|Reviews for Bruising!|
| Shinamori 10/21/12 . chapter 1
As a thanks for reading my story... I'm not a pro OK? This is just my opinion. :P Sorry if I sound like a language nazi to you. :PP
The way you bundle all the words together makes it hard to read. :P You should like make every dialogue a new paragraph. Eg.
"What's up?" "The sky."
Like, when your character is thinking, maybe you should consider something like:
(italics)He's insane, (non-italic) thought the veteran assassin. (add a random forced thought here)
And it should be 'bloodied bodies' not 'bloody bodies'. After that, you typed '...bloody bodies all over the ground warriors and Fiends alike getting limbs cut off during battle'.
'...bloodied bodies all over the ground, warriors and fiends alike getting their limbs dissected during the battle.' would be better. :DD
And there's this:
"My,my….Looks like, we're in a little stalemate, I'll fix that. Mizu hakai-ha!"
Maybe this would sound more appealing?
"My,my… Looks like we're in a little stalemate, aren't we? I'll fix that. (italics or not, it won't matter much here) Mizu hakai-ha!"
'A huge wave a water roared through the battlefield.' should be 'A huge wave of water (I dunno what to use here -.-" but I think that swept might be a good choice) through the battlefield.'
"Sachi-san, (a coma should be inserted here, it's OK if you don't though, I just think that it's a good idea to) do you know how to pick that kind of lock?"
'A girl assassin' should be 'a female assassin'. I just prefer it OK?
Well, 'the assassins said in unison' should be 'the assassins shouted in unison'. It's just my taste OK? :P
'It's only Kyodo left still calm and collected.' changed to ' Only Kyodo was left, but he was still calm and collected.' would be better.
'Shigeru fell the to the floor,(coma added here is a good idea) dead.'
'She had a dagger made of darkness sticking out her back.' is a good idea.
"Well I don't believe it, I'm popular…" can be improved to "Well, well, aren't I popular?"
Sorry if my grammar isn't that good, I'm just 13. :P Plus I'm Chinese, English is my second language. But hopefully my review is of help to you! :D
Akuma-kun ヅ (悪魔姫) (Please search it up on facebook and like my page, thanks!)
| DivinityRose 10/6/12 . chapter 3
Yaaay third chapter X3
Personally I like their names, and that was a great fight scene! oooh please update fast, I can't wait to find out more!
| jinrebust 10/5/12 . chapter 2
good stuff to be honest if my may add my complains just know they make you better and improve your writing now then my only major complain is that it's kinda hard to understand at certain points you made it into giant lumps of text which I do not reccomend Rarther you should make small pieces of text say 3-4 setences and that will make it alot mnore easier to understand I promise that
I'll patiencely be waiting for the next chapter ill folow the story as well
| DivinityRose 10/5/12 . chapter 2
Another great chapter :D
King XD , Ryuta seems pretty cool! Oooh cliffy, can't wait to see what happens next!
If I could offer one piece of advice, you did have two big blocky paragraphs, which isn't bad by no means, but if you separate it into sections it will make it easier for the reader to look through and read! That's up to you
| DivinityRose 10/5/12 . chapter 1
Wow to a manga company? Thats so exciting, I'd be way too petrified X3
Ooooh I love the concept, I can tell this story is going to be good! Hope you update soon :D