the crystalline outside.” Should be “…and picked up another…”

So, back my question…I could totally see a thing happening with Jausep and Roeve. Maybe this is a romance story, but you should really consider adding a little romantic chemistry (I’m not ignoring what they already have). I would really, really, really (I’ll stop doing that), enjoy that. As I side note, I feel for Roeve. Eleven hour shifts suck the big one! And now I understand why Roeve doesn’t like working in the bar. Mutha fucka take my tips and we’d be havin’ some words and he doesn’t pay over time…no, it just wouldn’t happen, not for me. Roeve must really want to be a huntress otherwise she shouldn’t put up with it, right?

All right, some new characters. I like the names too!

“…after a long flight, he longed to go into his cabin, collapse on his bed, and sleep as long as he possibly could.” You used ‘long’ three times in this single sentence. You could try something like this instead: “…after a long flight, his only desire was to collapse on his bed and sleep well into the next afternoon.” OR (let me whip out my thesaurus *_-) “…after a lengthy flight, he ached to collapse against the soft plush pillows of his bed and linger until the next afternoon.” *Shrugs* didn’t need the thesaurus after all.

Why is ‘celebration’ being capitalized? I thought it was a typo at first, but you did again, so this means you’ve done it intentionally?

I found my new favorite word: grumptastic. I’m seriously gonna use that on someone! I’m more interested in the scenes involving Roeve…

“The red liquid slid smoothly over his tongue, streamed down his throat, and splashed into his stomach where he could feel the pulse, growing stronger, palpitating harder.” This was an amazing sentence! I could ‘feel’ it. Props!

“Zaeden shook his head again at his friend again…” only need ‘again’ once in the sentence.

Though originally I wasn’t fond of Zaeden and Ryne’s scenes the last section involving Ryne made me more curious about who they are and what role they’ll be playing in the future chapters. Great job!

The way you started this chapter was perfect. I’m guessing since the beast side swiped her that it’s also supposed to surprise the audience. It happened so fast I had to reread the sentence because I didn’t expect it. If that was your intention, then don’t change a thing. Just dropping the hint that fighting or encountering the beast was against the Guild’s rules has intrigued me about what exactly the Guild and its rules are. So not only am I curious who she was talking to in the beginning, but also with the hints at an organization.

“The Dalteric Plains were a sight of beauty, but its inviting scene was a beautiful falseness.” It a great sentence, but it might read easier if you did something like this: “The Dalteric Plains were a sight of beauty, but its inviting scene was deceiving.”

A transparent blue barrier…sounds like there’s gonna be magic in this story. *Cheers* I hope I’m right. Can’t really do much wrong when magic is involved. Roeve is an interesting name. I’m not sure I’m pronouncing it right though. Row-ve? I’d like a description of what the beast looks like.

“Vectian, they called the beast Large brutes that walked on all fours with a pelt the color of overturned dirt, rich browns.” Did you mean to capitalize the ‘L’? “Vectian, they called the beast, large brutes that walked on all fours with a pelt the color of overturned dirt, rich browns.

“The people traveling looked at the brute in awe as it remained trapped.

Specialized Roads.”

I’m not following the significance with ‘specialized roads’ getting its own line. When I do something like this it’s an important statement that usually has some relevance to the previous sentence, at least that’s what I attribute that structure to be for. Did I miss why it was significant? It’s like a way to emphasize without having to put it in italics. …eh, it’s probably just something I missed.

I could see it for the line that follows it though. Instead of, “Heavy booted footsteps came hurriedly. The guards.” , being on one line, it could be like this:

Heavy booted footsteps came hurriedly.

The guards.

Engineers? So no magic then? That’s okay, because you totally made it all better by Roeve not being comfortable with the pain being administered to the beast. When the guy said the beast was young too…I’m jumping to conclusions I know it, but I’m really, really, really, hoping Roeve rescues it, tames it, and becomes her furry bad ass animal friend for life. Oh please? Hmph, makes me want a tiger, but then sometimes it’s just wrong to domesticate an animal so wild. I really want to see it go this way though.

So I’m not sure what ‘metal fleurons’ are, but it sounds pretty yet punkish at the same time.

“Roe glanced at a few as she weaved her way through the street, but didn't stop at any.” Since you refer to her as ‘Roeve’ everywhere else, you should probably do that here too. I know it can get confusing though. I do the same thing! This arena, is like pitting man against beasts? Gladiator stuff?

“The Arena, The Hunters Guild, bar were the three...” The start of this sentence confused me. “The Hunters Guild, the arena bar…” or “The arena bar, The Hunters Guild…” It’s still confusing either way, it’s the double article that’s throwing me off. Really, I don’t know how you’d fix that. Maybe this: “The arena bar, called The Hunters Guild…” Well, anyhow, it stopped the flow, for me personally, because I had to figure it out. I’m still not sure if the name of the bar is The Arena or The Hunters Guild. Am I even on the right track? Maybe I’m making it harder than it needs to be, but I would still suggest a looksy.

Are the higher districts the wealthy districts? How does that work? Is it the opposite? I only ask because with activities like the Arena, it usually the higher class exploiting the lower class. Okay…so The Arena isn’t for punishment at all? It’s for training purposes? Kole doesn’t like Roeve? Ooh, wonder what the drama is behind that disdain.

“Roe glared at him with narrowed eyes, but the look went unseen, as her goggles hid most of her face from the cheeks up.” I suggest you change Roe to Roeve, or all the Roeve’s to Roe.

"Yea, whatever…" I don’t think it’s wrong to use ‘yea,’ but it’s kind of a pet peeve of mine. I think you should use ‘yeah.’ It’s like someone saying ‘ok’ when it should be ‘okay.’ That’s just my opinion.

“…great chair behind it sat infront…” should be a space between ‘in’ and ‘front.’ And I’m no expert, but I think these sentences should be one: “Two chairs sat facing each other resting atop the hide. But she took a seat in the chair placed in front of the desk.” Like this: “Two chairs sat facing each other resting atop the hide, but she took a seat in the chair placed in front of the desk.”

She really doesn’t want to work in the bar. Does it do something to her reputation? Will it make people question her competency or is something else completely? It’s not like a forced prostitution bar is it? Now I know I’m jumping to conclusions…maybe? I’m pleased with this first chapter. It’s very interesting and I want to continue reading. I hope you don’t mind too much, but my reviews need to be more constructive and you’re really only my second one that I’ve been trying it with. Off to the next chapter!

"The expensive bottles of imported ale from the luxurious sister city of Zaethius—Quasam—had been found. Apparently, someone had placed them in the wrong shelves, pushed back by the usual stock. Ultimately, Roeve was beyond furious, because she was just extremely tired, because she'd only get a few hours to sleep—by no means enough to become rested—and because she'd be back there again soon after her meager rest."
-This feels very crammed for the amount of information you have. The second sentence is also a run on. Take some time when you're giving your readers information and actions so they can digest it properly.

"Languid, orange light, dimly lit by the hanging, dust covered lamp spheres, pooled at the base of the posts every couple of paces."
-Maybe break up the description of the light over a couple sentences? Feels like there are too many clauses fighting to describe the light. maybe go into detail what makes the light? is it magic? ect..

" can hear it when you down there."
do you mean *can hear it when you're down there*?

"above his grounding jaw."
grounding or grinding?

interesting so far, the red liquid is a good hook for making you want to read more to discover what it is exactly. I wasn't sure if some of the things I mentioned where suppose to be the way they were, like a dialect, or if they were just small spelling/grammar errors. Hope this helps though!

This is some quality fiction you have here. Your characterizations are impeccable, but I personally could do with a little less narrative and a little more dialogue. You had no persisting grammatical errors that I could see, so another point to you. Good luck and good writing!

Just because this is a great example of something I mentioned last chapter (you switching into passive voice when it wasn't necessary) I'm going to pick on this sentence: [While her eyes focused on the surface of the long counter, her mind {was wandering} to other places, places she'd much rather be than in the bar.] "Was" is a dead/passive verb that shows no action, and in this case it would be so simple to just cut it and say "her mind wandered to other places" - it instantly makes the voice of the sentence active *and* it eliminates a word that wasn't doing anything in the first place. Eliminating dead/passive verbs - am/are/is/was/were, be/being/been, has/have/had, do/does/did, etc. - wherever you can especially when it's so convenient like that is a great way to tighten up your prose and keep the story interesting. Too many dead verbs, unless utelized expertly, can easily bog down even the most interesting narrative if you aren't careful.

I'll try not to belabor that point any more. ;)

Jausep and Roeve's relationship is interesting, though I find myself highly irritated with Jausep most of the time. He seems irrationally hard on her - she was already there for a damn long time and he had plenty of people already there to look for his lost liquor - and easily angered. Not that Roeve is much better on the easily irritated front, though in this case I think she has plenty of reason to be upset, and she does seem to be able to take a more passive approach to a much greater extent than he does.

Jausep seems to take revenge on Roe for not doing "as she's told" in childish ways as well (like locking her out) and that just grinds my gears. I understand trying to keep subordinates in line to some degree, but he treats her like a misbehaving child or a dog and it makes me want to kick him in the balls. Often it feels like his actions are straight up sexist, but I'm not sure if that's intentional or not.

["Keep your damn feet off my controls," he snapped. He really wasn't in the mood...] Sorry, I said I wasn't going to belabor the point, but I figured I'd mention it here because in this case, the passive voice is a great example of you 'telling' when you don't even need it because you've already 'shown' us (show vs tell argument). The reader should already be able to tell that he's not in a good mood because you've shown him acting irritable; telling us something we should already have figured out makes it feel like you're babying the audience and/or just bogging the story down with unnecessary explanations.

I really enjoy Ryne and Zaeden's interactions as a whole, though. Both of their personalities shine immediately, and they're quite amusing together. You managed to build up enough interest in them that by the time Ryne's physical issue was revealed, I was instantly concerned for him.

Despite how much I enjoyed the introduction of Ryne and Zaeden, I did feel that the extensive amount of perspective switching was a little disconcerting. I also feel like I don't quite know at this point who to be focusing on as a main character. I know Roeve must be our main girl, but the teeter totter between Ry and Zae leaves me a little off-balance. Just something to consider, though.

Not a bad chapter. It'll be interesting to see how you weave your characters' stories together and how they mesh with one another. :)

- Moonstar

P.S. So many apologies for taking this long, seriously. I've been busy, but not busy enough to excuse me making you wait this much after you gave me such detailed reviews.

Okay! So, plenty to say here. I'll start with some positives and then move onto a little critique.

Your narrative style is solid for the most part. Other than dipping into passive voice at some points where it doesn't feel necessary I think you do a good job setting up your scenes and giving your readers plenty of concrete details. The progression of action is easy to follow, and aside from a few typos, the story reads smoothly.

I think my favorite description from this chapter is the one about the plains and how the tall grass is sharp enough to cut and be dangerous for any unseasoned traveler who doesn't come equipped for the terrain. It felt like a really neat idea and helped give strength and originality to your world. The description of the beast/Vectian was also very neat. Good for world building.

I also like the mix of fantasy/magic feel and almost a steampunk vibe (given off by the goggles and the way the fence seems almost like a force field/electric barrier). Fun combination.

Some things that didn't work as well in my opinion - the opening. This is my biggest issue, honestly, because I really don't see the point of it at all. I understand that you want to give us a glimpse into her past, but the entire concept of "traumatic childhood memory of house/village burning down and losing parent/parents in the uproar as they flee" is just...very, very overdone for one. And even if your main character does have a trying past like that, I think it works better to let the reader get to know the character in the present first, and then start to fill in details about their past once you have us hooked and curious.

At present, there's nothing in that entire opener (except perhaps the moment where she watches her mother stand by in cold silence as her friend is brutalized/murdered - that part was quite intense and I liked it) that couldn't be summed up with a mentioning of "she lost her parents as a child during a violent raid on her city" or something along those lines.

A much more minor point, but Roeve sighs at least four times in the second half of this chapter. A couple times is fine (although people who sigh often in real life bug the crap out of me and it might be one reason I picked up on this), but it just felt excessive to me as I was reading it and I figured I would at least mention it.

As I mentioned somewhere early on, there are a couple scattered technical errors, and I meant to take note as I was reading but then got lazy (sorry) here's a couple of them though:

[To see her mother {opening} showing fear put a stone in her gut.] *openly

[A flying ball of light soared in and arch, sparks fizzled out from the orb before hit the home again.] Soared in {an} arch? Soared in and arch{ed}? And whichever way you fix it, this is two sentences, split by a period. Simple solution is just to make the period a semi-colon. You could also reword it to make it a single sentence "A flying ball of light soared in an arch, sparks fizzling out from the orb..." etc. - or you could make it two separate sentences.

I lost track of the others, sorry. Hope this review is somewhat helpful though, regardless, and apologies for the wait. Moving onto the next chapter. :)

- Moonstar

Your descriptive writing is quite good. I liked your use of the "ba-poomb" onomatopias. Roeve seems like quite a likable character; a loveable rouge. :) I would like a little furthur explination of her appearance as I can't quite picture her in my mind when I'm reading. Nothing over the top, just general build, coloring, ect. Besides that, your writing makes it quite easy to see what's going on. The beginning was tense! I'd like to read more.

What! You rewrote this?
It is, once again, very well written. I like this start to the story, and you shift back into the original nicely. i feel really bad for the little girl when I read this, but later on in the story this becomes useful information.

I'd recommend reading through this again slowly. There are a few sentences that run on, and on, and then on. There are also a few points (some I'll mention) where the wording just seems a bit off. Nothing bad, but when reading it for the first time I had to kind of stop to figure out what was going on exactly.

"a girl who sat high in a branch with shielded eyes raking over the plains."
I feel like this reads a bit funny. are you trying to say she's shielding her eyes with her hand? If so you might want to specify more. Its unclear as to how her eyes are shielded and makes for interested mental images of a metal visor or the like.

"that she'd lay wait on the ground for fear "
I think *lay {in} wait on* would sound better, you might want to reword this a bit.

"The Bar made her uneasy, for Roeve was a quiet one, not made for such a scene."
Maybe *The Bar made Roeve uneasy because she was quiet by nature. She was not made for such scenes.*
..while I'm at 'The Bar', The Bar, The Plains, The Guild, Beast, ect should not be capitalized unless that is actually their name. I saw the plains ended up being called Dalteric, so all the capitalized Plains should be lower-cased (sorry to go grammar nazi :P)

"The Arena was Beasts were brought in for lessons"
*The arena {was} where beasts were brought in*?

Those were just a few things I noticed.
The story is good, you get a good feel for the characters and the place they live in. Not detail heavy or slow either.
If you want me to go a bit more in-depth about the stuff I saw, just let me know and I'll try and help. Honestly I think if you just read through it slowly and fix some of the run on sentences and capitalization errors it'll be fine.

Hope this helps!

After she landed and the beast was right there I was like 'oh shit'.
If it was really just inches away wouldn't the beast have a very good chance of grabbing her right there and then? I expected her to at least dodge a swing from it before succeeding in running away.
Of course, the beast just could have been confused at her sudden reaction and didn't really give chase until he realize she was running away.
(Love what she said to the beast, gave her a sense of humor.)

A very good start, gave excitement and we got to learn a lot about the main character just in the first chapter. Not long at all, if anything it is a good sized chapter for a novel. (The chase scene alone, stopping when she hit the road would be a good prologue, otherwise this is more chapter one material).

I guess I'd learn lots more in chapter two. Maybe another time.

Chiisutofupuru

[She wore a pair of beige shorts since the day was going to be sunny and hot and skipped the long boots she usually wore and chose some tattered ones that stopped just under her knees, buckling them slowly while sitting on top her window so she could see the streets ahead filled up with the city people and outsiders.] - Woah, too much going on in this sentence. I would recommend breaking it up a bit. Try something like: "She wore a pair of beige shorts since the day was going to be sunny and hot and skipped the boots she usually wore FOR some tattered ones that stopped just under her knees. Sitting in the window, she slowly buckled them up as she watched the streets outside, already packed with city locals and outsiders." That seems a bit awkward as well, but hopefully you catch my drift.

[But Roeve looked away once her boots were buckled and clipped a few mismatched bracelets...] - The "But" at the beginning is unnecessary.

Does Roeve live above the bar? Or in the guild headquarters? I am confused. Why is Jausep's office at the bottom of her staircase?

Speaking of Jausep, how old is he? Fatherly figure material? Annoying, worried, older brother type character? Her age (possible future love interest)? He and Roeve seem to share a sort of love/hate relationship. I get the impression that he cares about her considerably, only doesn't want to make it appear that way (and fails miserably). On Roe's side though, I feel as though she pretends to hate him, but secretly doesn't. She rants and raves about him, but doesn't take any steps to avoid him, and she even accepts his invitation to wander the Celebration. Is she as confused as I am, maybe?

Parchment in a room accessed by electronically accessed, sliding doors? I said I wouldn't grumble (grumble, grumble XD) but um, why don't they just use paper?

[The brigand rolled his eyes and made...] - Woah, hold up, what? This is the first time (unless I missed an instance earlier, which is possible) that you have referred to Zaeden as a "brigand." He is a bandit then? A criminal? A nefarious racketeer out to make a fortune? o.0

If the part about Roeve examining the giant portraits was foreshadowing, and I am going to assume that it was, then nicely done. I particularly liked all of the discussion about fiction, which, though simple, is always an enjoyable jab at what we do.

Zaeden is certainly my favorite character so far. Charismatic, lazy, cocksure, and humerus. I can't wait to see where you go with this story, definitely subscribed.

Good Luck!

-Infected