Hey there, remember me? :D I just saw this and decided to check it out. I'm not even done reading, and I've found some mistakes. This is an awesome story, though, I kid you not.

'also, the buildings were made out of some kind of metal.'

I honestly started laughing so hard I cried at this point. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I thought modern-day buildings were made of metal too.

I think you made jacks into a Mary-sue. GOSH, I hate Mary-sues. The part where she has the key and all and then it also turns out to be a laser!? Where did that come from? First, I would understand if her dad gave her the key, but why the laser bit? He dident know what was going to happen, therefore, why should he have given her a laser? Put some logic into this story, please!

And then when she turns out to be his mom? That, for me, was just plain freaky. And she dident 'raise' him. Not yet, anyway. The sentence should read 'if she COULD raise a son...'

Lastly, you need to add more punctuation and clairfy who is speaking when.

That's about it! its a really good story, I love the idea, yadda yadda yadda. Good job!