|Reviews for Touch|
| Y. S. Wong 5/8/13 . chapter 7
But being together outcasts is how love blossoms!
Oho. Nice try with the Lost Girl Cosplay Offensive, Ai-chan, but Everyo is the ship I have decided to board and no matter how much you blush, I won't change my mind!
Time to save Mako the Tako Taco's b'hind! I hope he dies from something utterly ridiculous, like getting impaled by a wooden horse that goes flying off a merry go round. I mean, how fun would that be?
| Y. S. Wong 5/7/13 . chapter 6
"It's how I recharge my Essence when I'm here." IMMA RECHARGIN' MAH ESSENCE!
Oh god, the grocery shopping scene. Another seeming favorite trope of the anime/manga world. How did this turn into a slice of life featuring the lives of Dear Evy and Brother Zephy?!
| Y. S. Wong 5/7/13 . chapter 5
I just noticed you've been narrating Zephy in third person his perspective all along. Lol. Not a big fan of switching perspectives like that in an otherwise first person work. I've always thought that if you used first person, you should stick with it throughout. I get you need to do it for storytelling purposes. Feels like a cop out, though. Ah, just me nitpicking since you like to pick my nits for Paradox Hunter as well. ;)
Midori is adorable.
Lol at Evelyn's reaction to Zephy. Hitting things when you think they're broken always works. Feel like that scene was missing a "YOU CAN SEE PEOPLE'S DEATHS BUT YOU WON'T BELIEVE I'M A SHINIGAMI?!" line though.
P.S. I hope I'm not the only one who imagined Zephy-kun making a moe moe "Uguuuuu itai yo!" face when Evelyn kicked him. I'm having way too much fun with this review.
And then the cutesy onomatopoeia again! The stars on Evelyn's ceiling! The "It's cold"! SO MUCH MOE!
Maybe Zephy should've just let Evy drown in the sink, though. Would have saved him a whole lot of trouble.
"For the love of Azrael" Or, he could've just grabbed his AMS and blasted Evelyn to smithereens.
| Y. S. Wong 5/5/13 . chapter 4
This Andrew guy is a dick. Go Ryo!
"Fingers trembling I unzip my skirt" This sentence began so well. By the way, where do the pockets in a skirt go? I have no experience with these things.
Zephy gets to meet Evy, eh? Nooooo! Everyo is by far the better ship!
| Encore19 5/5/13 . chapter 9
Cool chapter, I enjoyed it! I hope your arms get better soon :/
| Revamp 5/4/13 . chapter 1
The mere summary of this story alone was enough to pique my interest, since I love writing about supernatural things, and more specifically those that deal with death. I have written about shinigami and other such anomalies in my prior stories and even in current ones like Capricious Infection. Naturally, I was intrigued so I decided to read it after seeing it in several places.
It's a very good story from what I was able to read so far. I will read more in the future, but I want to be more alert when I am. Right now, this has been a late night read. My apologies if this review is less than stellar, for I am verging on taking myself to bed for the night but I'll try to give you a well-rounded review despite that fact.
Your characters are well-rounded and characterized well. The only thing I'd like to see are a little more thought process versus dialogue. In terms of characterization, you have done a spot on job in writing interesting interactions and creating individual personalities and distinguishable traits.
The plot is nicely written. It has a nice thrill and sense of urgency with the train scene that holds the reader's interest until the count down to zero. I was on the edge of my seat. I like the way that Zephyrus interactions with Gabriel and his thoughts on Azrael are interesting as well. These types of things can prove interesting when gone through in greater detail, which you may have already done in later chapters. So far, this is a good set up chapter, bringing everything together and delicately interweaving characters together.
I have little criticism to offer you in this chapter besides the lack of thought vs. dialogue but it's nothing too big of a criticism. Your writing style is interesting, and in ways it's a lot like my own. You have a nice technique, wonderful description and a nice pace.
I look forward to reading more of this story in the future. It's going to go on my favorite's list.
| Y. S. Wong 4/26/13 . chapter 3
"He's under the impression that when he doesn't, I get involved in another accident." Broken arm, accident-prone... OHO I DO BELIEVE I KNOW WHO EVELYN IS BASED ON.
The constant countdown in Evelyn's head was a nice touch and a good way to add tension as she stal-I mean, chases after Ai.
Dialogue and action driven chapters are definitely highly desirable. The darkness this chapter! It pierced my heart with its cold, darky goodness. The pacing and tension this chapter again was strong and reminiscent of the first chapter.
| Boomerkid 4/25/13 . chapter 8
Oh yes, I forgot to mention about a potential major plot hole from what I've read. I could have missed something, but I'll just let you know what I'm thinking.
(Minor spoiler tag?)
In this chapter, you mentioned that Evelyn's ability only works on a person the first time she comes into contact with them, and won't work on them after that. In chapter four, Evelyn had another death-vision (I think there's a better name for this) of Ryo while fighting... what was his name, Andrew? And she had one before where Ryo dies of lung cancer.
Not sure if I missed anything. But yeah, Evelyn had two visions of Ryo's death as far as we know. Maybe you could resolve this by adding a detail either within the current chapters or later stating that she is able to see the death of the same person more than once if the cause of their death and/or timestamp of death changes. Or maybe I just missed that detail!
| Boomerkid 4/25/13 . chapter 9
Ah, it's been a while. Caught up with the rest of the story in a span of just over an hour or so. Really nice work you've done so far!
I believe your writing here is best when it comes to Evelyn's first-person. You're really good on putting forth thoughts and feelings of the viewpoint character, and Evelyn's narration is a joy to read with how well her characterization is presented. Both Zephy and Ryo compliment her well. And I'm not sure if anyone else has pointed it out, but I'm really anticipating how things will play out when Ryo is discharged, comes back to school, and meets Zephy if Zephy remains in Evy's class or some other way (hope you don't mind the nicknames).
The bullying is, presented well to say the least. Bullies aren't usually the sort of characters meant to be likable and gushed over by huge hordes of fans. But I think you did well in the case of Makoto in that his attitude toward Evelyn is, while haughty with a sprinkle of contempt, not overly spiteful or malicious at all. He's the kind of bully that ostracizes and talks down more, getting classmates to join in which is usual, rather than threaten physically and well, all the more serious stuff. And good laugh seeing him implore for Evelyn's help! Draconis is a dangerous exist-nyance.
Other than for Spanish, I'm not sure if the tilde should be used in formal novel writing since, um, it makes the writing less formal? Ah, I haven't read light novels so I don't know whether tildes are used there. But since your prose looks very much manga-inspired, I don't think it'll detract the experience from your everyday reader that much. Ah, little nitpicks here and there almost every time I review something!
A few tiny bloopers. Especially one where you put dialogues of two different people in one paragraph: "Well that's… good, but that's not what I was going to say—" He freezes mid-sentence and turns several shades of blue as a voice calls from somewhere behind the shoji doors, "Dai-chan, is that you?"
Nothing to critique as far as the story goes for now! I'm looking forward to see more of the plot unfold, any notable antagonists and conflict, and Ryo getting discharged from za hospital because his orange hair, smokes, and fists will be missed if he doesn't.
All the best and hope you'll have a smooth recovery!
| Knight of the Forbidden Memory 4/24/13 . chapter 1
This story is really great. I am thouroughly enjoying the characters and your writing style. I also really like the flow of the story and the progress it is making and the pace is perfect. Incredible story plot. All in all, a catchy read.
| kingofe3 4/24/13 . chapter 9
So Draco is the reaper watching over Makoto and is toying with him. He's messing with his own schedule on purpose... or is changing Makoto's death for his own amusement. Interesting...
Btw, Makoto has a weird family.
| kingofe3 4/24/13 . chapter 8
The mysterious (potential) Reaper! Like how things are going. Sad that Evelyn gets crap for her ability.
| loob88 4/24/13 . chapter 1
This is a cool story idea :D
I love how the story works. It's very in-depth and interesting.
| Ryou Arubin 4/13/13 . chapter 7
I open my mouth to defend myself but Kojima-san's words are have already struck a chord with most of the other students. - omit "are"?
Heh, Makoto's really acting hateful despite knowing where he stands in this situation. Still, I love Evelyn's being treated as a freak/outcast because of Makoto's actions, she still decided lend a helping hand to him. Yay for Evelyn!
Many, many mysteries. Okay, maybe two. The mysterious Reaper (?) who appears on the bridge over the highway at 1am every night without fail. And I reckoned what Zephyrus saw outside the window was the mysterious Reaper.
Keep up the good work! :D
| Ryou Arubin 4/13/13 . chapter 6
And I am back! Seemed like it has been a while since you updated too.
"Now, Shinigami-san is a bit, uh… special. This is first time attending school, so please make sure you treat him kindly and provide him with guidance, okay?" - missing a "his" in between "is" and "first"?
It's a great chapter before transiting the next arc or case. Evelyn's narration is really hilarous, not to mention Zephyrus acting like a foreigner to the Human Plane. (I bet Evelyn's blood was boiling throughout the whole chapter XD)
Now that Zephyrus is sticking close to Evelyn, let's see how she would deal with Makoto's case.