|Reviews for Kept Apart|
| Kommissar 10/16/12 . chapter 1
[Unknown to the general population, the governments of the world had started to build vast underground bunkers. Their purpose? To house a portion of the Earth's population to insure the continuity of the human race.]
Hmmm, this is quite hard to pull off without anyone knowing, because then everybody who works for the government, plus the people they have to hire to build these bunkers, would all have to be in on it and not tell anyone, ever. Also, where would they build these bunkers that people wouldn't notice them coming and going?
Apostrophies show posession, so be careful of putting apostrophies where they're not needed.
So far the whole bit is just telling. Its like an overlong introduction to the story's setting and plot rather than it being a seperate chapter with characters interacting with the setting. Try to show, don't tell.
| Guest 10/13/12 . chapter 1
who good start with a fixed point in the future just need to fill in the middle also room for prequiels JackieRay
| Isis 47 10/11/12 . chapter 1
Sorry, I meant to get to this yesterday. :/
"They had very little muscle definition or strength due to their sedentary life styles and thanks to the advances in medicine, their immune system was weaker than those who originally inhabited the bunkers. Academically, they focused on law, economics, technology or science related courses. While these areas flourished, art and literature became stagnant. There was virtually no progress in these areas. There was no recognition of social activities. Any interaction between rueclass people had to have some advantage for those involved, other than just merely meeting to talk or have a good time."
-You can already tell we're probably going to hate these guys - they're weak, smart, and most likely complainers because of their social class. Er, no social class.
"However, music and the art of storytelling was prominent with this class. Where the rueclass faltered in these areas, the proles advanced. Social activities were a massive part of prole life. A wedding, or a newborn child's naming day, could have hundreds, if not thousands of guests- many just walking off the street to congratulate those involved and to catch up with old friends."
-I thought of Lord of the Rings when I read this. The beginning, when they were partying and having a great time. The proles work hard, have a good body build (despite the size), yet still know what fun means. I hope to see more of these people, and what you have in store for them.
"The Federal Republic of Ireland, and the Italian Republic."
-This made me laugh, though how did they get the subsitute for oil?
"The onboard computer of the Zeus 2 probe had gathered information about a possible spacal distortion, and they also indicated that only months had passed for the Zeus 2, not a century. Dr. Delany had deduced that these "tunnels" could provide a way for a ship travelling at near light speeds to travel great distances, normally century's worth of travel, in a few months. Of course, time still passed normally in the rest of space, but on the ships using these tunnels, the crew on board might age anything from a minute to a day for every year that went by in "normal" space. It was possible, Dr. Delany postulated, that a traveller could use these tunnels for what may be ten years for that traveller, and millennium would pass on Earth."
-Alright, so that looks a little long on here. But this is very interesting; are they like worm tunnels? And what information will that be used for later in here . . ?
Interesting start. I'd like to see a chapter two, yes.
| harrisonmarks 10/9/12 . chapter 1
Nice first chapter. hope to see more soon.