Anonymous:
Thanks so much. Your interpretation of the poem matches mine a great deal and that makes me feel like you really understood the poem and my adaptation of it. Thank you.

Seems to me that the first stanza is referring to how short life can be and how no matter what we do, we have no control over when it ends. The first stanza talks about a healthy diet, doing our best to survive and yet it can be over quickly.

The second stanza discusses the beginnings of life - it juxtaposes how life starts with its ending in the first stanza, to emphasise its preciousness.

Life is a collection of memories - of people's past - what they have lived through and what they have experienced etc. And how, when its over, the memories are lost if they're not documented. And since, for whatever reason, "I" lost contact with David, whether it's death or whether it's just a failure to keep in touch, "I" no longer have access to his memories.

As for your prose, you mention your phone as well as the Egyptian princess mentioned in the poem, which sort of contrasts modern life to the life of millennia ago - indicating life fundamentally hasn't changed even though we kind of live it differently. Fundamentally, it's still a collection of memories as it was then.

Good job.

I love how the poem is like a messy train of thought! I got quite absorbed in it.

When you re-worked the poem you captured that characteristic of the narrator well, and yet, I would have liked it a li'l bit more if some paragraphs were longer to show the narrator lost in a train of messy thought. Just sayin'!

Hmm, the poem could be about remembering a life and how hard that is, not only about memory I guess? Now, if I am right then you re-enforced it by having the convo between the guy and his twin.

I thought some of the connections to the poem seemed a bit forced and unnatural, maybe if you had let it run on longer it would have made more sense.
The narrative style was nice though, a good blend of action and description, and the tone was nice too, it wasn't pretentious but, on the other hand, wasn't too conversational.
The dialogue feels a bit stiff.
But overall this was nice.

Can I comment on other stuff in the writing? Do I only answer your question or what?

The poem's idea I would say is about memory but then not so much in the first verse of it.

Your writing reenforced the poem's idea with words and quotations drawn from the poem. There are other ideas in there as well but just in the poem because your writing below sticks to memory.

The two verses should come together more in your writing.