|Reviews for Piercing Illusions|
| professional griefer 1/15/13 . chapter 6
One specific thing I noticed: [Adam shook his head and said "It is.] Shouldn't he have nodded...? Anyway, that's just a small thing.
I didn't like how you formatted the story that Adam told Alix, you should have kept the whole thing in quotes and used 'I' instead of Adam, as you're telling it from Adam's POV.
I do like how you got Adam's story out without making it an infodump, I thought it was a very clever way to give us information.
I laughed at the pterodactyl, you really have some random stuff in your stories.
You also had some tense shifts, and you're lacking a lot of commas. You have quite a ways to go with formatting.
Also, you put quotes around a thought, which didn't really look good. I would just use italics.
Nice job, though, I can see some improvements.
| professional griefer 12/18/12 . chapter 5
I don't like how a good deal of your speaker tags are in front of the line of dialogue for two reasons: one is that I feel like it needs some variation, it gets kind of tedious the way it is, and two is that for the majority of this chapter, there were only two people talking. If their voices were distinctive enough, you would only really need the dialogue without the tags after everything.
I also don't like how you go between the names Devon and Seven, it's confusing to me and if you stuck to one it would be nice.
One thing that I can see from the review box: [Why Terra is so obsessed me?] should probably be 'Why is Terra so obsessed with me?'. You have multiple sentences like this, where you're missing words, and it's confusing.
I didn't really care for the nature of your cliffhanger, it seemed rather cliche and it made me sigh a bit.
Overall you're getting better, but there is still progress to be made.
| hohoho 12/18/12 . chapter 1
The first sentence was bulky and unruly to me. As the first thing I read I felt it was important to note that it fell disconnected due to punctuation.
It was also slightly confusing for the king to be named the same as the planet. This might be due to a religion thing or something else that is a good reason, but several times I had to check if you were talking about the planet or the king.
When speaking of Zach: you say first that he has no special ability then a few lines later that he has a animal spirit familiar. To me that is a special ability. I might be looking at it differently, but it seemed contradictory.
Also the beginning was bland for my tastes. I felt like you were jumping all around to explain things, and not really having a good flow with a good order. You give that bit about hunting the animal, but then that's all and move on to other things that you were telling before. It was slightly frustrating to me, and I felt like you should have given a bit more about this mystery animal.
Ah so he named the planet after him. That seems very arrogant to me and gave me an instant dislike toward the king.
The dialog felt a bit stiff to me, and more like it was you trying to give more info than just two old friends talking.
Overall it was a good start to what looks like an interesting story. The few things I did note really made it harder for me to read this, but I find I want to read more. Merry Christmas!
| blueagle246 12/9/12 . chapter 1
It is certainly an interesting idea. You do way too much telling over showing and it stops me from believing in the world and characters. You also have periods where a comma or a semi colon would work much better, it causes the flow of the story to be choppy and stiff.
| TequilaMockingbird19 12/9/12 . chapter 1
I like the way you describe things on Terra. It makes my mind go on a bit of a picture painting spree. However, I'm not too sure if it's the most creative way to start the story. I was hoping for a tiny bit more eye-catching starter.
Also, it gets just a tad bit confusing along the way knowing that Terra is the name of both the planet and the king. I find it sort of inconsistent that you used names such as Adam and Zach. The setting being on a different planet and Terra having a unique name made me got me a bit disappointed when I didn't see other unique names in this chapter.
Lastly, I think you should try to minimize the usage of "Adam said" or "Zach said" because I saw a whole chunk of lines starting with those and i think character with depth can stand on their own even without or a minimized number of those phrases.
Overall, nice chapter you have there. :)
| Small Wings Flying 12/3/12 . chapter 2
[that there was no kid was without a parent] - 'no kid without a parent' or 'there was no kid without a parent'
You're missing an awful lot of commas in here, and that makes it difficult to read in one go. There are no pauses to facilitate it, nothing to say "this bit is quick and punchy" and "this bit is calmer" or anything like that; punctuation becomes very important there.
I really like the creature; it had good philosophies and its thoughts did a good job in bringing in the conflict into the first chapter. I look forward to seeing more about it.
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/2/12 . chapter 10
I like the emotion that you worked into the argument between Joanna and Seven. At times the dialogue is still a little stiff, but I think you're definitely getting better at conveying how your characters are feeling more smoothly. I do think as a whole though that this chapter was a bit dialogue heavy. I know I'm not exactly one to talk (I *adore* dialogue and tend to use a lot of it), but this entire chapter is one extended stretch of dialogue.
Some of the mistakes/typos are distracting again. They disrupt the flow, and now that November's over, you can start editing them out. :D Here's some of the ones I spotted:
["I knew some brain cells in there...] Do you mean "I knew there were some..." or "I knew you had some...?" As it is, it sounds like she met some of the brain cells and knew them as childhood friends or something; it's a little odd.
["Why do you still live with your father, He is a monster who should be put down."] Question mark after "father" not a comma.
[Seven glared daggers at her with his eyes] You really don't need the "with his eyes" - we can deduce from the fact that he's glaring in the first place that it's done with his eyes. You don't really glare with any other body parts as far as I know. :P
Er, there are more but I got lazy after that point. XD You should see if you can enlist a beta. :)
| Anihyr Moonstar 12/2/12 . chapter 9
I don't like the use of the bold to distinguish from the italics for "thoughts" during a flashback. I know I've used this method in places in my own stories in the past, but I think it looks too jarring and intend to eventually fix it for my own part. It's also very confusing when you use the bold also to distinguish between flashback and flashback "inception" if you will.
Some of the things Zach says in his opening conversation with Emily seem a little contradictory to me. For instance: ["It is my wife. She loved both Terra and I. She realized she only had lust and passion for him but not true love like my own. She knew that he was the player and still loved him. Love is blind."] First you say she loves them both, then you say she had "only" lust and passion for Terra (which implies she wasn't really in love with him, she just lusted for him but it wasn't as deep/intimate as love, but then you say again that she loved him. And then you finish with an adage. It feels a little wishy-washy to me.
I do like that the concept of loving more than one person passionately is brought up, though, and not necessarily in a condescending manner. While I don't believe that having a relationship with two people is ever fair (because it's unfair to the two people you love), I do believe that it is very possible to genuinely love two people at once, and that makes "choosing" extremely difficult. I don't think it's a concept that's addressed often in fiction so it's neat to see you tackle it.
| professional griefer 11/28/12 . chapter 4
First off, I didn't like this line: ["It sounds fine by me. I couldn't imagine that is more fun."]. I'm not sure what you meant by it, because the wording is extremely awkward. I feel like you're definitely missing a word or two.
I also didn't care for the fact that Adam tells some random little girl that he's never met before that he's a vampire, it's obvious info dumping and feels very unrealistic. I like how you tried to describe Adam without using narrative, but it seems extremely forced.
Also, I didn't like how you use Alix. She's supposed to be a little kid, but she talks like a very mature adult, it's very awkward and unrealistic.
This chapter feels stiffer than the previous ones, but I still think you're improving as a writer. You're doing well, honestly.
| Highway Unicorn 11/27/12 . chapter 2
[The king's guards were checking to make sure that there was no kid was without a parent and Seven had been lying to the guards for ten years straight...or live with the king...] The king sounds like a really awesome dude. Most of the time, kings are painted out to not really give a damn about the orphans and who lives on the streets with no parents. And to even say that the orphans could actually live with the king is something new as well. So what i'm trying to say is that I like this idea because it's unique and fresh, at least in my views. I'm not used to kings being painted out to be a nice person, as well as the kings gaurds, so I like the orginality to this aspect. :D
[Aidanna the rapist. She was Seven's current lover] OMG I love you so much right now. XD BEST TITLE FOR ANY PERSON EVAR. :D
[who wrote on the computer] OH so this is a modernized fantasy kingdom, huh? If the world has gone to the dust as you put it, why don't they use technology to over throw the king and put somebody in charge that can actually help out? And do they use technology in the war?
I like Seven; he has a likable personality and I love the 'big brother' vibe he gives off. Obviously, he's putting his sister before himself and that's an admirable quality. :D
Good chapter! :D
| professional griefer 11/25/12 . chapter 3
I don't like how many characters you're introducing, I just feel like it would be interesting enough with Seven as your main character without the POV switches.
Also, I really don't care for how you reuse your characters. I think it would be more interesting if you had new characters each time, because these characters aren't really different enough to be interesting, and I've read about them before.
One last thing: the Piercing Illusion is an infodumping machine. Every time he shows up he explains everything that's going on. I feel like it's just far too convenient, you should have your characters figure things out more often.
| professional griefer 11/23/12 . chapter 2
I don't care for the dialogue in this chapter. Last chapter it was kind of lighthearted and flowed well, but in this chapter you're back to the same kind of overexplaining and stiffness that you've used in your other works.
I like the last line, it's an awesome hook-but the only thing is, don't we know the answer to Seven's last question? He's probably the kid of someone who got scratched, so it would make sense that Piercing Illusion would call Seven his kid.
One thing I absolutely love about this piece is that you make me care. I *want* to make guesses about what's going on, you make me genuinely interested in what's going to happen next.
Really nice job. Other than the dialogue, it's doing well.
Oh, one nitpick: [I promise that you it will be quite a shock to all.] That sentence is definitely out of order.
| professional griefer 11/22/12 . chapter 1
I don't like this as a prologue, because I don't think it has enough intrigue. In my opinion, when you have a prologue, it should end in something interesting enough to make me want to read an entire story. Your last sentence *does* have the potential to do that, but it's easy to miss. Since it *is* your hook, I would put in a seperate paragraph, just to put emphasis on it.
I do like your idea though, it's pretty cool that if you get scratched your kid has powers. But why would they want to kill it? I feel like it would make more sense to put him in a cage of sorts and let him scratch people, just so the kingdom's next generation could all have powers.
I also love the name Earl Gray, the fact that you named him that shows a nice sense of humor.
Good job with this, I was impressed by your improvements over Singed.
| Anihyr Moonstar 11/21/12 . chapter 8
I like how the characters have such obviously different personalities. Matthias in particular here is so stubborn, it's amusing. I also think it's funny that Emily only had to say one thing and suddenly he calmed down and agreed with her.
["I didn't see it your way. I just used my power of deduction to realize that it was a bad idea."] This just made me facepalm. It does highlight that aforementioned stubbornness, though, so it's kind of funny.
I don't really like the flashback inception. I think one flashback at a time is enough, but one inside another just gets confusing, and the bold print is hard on the eyes to stare at for long. I think, to keep things need, it would be a better idea to try to work it so you're only dealing with one at a time.
| Persevera 11/18/12 . chapter 2
I like the introduction of Seven and that he has to be responsible for his little sister. It will make him a more mature, thoughtful character than the cocky 17 year-old someone might have otherwise written.
I don't like this section. [He had promised his mother that he would raise Alix if his father were ever to die. He was sent to war three months after Alix's birth and their mother's birth.] The sequence of events is a little confusing. I believe that should shay after Alix's birth and their mother's death...right?