Hello, this is a very nice short you wrote. I admire the image you're giving us here. The writing is very clear! ( I hate it when people add too much... They spread sentences way too thin.)

Thanks for sharing this story!

I like your clean, minimalist style of your prose. Its matter-of-fact and understated depiction of the incident accentuates the impact of the tragedy. I also have to commend on your economy of description, which made this a really smooth and immersive reading experience. The little touches of metaphoric language like " a superhero in baby-shoes". Really nice.

That said, I do agree with Stuck in Bed's sentiments that the girl's death felt too sudden. I felt I was thrown off my feet a little there. But perhaps that was your intention, to show that death can come so suddenly like a falling of a shooting star that one can't take in the fact that it has just happened.

I like the idea of your tale and how it links to the stars. The last lines were especially powerful, describing the uselessness of the situation: "But it is too late. They will work all night, but it is too late." The repetition of the conversation at the end is powerful, as though it was foreshadowing the girl's death all along.

However, I also feel that it was too short. The girl's death felt too sudden and not as dramatic. I believe that you should have gone into more detail. I also feel that the mother's reaction was inadequate. The verb "wails" especially doesn't seem to portray the mother's worry. It makes it seem as though the mother is lamenting but not really doing to try to save her daughter.

Very sad, but very good. I like your descriptions; they're simple but get the point across well enough for us to visualize it.

Guess we should appreciate the beauty while it's there, eh?

This is powerful and intriguing!
I love the society you create, and the mother-daughter relationship is well-defined as well. Do you write anything else about this world? I would love to read it...

I like this a lot. It has some very powerful imagery. Very pretty.

BlackRosesFreedom