I read your peer edit version a bit late so I came here to see if it was posted; I was pleased it was because I found it pretty remarkable. Your descriptions of the dissociation and scrambled thoughts are really great. I'm just a big fan of your writing style.

I thought the writing and description was excellent, it really provided an excellent image of the world you've created. The characterization was also well-done, notably on Bee.

I felt the start was not a good hook though, it really didn't feel that interesting. Personally I'd go for something that hooks the reader in a bit more rather then a simple conversation. Honestly not sure what to recommend without messing around with what you have here but it's a suggestion.

O_O I certainly wasn't expecting that to happen.

I thought the opening was a little awkward.

[Mom looks over at me, a forced smile tugging at her facial muscles.] Mostly just the use of "facial muscles". It's very technical, compared to the rest of the language.

I feel really bad about Beatrice's situation, though. She projects a certain air of one part nervousness and one part internal monologue that I find familiar and easy to relate to. Her paranoia makes me a little curious, though. I wonder if she's had a similar experience in her past, or if she's just really socially inept. I mean, on one end she said she wasn't all that great at conversations, but I wonder if she would feel the same way that she did if it were women at the table as opposed to men.

[you would think there were more women around her office.] This sentence is also kind of awkward to me. I think you could change "were" to "would be".

[Even though they are the one serving them, they do not appreciate it at all.] The pronouns here are a bit confusing.

What a greaseball that man was. I'm glad his head exploded. xD But how interesting that Beatrice should witness him exploding in such a surreal fashion. What exactly did that music do? And who is this violinist? The descriptions of her playing I thought were nice and flowed well. The premise you have for this story has a lot of potential and I'd love to read more of it. :)

please forgive my french but HOLY MOTHERFUCKING BALLSACK THAT WAS GOOD. jesus christ i want moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
now in the way of actual reviewing, there are some awkward phrasings. The part where she's talking about her favorite song playing in her head read a little weird, and a few other points have iffy phrasing. Other than that, this was excellent.

I still really like your story, but this chapter felt a bit... weird? I just had the feeling that it was moving a bit to fast. Why would Anastasia immediately ask Bee to join her, when they've only just met and talked for only a minute? And why would Bee trust Anastiasia right away (after she just witnessed her killing someone) and immediately go with her? I felt like they had to get acquainted just a bit longer. Their going off together just seemed too easy and too quick to me.
But apart from that: I still think it's a great story. Original idea, wonderfully written... I can't wait for an update :)

Wow! Simply wow! Your descriptions are just beautiful. The way you characterize Bee... this is absolutely great! There was only one part that I thought was a bit... well, it wasn' bad or anything, just not as great as the rest, and that was the ending. After "And then the music stops". Up until then your descriptions were so beautiful, it was funny, but then all of a sudden it's a bit hurried, like you wanted to end this chapter quickly. But apart from that: I absolutely loved it. I certainly want to read more.

I've read this before, but this time I'm actually going to review it.

Firstly, I'm just going to say that I really don't like first-person present. It feels awkward to me. /However/, it can be a /very/ good way to stress someone's emotional state. So take that with a grain of salt, I guess. What I mean to say with this is I'm going to try to be as fair reviewing as I can, but since I'm not a first-person present kind of girl, that might make things seem more negative than they would be otherwise. I'll try to avoid that, though.

[...a forced smile tugging at her facial muscles.]
This, to me, sounds really weird. I'll reserve final judgement on this until I know more about the character (it's been a while).

[Not that I am suggesting that I'm beautiful enough to draw in old perverted men, but to me, it doesn't seem like perverted old men really care if you're beautiful or not.]
I think this is when I really started liking this the first time I read it. The way you pull the reader into the mindset of the character is brilliantly done. Love it.

[...cloth napkin on the ground of the really expensive restaurant.]
I don't like this sentence. For one thing, nit-picky me says it should be "floor," not "ground." Another thing, I don't like how you're pulling in the setting this way. I'm not sure how to word what I'm thinking. It just feels awkward to me.

[...there is another one invading me from across the table.]
The use of "me" instead of "it" or "my space" here is excellent. It hit me really hard, how violated this makes B feel. And such a simple thing! Great choice.

I absolutely love the depiction of B's state of mind. It is so well done. I don't even know what to say. It just resonates with me so well. And the use of both long, rambly and short, syncopated sentences always compliments the statements themselves.

Oh. Just oh. I'm loving this so much.

[...I'm about to clamp my ears over my hands to drown him out...]
I am hoping so much that that slip was made on purpose, because if it was it's an /excellent/ use of a character's state of mind influencing the narration itself. But if it was an accident? Keep it :D

[...her mouth muscles probably aching...]
Okay, ignore the thing I said before about mouth muscles. Now it works.

I am loving B's state of mine. It is just so well written. Like this bit about God and evil right here. I can't even...

[...but the price and the amount are really killing my appetite.]
"Portion" should probably be used instead of "amount."

[That way, no one gets hurt and there's no one to blame because it will be perfect.]
Oh my God, I didn't catch that the first time. That was brilliant.

[...playing my favorite song in my head at the moment, the lyrics screaming and bouncing around in my head.]
There isn't necessarily anything wrong with this, exactly, but it makes me feel a little off-balance to have the same phrase like that so close to each other. But you're not in the business of making me comfortable.

[Sometimes I feel really weird, but other times I feel like I'm the only normal person in the whole world.]

[He wants to be lotion.]
Oh my God, the use of this metaphor is amazing. Seriously. Great stuff.

You make me say "oh my God" a lot XD

Maybe you could go on about B's envy of the violinist a little more. Not necessary, but it seemed a little abrupt for me.

Your description of the music is really quite excellent. I'm not really sure what to say about it other than I would probably rather read your writing than listen to what you're describing.

[..trying to empty his body of any fluids that could have once kept him alive.]
:D

The writing at the end here is a little stumbling. I know how it can be when you get to the end of a scene and it's like Woo I'm almost done! and you get a little looser with what works. Or maybe it's just because B's state of mind is no longer the focus of the narration, as it had been before. It just feels different to me, a little out of key (ha, music pun). So while this part is still good, I think it could be made excellent with just a little sprinkling of B's signature psyche. If I'm making sense.

Now for overall stuff.
I loved it. I loved it the first time and I love it now. The immersion into the character's mind you've created with this first chapter is just...I don't even know what to say. It's awesome. You're awesome :D

I've seen some of the other reviews on here, and there are a couple things they said you shouldn't listen to. Like things about run on sentences, or sentence fragments, things like that. That's all style, don't listen to them. One could even say you're above such things.

Usually I think of reviewing as seeing the story as a growing experience, and giving the writer advice on how to grow further. But I don't even know how to do that here! You're too good for it. You just have to find your own way to grow. When I imagine what your writing will be like once you have had an opportunity to grow, to develop into the author you'll be...

Well, that'll be something, won't it?

CC time. :D

["He looks like he enjoys that."] I think 'enjoys' would be 'enjoyed' in this case, because the pervy little action happened a second ago, or in the past.

["It's like believing in fate, and believing in fate is like believing in God, and believing in God is like thinking that someone is in control of this, and if someone is in control of this, why aren't they helping me?"]
I don't entirely know here, but I think you could use a semi-colon in place of the comma 'and' somewhere. I'd put it between the first and second 'and' though, if I'm correct about this.

["He seems like a filthy person, I don't know why"] You need to put 'and' after the comma to make this a nice, pretty sentence.

What I also noticed is that you like to put incomplete thoughts that would go better with another sentence by themselves. A few are okie, in my opinion, since they aren't too important, or they're adding to Beatrice's anxiety. But there are a few that makes the story's flow look slightly awkward, and those would go better with something connecting them to another sentence or making them more like a complete thought.

End CC, because that's all I feel like mentioning. 0D

My mind is blown, Twin. It's absolutely bloooown. There are so many mysteries that I have to solve and and and and. -

But, ah. Back from fangirling. :D

Great job with this! There are a few really tiny details that I didn't knit-pick in the story, but I didn't feel like making this review extremely long, so. :'D I MUST READ THE NEXT CHAPTERRRRRR.

[But, how come I feel somehow guilty for his death?] No need for the comma after "but."

["You don't have to. You can just stay in this evil world and not do anything about it. Don't worry, everyone does nothing. But, it doesn't mean its right."] Again, you don't need the comma after "but." You missed an apostrophe in "it's."

[Before I can think about what I might be saying, or what these girls' words might suggest about her] Did you mean "this girl's"? Because "these girls'" doesn't really make sense.

[I enthusiastically blurt out, "Yes! I'll go with you!" She seems proud of my decision, and nods a couple of times with a little smile on her lips. I can't help grinning back also. If she is the music, I want to be friends with her.] You should start a new paragraph after the "She seems proud..." etc.

It's an update! Since I'm done with all the criticizing (I know, it was a lot, and I need to chill), it's time for the actual review to begin.

It kind of feels like Anastasia went a little bit too fast, asking Bee to join her. It all happens so suddenly that if, say, a reader spaced out for about a second, he or she wouldn't catch that. Why would Anastasia trust Bee? Why would Bee trust Anastasia? It all seems a bit sudden.

I'm looking forward to reading more chapters of this. Did you finish it for NaNo, or is it not done yet?

I don't know if you're planning on updating this, or if it's meant as just a oneshot, but it's really good so far! I don't usually even read horror, but the summary had me hooked and I couldn't resist taking a look at this. I'm glad I did :)

Keep up the fantastic work!

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I love the humor in this. There are so many little parts where I chuckled or grinned - I know I pointed out this quote before, but it's one of my favorites: ["Mm-hmm, fine choice." Something tells me that he would say that even if I asked for something repulsive like seaweed, cheese, and nail clippings.]

I also think you do a really good job portraying Bee's paranoia and making her into a distinct character without ever messing with realism. Her interactions and suspicions, while more exaggerated than normal, yes, are still very believable.

My biggest complaint so far (and I'm fairly sure this is just 'cause it's nano) is that there are a lot of places where it feels like you're sort of just rewording the previous comment and restating yourself. And some spelling/grammar errors, but those can wait 'til after NaNo. :P

- Moonstar

[I shift in my seat when the man next to me seems to "accidentally" drop his cloth napkin on the ground of the really expensive restaurant] drops, not drop.

[The easy dinner chatter resumed while I was freaking out about the invasion of personal space] You suddenly changed tenses there. Should be "resumes" and "while I freak out".

[The waiter is still standing there even after he handed everyone] hands, not handed.

[Even though they are the one serving them, they do not appreciate it at all. ] ones, not one. I think you meant "don't get appreciated".

Whoa there. Well, it's good that Walter is dead...I think. He's just a weird old pedophile O.O... I really hate pedos.

LOL. Nice story, though. You were pretty descriptive, maybe a little over-descriptive. There was a whole lot of worrying about old guys, and I'm surprise someone would grope her in public.

I noticed that you put this under the genre of Romance, Horror, and Supernatural. Where's the romance gonna come in? I'm curious :P