|Reviews for The Altering|
| D.A. Dement 12/6/12 . chapter 1
Well, I've got to say, it was the summary that caught my attention lol. I certainly like what I'm reading so far, so I'm following this. The wording is deep and... damn, I don't have any words to describe it, but it feels like I'm getting a glimps into that girls mind. Very nice. :)
| Dreamers-Requiem 11/13/12 . chapter 1
I really like the premise of this, and the whole idea had me gripped from the start. However, I do think you need to let the story speak for itself. At the moment, the prologue seems to do a lot of telling rather than showing. You give a lot away, too, and I think it may be better to hold some of it back, to let the reader see the world and why it is so...messed up, for lack of better words, than to explicitly state it so early on. Something about the idea reminds me of The Hunger Games, not a bad thing, but I think those books tend to do really well at showing the world around, rather than having it all explained right at the start. Just consider how to show, rather than tell, basically. Really looking forward to seeing more of this.
| Vivace.Assai 10/13/12 . chapter 1
Okay, after reading the prologue, I have to say: I'M EXCITED FOR THIS. VERY EXCITED.
At first, I was slightly uncertain because the premise reminded me of the Uglies series, which was a pretty good series. It had a good premise and had the potential to explore a lot of interesting themes about appearances and societal laws. I never was really able to get into the Uglies hype, however (just stopped after reading the first book). It was mostly because I felt the execution didn't fit my expectations for such a promising story. Luckily, the premise for this story pleasantly surprised me and I find it a lot more exciting and intriguing.
[The sky is black, dotted with stars that twinkle and scatter like shattered diamonds across a puddle of ink, and the moon; an opal shining if only forever in this desolate place. She puts them together, mixes the gems and the silence to concoct the prisoners' sleep.] I always love your descriptions. You have this ability to make the descriptions really unique and engaging for the readers. I don't like starting stories with descriptions, but somehow you made your first paragraph different than anything I've ever read. You used beautiful imagery with the gems and drew a continuous idea that you perpetuated throughout the entire prologue. I like how you made color be something dangerous and how beauty was wrong in the narrator's eyes. You've connected imagery with characterization and that was quite amazing. :D
So now tone. I really enjoyed the tone of this prologue. It just permeates negativity and is a good set-up for the tragedy that will later occur. I like how you kind of warn readers that your stories aren't going to be happy with your prologue. By setting them up for tragedy, the readers don't get disgruntled when you do throw character deaths on them. But so the tone is definitely great, and I feel the tone shows how negative the narrator is. She sees that everything is wrong with the world around her and that there isn't any chance of happiness; this negativity definitely makes her interesting but also makes me want to see this world more... to know why I should see it as a deluded generation.
Talking about the narrator, I wonder who she is. I first assumed it was Clara, but she mentions being in the Dungeons most of her life... Clara seems to have been able to enjoy life, so I'm starting to doubt the narrator's character. Probably somebody important later on in the story, but I'm not sure who.
Overall, this was a great start to what looks to be an exciting story. I'm excited now. I've already got my popcorn ready and my boxes of Kleenex for when I start bursting into tears.
Looking forward to an update!
| Sky65 10/11/12 . chapter 1
You are such an amazing author im so jealousIts such an interesting idea you hVe here, so i cant wait for more!
| thenutrunningthenuthouse 10/10/12 . chapter 1
Let's begin with the obvious - your descriptions are beautiful. At first I was going to comment on how descriptions aren't great ways to start stories, but I now see how it connects with everything else. Wow, colors, huh? Oh geez, I'm a brown eyed brunette. o_O. I like how our main character has some mixture of bitterness and hope. It's nice to see that she looks to the sky as support for the dreary lifestyle she's come to know.
I'm chuckling seeing how you already have a character finding the concept of your world ridiculous. Normally we have to wait until at least chapter 2 before calling the world's laws we created stupid. XD
[This is the Dungeons, and it always, always embraces its prisoners with waiting arms. Stay away from the outside world, she tells everyone. Their perception of beauty is sick and twisted and they would all soon die anyway. The Altering may give them beauty, yes, but it eventually robs them of their life, slowly, slowly.]
- this is a very intriguing set of lines. It seems to foreshadow something, and something that our main character may even be directly involved in. It'll be interesting to see if she becomes a direct factor into this death or if she'll simply hope for it and eventually (I think...) be a bystander to the series of events.
Sorry that this review is so short. :( You're an amazing writer, so keep it up!
| DutchAver 10/5/12 . chapter 1
I'm getting a bit of a Hunger Games-ish vibe from this story - futuristic, and humanity turned crazy. But, knowing you, you're probably going into a wholly other direction than The Hunger Games, and I'm curious to where you're going. (Just, please, make sure Penumbrae has your first priority, because I'm dying to know how it ends and all)
It seems like an awful dystopian future anyhow. As far as I can tell from your summary, Vincent is Dull because he has too many dark colors? And the person narrating this chapter is, so far, not Clara?
Very well-written, that's for sure :) Curious to read more. But, again, Penumbrae comes first xD
| mingsquared 9/30/12 . chapter 1
Love the Prologue. The world building is elegant, yet not too much. I love how you weaved her thoughts and such into the process. Makes it all the more interesting. Can't wait to read more.
| scrubbybubbles 9/30/12 . chapter 1
When I read the summary for this story, I thought it was going to be somewhat similar to the novel "Uglies". I'm glad it didn't turn out that way (I really don't like that book). You write at a much higher level than I ever expected out of someone on this website. Therefore, you have a certain mastery of language that beckons the reader to read your story, to become engrossed in it. The usage of various rhetorical devices is quite prevalent in this piece, forcing readers to read more closely into the text so that they may pick up on every little detail, on every point you're trying to get across. You effectively limit your audience by doing so, but it increases the quality of the piece by leaps and bounds. The fact that you so clearly defined the distinction between the "Dull" and the "Colorful" creates a clear image in the reader's mind, effectively setting the stage for further plot and character development in the later chapters. I especially enjoyed how you chose to show us what was going on in your story rather than simply telling us; it gave the piece a realistic sort of feel that cannot be matched. Although your piece was exemplary on the whole, there were a few sentences that were rather muddled by the complexity of your writing. It was fairly difficult for me, as a reader, to visualize what you were trying to get across. Other than that, I found this piece to be engaging and commanding, as well as a very intellectually stimulative read. It was certainly a physically unsurpassable piece of literature.
"She puts them together, mixes the gems and the silence to concoct the prisoners' sleep."
-I'm really at a loss here; this particular description makes absolutely no sense to me, even in a figurative sense
"Beauty to them is vibrancy; a rainbow cacophony sprinkling over the already-bright Modern Earth."
-You had previously been describing color solely in terms of the sight and image of it, I don't understand why you would suddenly break from that, especially when it doesn't make sense to do so
"Picture perfect mutilations"
-Perhaps the word "abberations" would fit better; I don't believe that "mutilations" can be used to properly describe the "colorful people"
As a side note, I also found it fairly strange how you wrote:
"Dreams are an escape, they often tell her, but she pays no attention to them. Dreams are illusions, she thinks. Holograms of desire and trickery played by your subconscious mind; a sign of weakness."
Yet, not even a few sentences later, she contradicts herself by escaping into the realm of imagination, which is a conscious effort to achieve the same feeling as a dream, is it not? Even though she forces herself to stop thinking in that manner, you made it seem like she was rigidly against color. So even a seemingly harmless thought puts a real crack in the characterization of the main character, destroying the carefully put together resoluteness that the character upholds.
I sincerely hope this was all helpful to you.
| KimHua 9/30/12 . chapter 1
I really like the concept, but I'm not a fan of the present tense. I know you have only posted the prologue so far, but I felt the summary gave far more information about the story, and as a result I was a little disappointed. The summary promises more than the prologue delivers. That said, it's an interesting start.
| Writing In Ink Forever 9/30/12 . chapter 1
I really liked this!
It was amazing. :) I can't wait for more.
| Vernelley 9/30/12 . chapter 1
I was excited to read this after you mentioned it on Twitter :D
So, I like the concept so far; this generation of humans believe that everyone MUST be beautiful and to be otherwise is a crime. I think it's a good representation of not only something that sort of exists in the present, but maybe also different types of discrimination.
I wonder who this character here is, since she clearly has a wider perspective on the circumstances than I'm guessing most people in the story would; maybe she's from an era before humans began this Altering scheme? Though I am curious as to who she actually is if she's never left the Dungeons.
Also I like how you've written in present tense; I usually find past tense easier to read, but I suppose that's because that's what I write... I think writing in present tense contributes to the general effect of this story though, because it's like taking readers into the time it's happening, rather than the retelling effect past tense narration might give.
(Also I notice you like recycling names... Or are you still undecided on whether or not the Penumbrae sequel is happening?)
Anyway, I like it so far! Curious as to what happens next, though you'll probably be working more on Penumbrae for now.
| illusionae 9/30/12 . chapter 1
I was surprised to see that you uploaded a new story but I decided to check it out because the prologue is only short and I have lots of spare time anyway. I'm glad I did read this because I really like your ideas. I can't wait until we meet Vincent! I don't think the girl here is Clara because she doesn't match the description in the summary, so maybe it's a different girl who is stuck in the Dungeons?
| levisama 9/30/12 . chapter 1
This is an interesting idea! The descriptions are beautiful here, especially the starting paragraph about the sky and the prisoners sleeping. You really have a talent with making the simplest things sound enchanting. I am loving the idea of this messed up generation of people locking up those who aren't viewed as "beautiful" enough. I don't think I've come across that idea yet so I hope you update this soon!