|Reviews for The Legacy of the Last Oracle|
| Supreme Gamesmaster Yddisac 5/20/13 . chapter 1
You certainly made us hate the lights like Sophia does right away. That opening stung. o_x
The strength of this story would be in its character building. I liked Uncle Howard right away; I saw him, after all, just after he was talking about cutting the cake for his four-year-old niece's birthday party. You barely had any time to develop him and you still managed to. Other sentences also contribute to character-building beautifully. For example, this sentence: "'Oh come on!' roared Ethan suddenly, standing up and staring at the screen with murder in his eyes. Jason had moaned in anguish as well, running both hands through his light-brown hair; Paul did the same, although he honestly had no idea why." That is wonderful; in a single sentence it tells us about Ethan's and Jason's temperaments and Paul's society. I'd like to learn that compactness; as it is, I take a whole chapter of nothing happening to establish characters properly. That's... really not good. ;;
The problems - and I realize well that this first chapter was published some time ago, so you may well have been grieved about this for some time - lie in the presentation of the fantasy. The title of the series, the names of Faith and Lord Shadeus, and the summary are all so cliché I nearly didn't read this story at all. SInce it is a fairly good story, that's rather a waste. It's too late to change it twenty-nine chapters in, I know, but for future reference, perhaps? (I like to think my criticism can be constructive at some point.)
Will read farther when it's not so late so as to give a review on the more current things. And props for having the motivation to update weekly. It's... harder than it sounds, I know. ;;
| InfatuatedCritic 5/20/13 . chapter 30
Yaaay, Dallan got some focus and kicked some ass! :D
Found two things that bothered me in this chapter:
1.) The scene with Loara in the beginning of the chapter. It was difficult to differentiate from the description to the invisible woman's dialogue. Maybe you could put what the woman's saying in italics?
2.) The beginning of Faith and Chase's fight scene, the one that starts with "She smirked. Then the air was alive with fire and darkness and all manners of evil as Faith lost herself to her rage and hatred, becoming something more than just a demon in that moment of time."
While awesome, I did have some trouble reading the entire paragraph because my mind was getting distracted. Perhaps you could split it into two reasonable paragraphs for easier reading?
| Cory of PRIVATE Corp 4/30/13 . chapter 29
I want to make a "Of Mice and Men" joke but I can't remember anything off of the top of my head. And I call myself a nerd.
"one of these two" I think you mean "too."
"Church and state should always be totally separate." Agree but what does that say about our laws over here in the States? Sounds to me like there's no separation at all, just discriminating rights to regular everyday folks.
And speaking of memes, Lili's forgetting one: "Deal with it."
... So in the case of 4 out of 100 are born blind? My math could be off, but that seems rather small... And somehow I can imagine those born blind with psychic powers have something similar to sonic echolocation.
Well there is some sort of magic in our world, but that really depends on how one views it. Sure it's not elaborate like Gaia's, but again it does depend on how one interprets it. And huh, I'm kinda grateful that I'm not a Catholic, although I guess it's true that Christians are stupid.
Bah! You (Not you, Loara) call genetic experimentation sickening? It's Science! It's a miracle that I haven't found that lab and taken it over. I could use the experience for my own creations.
So that's what happens when we activated the remaining 10% of our brains? Better get some headache medication.
And good luck on your studies and testing! And don't worry, I'll blame Infatuated until you're back.
Dallan Word Count for this Chapter: 31
| InfatuatedCritic 4/29/13 . chapter 29
I really couldn't find any mistakes here. Of course, I'll notify you later if I find any in a future re-read.
PFFT Lilienne with her sunglasses. xD
LOARA. WTF IS HAPPENING.
[ERGO, YOU MAY NOT FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED FOR PERHAPS TWO WEEKS OR MAYBE ONE. HAHA. DO YOU HATE ME ALL NOW? BLAME INFATUATEDCRITIC.]
Explain yourself right this minute, Lux.
| Cory of PRIVATE Corp 4/23/13 . chapter 28
The quote for this chapter got me thinking... "Let's dance! Put on your red shoes and dance the blues"
Well I could get why it smell so badly. If the river is a stream of lava (magma?), then there's bound to be the smell of sulfur lingering as well, giving off that lovely scent of rotten eggs.
Since when is pleading to be a werewolf a good case for insanity?
I'm guessing we're going to be seeing more catfights down the road if Faith is going to mess with emotions...
Ever since the mention of Star Wars, I imagined Frefnir to be Chewie and now I got the images of ROTJ's ending playing in my head, minus all of the Stormtroopers, burning Vader body and Force ghosts.
Eh, I don't get the importance of a duke and duchess. To me, I don't give a crap if they are royalty, a title's a title... unless they're a princess, then I can go out and say "well excuuuuse me princess."
... And thank God I'm not that religious to begin with. Forgive for saying this but WHAT THE HELL MAN!? Jesus, that's freaking dark! Are they really that hellbent on making a Chosen One to stoop that low? ... I need a shower.
Good luck to you my friend. Take your time and do well in your studies and tests.
| InfatuatedCritic 4/22/13 . chapter 28
[Her grimaced grew as she warily sniffed the air]
'grimaced' should be 'grimace'
[She then knelt down to exam the ground, good,]
'exam' should be 'examine'
Aside from those errors, everything looks good! I really wanted to give Elle a hug though. D: Poor girl.
| Cory of PRIVATE Corp 4/16/13 . chapter 27
OK, just to make sure I don't accidentally copied something from my other saved comments, I wrote this on a separate file. Now then, the review must go on!
Well if they're in a cave, wouldn't starting a cave-in work as well as jumping off a cliff?
Ethan makes no Batman. And come when I was reading Geberrai's description "Macho Man" popped into my head?
Yes, run away from creatures that are capable of seeing in the dark while you, who are trying to adjust your eyesight, run amuck in a cavern system only a select few know about and there are brainwashed creatures tailing you that can easily rip you apart like tissue paper. Yeah... good thing they're the heroes!
,,, So that's your reference? Man, it's been a long time since I've played that... well, the Gamecube version. That version was buggy.
Somehow I imagined Mox like your regular madman in any works of fiction, with my mind playing the sight of a owner of black blood going mad thanks to its properties. Then again, if he's like a Silent Hill character, he's bound to go mad considering what that town does to you. ... Hopefully he isn't Christabella.
Eh, why so "mannish?"
And next is Psychic... Psyche, whatever.
Dallan Word Count for the Chapter: 189. Catchy little bug, isn't he?
| InfatuatedCritic 4/15/13 . chapter 27
["Well this is odd," state Sophie bluntly as she examined the Chamber of the Guardian in more detail.]
'state' should be 'stated'
Also, there were instances where you put [mannishly] after some of the make characters screamed. I don't think that's particularly necessary for the reader to know that, since everyone screams (and screams loudly like girls) every now and then... just remove it. Just a thought.
I DID get the references, don't worry. I'm just too lazy to point them out.
| Cory of PRIVATE Corp 4/9/13 . chapter 26
You know, with the talk of grammar and spelling, I am technically one known to have bad grammar myself but considering that this game isn't exactly perfect in more ways than one, it does throw me off a bit when I read some of the game's dialogue. Here's an example:
"Toad sadness posioned the air, inflicting magic into Peach breasts"
To while it should be read as "Toad's sadness poisoned the air, inflicting magic to Peach's breasts," that first half of the sentence is actually OK in my book. Heck it's a lot funnier considering that there are two Toads there (granted one of them is a Toadette), so "Toad sadness" makes all the more sense and funny! And this is my favorite line out of the whole project! Whoever wrote this is a genius!
Well wouldn't you be surprised to be talking to a survivor of two lightning strikes? After all, not a whole lot of people who do get struck are lucky enough to live, let alone survive to get hit again. And I don't care if it's magic, that's still lightning! ... Then again, how many times did I strike Ed with his own lightning?
Actually I think the whole "karma's long-awaited justice" might be a little harsher later on.
... Wait, dark circles are hereditary?
And after watching the same news show that has somehow introduced me to a "legal" product that is designed to fool drug tests, the funniness of our human language has managed to transfer into this world. Nice to see Lili have the same sense of humor like the common Internet male viewer. Although, where's the appeal in a catfight when the girls start drawing blood?
Hi Swarm! Nice to see you again after a while! Where have you been?
And let me see this: 1) Necromancy isn't going to bring everyone back to their original living form (because that's gonna create problems), 2) You can't satistify your Greed, 3) There's no magic that can cure natural causes (which I can understand), 4) Any sort of Transformation spell isn't plastic surgery (that's gonna look odd), and 5) You can't always get what you want with magic. And somewhere in those laws, is there a thing as "Magic must defeat Magic!"
I smell a future obvious pop culture reference with the fear of snakes...
But Mary's the mother of Jesus, not God...
I'm not sure what Faith was drinking, but after reading that, that was pure grade nightmare fuel. Yeesh, I don't like a lot of spiders, but reading that just makes one's skin crawl.
Because padding! Hey, we need to get people to read more, so why not? And let me say this: Infatuated Critic is wrong on one thing! It's not "from," it's "for." Come on, how does "I'm sorry from endangering..." sound?
Dallan Word Count for This Chapter: 15
| InfatuatedCritic 4/8/13 . chapter 26
If I sound a little rude, I apologize. I've had a very long, stressful day today.
[Paul was glad that this could be done, since back in Westenerley (their hometown),]
I suggest either removing the statement and parentheses altogether, or just rephrasing it to "since back in their hometown Westenerly".
[Admittedly, the sky at night there was better than in places such as Columbus or Cincinnati, so he was grateful for that, but nothing could compare to what he was seeing just now.]
Nothing to critique, other then, hey! One of those cities is where I was born!
[which unfortunately had the faintest traces of dark-purple between them (although since Jason had these bags also then it was probably hereditary)]
I don't think dark shadows under the eyes are hereditary, that comes from not sleeping very well. or sleeping too litte. Trust me, I have them myself.
[and so it was rather more effective than it should have been in making her keel over in a sideward's direction.]
'sideward's' should be 'sideways'
[Instantly Tifa was up on her feet, the rain reversed as she began to batter Loara]
'the rain'... huh?
["I actually agree with Loara here," admitted Jason, drawing his katana.]
... when did Jason get a katana? Did you mean Chase?
[Left in its watery wake was a collection of sodden adventures]
'adventures' should be 'adventurers'
["I'm sorry fro endangering us all,]
'fro' should be 'from'
[we all need to have little outburst every now and again]
'outburst' should be 'outbursts'
GAH do not want to meet the Rachnare ever. I hate spiders almost as much as I hate American Centipedes.
| okunoin 4/5/13 . chapter 2
I like how this chapter acts as a reflection to the first one, very interesting how you mirror the events in that way! It still feels very introductory so I can understand why a large part of it is setting the scene and whatnot, it does work!
- ' she wore an unassuming brown traveller's cloak over her clothes underneath, completely obscuring them.' You can delete 'underneath', it's completely redundant in this sentence
- 'pale-blonde hair was in a simple yet pretty bun on top of her head, tied into place with a deep blue ribbon. Her eyes were a mix of sky-blue and sea-green, a coming together of two of creation's greatest forces - they were like looking into time, holes that held intelligence beyond her years. She soon found herself walking behind two young girls of about twelve - her own age. Judging by the fact that one of them had a considerable amount of books in her arms, she guessed that they shared her destination; this was only confirmed when Book Girl's companions spoke to her.' I'm quoting all of this, because I really like it! It's a great way of describing her appearance without it reading too bland, and 'Book Girl' was a nice way of addressing the stranger.
- ''it seemed like green and brown were her preferred colours, as her boots and cotton skirt were the former, while her cardigan was as green as grass. Her blouse and tights were a snowy white'' And I'm quoting this for the opposite reason as above, I feel that in writing 'it seemed like green and brown were her preferred colours', all you're doing is TELLING the reader that those are her preferred colours (and that she'll probably be wearing these colours for most of the story?) it's a really transparent way of characterizing her, as Elle wouldn't have drawn this conclusion herself, the narrative weighs too heavily on the plot here I think
- 'most likely a Student, destined one day to advance to an Alumnus' - Should these be capitalized?
- ' the sound like water tinkling over sleigh bells.' LOVE this! It's a wonderful simile
- '"Well, that's the people of Areth for you, …?"' You're using punctuation here to try and describe an action (the ...? to try and show Laora's inquisitive need for Elle's name) but it's a bit messy
- '"What I pleasure to see you again, and it appears you have brought a friend.' 'What I pleasure' reads wrong, 'What a pleasure' maybe?
-' but allowed herself to startle slightly when she heard Carmysa calling her name.' 'allowed herself to startle slightly' reads a bit funny, I think the act of being startled is an involuntary thing, so it's not something a person can 'allow'
- 'on ins front in elegant gold lettering' its*
- '"It was like nothing I've every felt before' ever*
-'several beings poke with her, her voice being echoed by voices that were not her own:' spoke*
- ' Faith gave a roar and launched the trident - it hit directly where he had been standing seconds before. She gave a roar of a scream that shook' you repeat 'gave a roar' a second time, maybe change one of these?
I hope these pointers help you out! Most of it is just typos and stuff haha
I'm looking forward to seeing what the Temple of Elements brings, it feels like the plot is just about to burst to life so I'm very eager! :D
| okunoin 4/3/13 . chapter 1
Well this is certainly a labour of love! Your prose is dripping with description, I can see the way that you've detailed the events as you have is a result of lots of time and effort put into this, which really gives the insight into the world.
I was wondering if there is more to 'Faith' than you've let on here, her name itself indicates something completely different to how she presents herself to the group, so maybe there'll be a backstory there? Kinda excites me ;p I've always loved strong female characters, both villains and heroines, so Faith and Sophie are real stand outs in your story.
I do have some criticisms that I hope might help your future writing, they're mostly broad observations as opposed to grammar and nit-picking (because those are impeccable!)
- '"Well, there're plenty of things that we can use to ward against evil. Horseshoes, for example, or white heather. It would've been great to have had both." Both Sophie and Tifa looked at each in exasperation, their eyebrows raised considerably at their friend's lamentations; April was extremely nice, but she had always been a little on the odd side - while thankfully not getting'- Sorry for quoting this whole thing, but it's hard to be precise with some observations. Basically, for this piece, I feel like your ability to characterize is both great and yet sabotaged. You have this awesome way of showing April's quirky personality, by her suggestions for 'horseshoes' 'or white heather' that are totally off the wall, but then you proceed to explicitly state how 'she had always been a little on the odd side' - and I feel like in blankly saying this to the reader, it kinda removes some of the personality that the speech has developed, because you're removing any room for the reader to draw their own conclusions (based on her actions and speech) and instead, just telling the reader 'she is odd'.
- 'Tifa's green eyes, as bright as her hair was dark, thinly veiled her annoyance. Her hooded top and sneakers were as black as her hair, and only her three-quarter length trousers were a different colour - white.' Here's just one example for something you do very excessively through the chapter as well - for each character you introduce, you describe their outfit and features with almost obsessive detail. When I read this way of describing each character as they came into the story, it felt quite formulaic and forced - I mean, why does the reader need to know that the character is wearing three-quarter length trousers? Maybe for each character you should pick out one or two aspects to describe them and just run with that, instead of methodically describing their wardrobe. I can see why you've done this sort of thing, because description is important - but it's important to find a balance of brevity and description - describe what is important or vital to set the scene, not the entirety of the scene itself, because it risks being dull to read.
I feel like brevity is a whole is something you should flirt with a bit more, for this chapter, my favourite parts were the opening, in which you ambiguously refer to 'The Lights' and Sophie's childhood, and later, the lengthy description of Faith and how she interacts with the children. The former has brevity, the latter has lengthy description, and this is a great balance! I just feel the bit in-between is a bit bloated, there's no particular need to describe all of those events in the house (making the cupcakes, waking up after the strange event, finding their friends) because for the reader, all we're doing is following these people as they go from point A to point B, and it's not very exciting - you shouldn't be worried about jumping between significant parts because that's what we're all here for ;)
Anyway, I know I'm rambling a bit, and most of my criticism is about style, and I appreciate that you have your own style, but if maybe I can make you think a little about how you deliver the prose then I'll be glad for it :) And again, great work! I'll check out the next chapter tomorrow, and get back to you (on time haha)
| Cory of PRIVATE Corp 4/2/13 . chapter 25
Wait, I thought portals use blue and orange... hold on, there's the co-op that offers a portal gun that fires yellow and red portals, and in the commentary it does say "red portal opens." And speaking of portals, I see that forward momentum does affect how far you go out of it, or in layman's terms "speedy things goes in, speedy thing comes out." I can probably pump out Portal jokes all day if I have to.
"Innards would be a much better comparison." ... I don't want to know.
Is that how your languages classes work over there? I never took a language so I have no clue. My sister did, but I don't know about it because I never asked her.
... Why is it that when I read "lower than even Dallan's" my mind starts playing Kevin Michael Richardson's voice? And why do I imagine like a chibi April cuddling onto Frefnir like a baby koala? And speaking of April, I want to see how one does an exorcism with crayons. Beside, welcome to the club Marciel.
... Huh. Who knew Lili took the Rifftrax people seriously? I get that the series as a whole is goofy, and I get why people hate the prequels (I really don't want to sit through another Anakin/Padme scene again...), but I like it (for most of it. There are a glimmers in the prequels, but it's kinda hard to sit through them without the aid of Mike, Kevin and Bill... and Chad Vader). And you just leaned that Vader is in your dictionary? I can tell you it's not really all that surprising considering 1) the age of A New Hope, 2) it is a popular name, and 3) fan-fics...
Dallan Word Count for this Chapter: 20
| InfatuatedCritic 4/1/13 . chapter 25
["Or flesh and entrails," suggested Lilienne casually. "Innards would be a much better comparison."]
*cackles* I love you, Lilienne.
[steeling the nerves that had suddenly blossomed in his chests]
Remove the extra 's' off of 'chests'
["She was looking at out over the landscape from atop a small hillock, at something that they couldn't see.]
Take off the quotation mark at the beginning.
["or at leas that's the official Arethanist viewpoint.]
Add a 't' to 'leas'
Other then that, I don't see anything else wrong. It was nice to see Faith again though!
| Cory of PRIVATE Corp 3/28/13 . chapter 24
I guess this could be his manner of speaking, but it feels weird when I hear "..., guess who it is!" Otherwise the moment I after finished that line, my brain popped in "I'm super! Thanks for asking, All things considered, I couldn't be better I must say!" God I love today's pop culture. Wait... after reading further... man, who knew that quote fits sooo perfectly with Daste!
Emella kinda sounds like my sister a bit, despite that my sister can be good at certain points... but otherwise she can be annoying and whiny whenever she throws a fit or acting cuckoo.
... I can find another use for that carrot.
Well I guess does it for me for this chapter. I guess I don't have a lot to say other than maybe what I'm getting in terms of grammar and spelling errors (the latter being my American computer not understand British English), but otherwise I enjoyed this chapter.