|Reviews for Skin|
| ResurrectedLight 3/1/13 . chapter 2
Wow, this is really getting interesting. I have so many questions, that I can't wait to be answered.
More grammar notes,
'I rubbed my neck as I stared out at the bright morning sun outside my window. But it wasn't my window. Why wasn't it my window? I stood and looked outside the window.' It's a bit repetitive, if you mean for it to be then leave it. Like if the window holds some special significance. If not, find some way to change the sentences up. Cause all this has me thinking is, 'What's up with the freaking window?' lol
'I frowned softly- I couldn't remember who the name belonged to- and looked over at the mirror.' I'm sorry but how does someone 'frown softly'? Maybe 'slightly' would be a better adjective?
'On my neck, written in 'blood', was a name.' Is it actually written in blood or would 'blood-like letters' be a better way of describing it?
'The truth had just fallen out- I trust him.' Why does she trust him? I thought she doesn't know who he is and has lost her memories, why would she so suddenly put her trust in him? Give us readers a reason why she would, maybe she's the type of person who easily trusts people, maybe he does something trust-worthy, maybe he looks nice.
'I sighed and went to the bed, laying down, sprawling on the bed.' Both lying down and sprawling out on the bed are not necessary, choose one.
Just a note but you really shouldn't use the same adjectives more than once when your chapters are so short, especially in the same paragraph or sentence. It gets repetitive. For example I think you used 'softly' six times in this chapter. Try 'gently', 'tenderly', or 'delicately'. You also used 'curiously' right after each other, try 'inquisitively' or 'inquiringly'.
Can't wait to read more!
| ResurrectedLight 3/1/13 . chapter 1
This is a interesting start to what looks to be a very fascinating story.
I found my way to your story from the Labyrinth Forum so I'm going to try and review chapter by chapter so I can try and point out the grammar errors I noted (It's what I would like done for my stories),
'I waited and hear(d) the distant sound of a river.' Just a suggestion, but maybe 'stopped' instead of 'waited' would be a better verb here?
'I smiled softly then twirled my fingers around the yellow stems that sprouted from the middle of the dark pink center of the petals.' I think you might mean stamen (plural stamina or stamens), the stems are the green part of the flower that hold it up? (I'm not an expert I had to look it up to make sure)
'I stood and walk(ed) to the water, leaning over it(unnecessary?) to see my face.'
'It was smudged from(with?) dirt, probably from when I'd sat down.'
'My eyes flew open and I turned to see a group of dark blue suited men.(,) G(g)uards of the labs.(,) H(h)ere to get me.' I get you're trying to punctuate this with the periods but it doesn't make for good sentences. Commas make for better sentences. (Grammatically speaking anyway)
'I then tried to run as fast as possible towards(the 's' in unnecessary, I know when we speak it is usually there but it shouldn't be in writing) the smaller of the two groups.'
'"You've been part of an experiment(sp) to test some little things. It's for the betterment of humanity, Melinda."'
'All over my body I was covered in one what seemed to be tattoos.' I'm not entirely sure about this sentence. You could simply remove the 'one' and it would be fine. However, if you were trying to point out something else like if it was all 'one tattoo' or if you meant to refer to 'what one would call tattoos'… I don't know.
Can't wait to read more! :)
| ArmachiA 2/2/13 . chapter 4
•First of all, what a fantastic concept for a story! It’s so unique and refreshing! This is a good idea, really. I was already drawn in just by the summary. Very cool. A
•You’re writing style is very good. It’s smooth and it flows well, there are very little awkward moments in your narration and the dialogue flows smoothly
•You said you wanted to know if you should keep writing it, I think the answer is yes. The concept is too good to not expand upon. I think this could be a very good story with the right direction.
•Chapter one: “I didn't know the name, I'd never cared to know. Until the labs.” I don’t know what “Until the labs” means. Maybe expand on it more?
•I would like to learn more about the world a little earlier on than the story is letting me. I’m learning a lot about the main character, sometimes I feel a bit too much for how early we are in the story. It’s okay to let some mystery’s remain for later chapters and do some world building in early chapters.
•You mention Lydia has tattoos over her skin numerous times, the reader doesn’t need to know that she has them over and over again. A description of what they are would suffice :)
•At this point in the story, Jerrod seems a bit overbearing. He’s all over poor Lydia and she’s lost her memory. Give her some space man! She doesn’t know who you are! XD
| Un-Ended Tales Unravel 2/1/13 . chapter 2
Very intriguing, the tattoos and what they mean. The mystery is growing and I think I'll stick around to find out what happens next. The storyline is progressing well and has so many possibilities of where it could be going. I'll be sure to read on.
| Un-Ended Tales Unravel 1/28/13 . chapter 1
You definitely have my attention. I agree that life doesn’t seem real sometimes, especially when you’ve just come back from being lost in a particularly good story.
Could use another read through. You have extra letters and missing letters. Ask T.K. Hyun for a review. T.K. is a grammar nut. You have good description, but it could use a little bit more.
"I then tried to run as fast as possible towards the smaller of the two groups. I slipped to the right and started to run." Try to play with these two sentences so that you aren't repeating the word 'run'.
Let your imagination run away with you when you're writing. I hope that my review is of some help. I will be sure to review the rest when I have time.
So much to do and so little time.
| Linguistic 1/28/13 . chapter 4
I find your story really intriguing. I was captured by the first chapter, which hooked me solely on the virtue of the 'skin' technology/mutation, and the mysterious 'Labs'.
Since then, my big irk is that I haven't learned anything new about the world. Lydia is trapped in a laboratory, reliving boring memories from her past- which actually don't reveal anything about how this new invention has changed the world. It's too introspective! I need another escape attempt! It seems more like a dreamy diary now than a fantasy or science-fiction.
I still, of course, really like it. Your writing is clear and elegant. Keep that up. I'm going to follow it, to see how you do in later chapters.
| Luna's Child 1/28/13 . chapter 4
I like the story very much. I'm curious about what this lab Lydia is in is all about. Update!
| Luna's Child 1/28/13 . chapter 3
The story's plot continues to be interesting. Great work.
| Luna's Child 1/28/13 . chapter 2
Ahh, so she actually didn't kill her mom. Perhaps it's survivor's guilt that made her believe so? That, or the lab personnel are lieing to her. Either way, great chapter.
| Luna's Child 1/28/13 . chapter 1
I liked the prologue. It was interesting enough to catch my detail. I shall read more.
As for your question, here's a idea for a pet name: my little owls, since they are usually associated with wisdom, and reading/writing is something that not everyone can do. Just an idea.
| jenxrawr 12/9/12 . chapter 2
oh my gosh, though. i really wish you made your chapters longer! again, you gotta give a little more. describe what people look like, the rooms she is in, what she is seeing, how she feels. But not just detail, you have to explain some things more.
You wrote: On my neck, written in 'blood', was a name. I touched it softly and took a couple of steps toward the mirror until I was in front of it. I pulled my straight black hair back from my neck and looked at the name, "Beatrice." I knew what the tattoo meant. I'd killed this person. Whoever she was, I'd killed her.
Me: What? This literally doesn't make any sense. How can tattoos be so powerful? If you're going to make something magical you have to explain this. How did tattoos gain this much power over someone? Is it in the ink? or in the fact that something permanent has now been written on their skin? Has it always been like this? Or did someone, something/some organization, make it like this? Be mindful of the line between mysterious and then down right confusion. Okay?
But overall, you have a lot of creativity and some really great ideas. You have a nice voice, and a rather interesting character.
| jenxrawr 12/9/12 . chapter 1
Ok this is a really interesting start. You have a few grammar things here and there, but nothing a small amount of editing can fix.
I understand that you want us to dive into this world of your main character but be a little cautious. If you are going to plunge us into your mind then you must be prepared to provide enough detail, exposition, so that we can imagine it nearly as clearly as you can.
I would work with your first section, above the part where she gets re-captured and play around with more scenery detail and some emotion. It's a little weird that she's running frantically for her life and then decides to go for a swim, lucky for her at least the water is warm. haha, so yeah. play around with what you have to say and how you want to say it.