|Reviews for The Cursed Prince|
| reader 4/21/13 . chapter 1
I don't write, and would not dare try since i know i'm not cut out for it, but i am an avid reader. However, I can tell you that whilst your use of language is better than the average writer on this site, and I can see that you tried to inject some eloquence through your choice of words and description ( that might also be my greatest critism, since it isn't very successful), your novella needs major revision if you want it be published.
For starters, the prologue is over the top and has made me loss my interest already. A few chapters later, I find the descriptions too long and lend little to the story, you could probably get away with over describing if you have the ability to lend more of a prose like tone to the story telling or make it more relevant by descibing specific things that matter or inject an ongoing theme in it.
I have only read a few chapters so that is all i dare to say on your story, but I do not recommend taking this to the publishers since this so far seems typical amateur writing.
| melodydaggerhart 2/2/13 . chapter 3
The important and interesting information here is that we find out Aaden was abused. This backs up what was suspected as his reason for fearing the King and running away from home. We have the search party after him and him seeking shelter in whatever safe-haven is available. We also get a good view of the conditions in which the subjects of the kingdom live. All of this is good. It moves the story forward and offers interaction. We can learn a lot about characters based on how they interact with other characters.
My main complaint here is once again mechanics. So, once again I found myself skimming to look for important information, rather than enjoying the reading experience. I know now that this is what the rest of the story is probably going to be like. The question now is ... do I want to skim for 21 chapters?
The other thing that made it difficult to follow was the length and the fact that most of these other character have no names. This chapter has a lot of little details that feel repetitive; it could be tightened to give more punch to each aspect. And without names, there isn't much for me to latch onto here other than Aaden.
I'm not seeing a connection to the prologue yet, so I'm still of the opinion that chapter 1 is a better start. I'm still interested in seeing what happens to the boy, but interest is waning because of mechanics.
| melodydaggerhart 2/2/13 . chapter 2
In terms of interest and action, this chapter is a much better start. (I would recommend ditching the prologue.) The boy's attempt to escape his own home immediately raises the question "why", but on a better foundation of logic than the prologue. It's believeable even without knowing the whole story yet because kids are often subjected to terrible treatment (even when they just think things are terrible and they're not), and they think the answer is to run away. So, we have a credible, interesting start with an interesting character here. The interaction between the knight and the queen are also a point of interest.
Mechanics are my main complaint. I kept having to reread and stumble past the grammar and wording, so I ended ug giving up on immersion and skimming outside of the story for characters and events. I want to get into the story, but the mechanics are a real obstacle to work around. At this point, I'm interested in turning the page to see what the characters do next, but I'm hesitating at the possibility of more issues with mechanics.
| melodydaggerhart 2/2/13 . chapter 1
I like the quote at the beginning and how you bring it back to a cycle in the end. Those are good techniques for making this chapter, and perhaps the whole story, feel like a cohesive unit. I also like your description of the old woman and the mystery that she brings while authenticating what's happened. Those are the strengths that I see here.
I'll have to read the entire story through to judge whether I think the prologue is necessary. Most prologues can be removed so that the reader gets right into the action, but I will defend prologues that serve a purpose toward delivering information that cannot be conveyed to the reader directly through the story itself.
There were two things that pulled me away from your content. First ... mechanics. I found myself having to reread to understand in several places due to grammar and lengthy wording. (I can offer specifics in PM.) Rereading for understanding also means I was pulled out of enjoying immersion.
The second thing is I can't tell whether this is a children's story or an adult story, so I'm having trouble deciding what level I should be reviewing it as. I see that it is "K" rated, which could mean either. It starts like a fairy tale (once upon a time, a boy was cursed), which also could be either audience. But the fact that there is no explanation given as to why the boy was cursed makes me think this is a children's tale. Children's tales tend to set up assumptions rather than giving explanations. For an adult tale, explanations are necessary for credibility, especially with things like curses. In this case, a boy is filled with hatred for no apparent reason. And it cycles from generation to generation without reason. I'm thinking the rest of the story is probably going to explain this, but until then it's a stretch for me to accept that a baby could be born so full of hate. I'm not able to become immersed.
The other thing that came to mind while reading this was the opening of Disney's BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, maybe because of the similar deal with the witch. But Beast's curse is acceptable for kids and adults alike in that story because we see why he was cursed, right at the beginning. He was mean to an old woman, so she cursed him to wear his beastly mannerisms, until he could learn compassion. Knowing that, we can get on with his tale about how he broke his curse. I feel like that's what's missing here. Why is this boy filled with a hate that transcends time? It's an interesting concept, but without a reason it feels empty from an adult perspective.
We'll see how the first impression compares to what actually unfolds next. :)
| TheWriterofBadDreams 11/14/12 . chapter 1
It's really good, I like it. A bit long, though, and description-heavy- it would be easier to read through if you moved things along a bit quicker. That's only a minor thing, though. I like how the people talk, all rough an' such, and Aaden is a character I definitely want to know more about.
Good stuff! Don't know why there's no reviews here.