|Reviews for Book I: Apoptosis|
| TequilaMockingbird19 1/3/13 . chapter 3
Wow, you seriously take me to a new world when I read your story. I think that your images are clear and the way you describe things really brings me to your setting. I think the things about the snake and the birds were very well researched and I really have a thing for well researched stories!
The detail, though quite vivid dragged a bit here and there and I started to just scan through some parts instead of reading them thoroughly but the ending... Wow, another cliff hanger. I love cliff hangers and I'm totally excited to read the next chapter.
| Luckycool9 12/31/12 . chapter 2
I liked how the grandmother is telling her grandson a story about her youth because it shows how close the two characters are and the tragedy of the main characters life. I disliked that at one point the story repeated itself because it threw off the flow for a while and confused me.
| XxCliche-SpicexX 12/31/12 . chapter 1
The opening is intriguing. The description really paints a vivid picture.
"It was small; a child presumably, female judging from the shape". - May just be me, but I always thought a children, male or female, look the same. Within this paragraph and the next I feel the word form is used a little too often.
Over all it was a great first chapter, I'm very interested in reading more.
| professional griefer 12/30/12 . chapter 5
I really liked the body-burning ceremony, even though it's rather traditional, I thought that you gave the world a bit more flavor and texture by including it.
I also really liked the conversation between Col and his grandmother, you characterize them both really well from their styles of speech, and you got me so invested in the conversation that I was sad when it was over. (which also could have been the fact that she's gonna die, lol)
And I liked that this chapter seems more economic with its usage of words, you toned things down nicely, and you still managed to have gorgeous descriptions.
All around, this is a really awesome chapter!
| Lloyd Dostya 12/21/12 . chapter 3
This is for the Prologue but it will not allow me to post it.
I like this story because of how it flows. I like this story because of how it paints a picture in my head while I read. I dislike some of the character deaths why because they did not even have a chance to fight back. I dislike the assassin because of the way he thinks typically assassins are pretty cold in personality
| Ark Kuchiki 12/21/12 . chapter 1
Sorry about guest review Internet problems. I like this story because of how it flows. I like this story because of how it paints a picture in my head while I read
| Lloyd Dostya 12/20/12 . chapter 1
I like story because of its constant flow.
I like how the story paints a picture in my head.
I enjoy the idea.
And just to say I prefer story's with POV's (Point Of View) Please disregard if you don't care
| Flame Within Ice 12/19/12 . chapter 1
Amazing opening sentence. Actually, the whole prologue is really good. Questions immediately come up-who is the priestess? who is this person that's trying to kill her and take her soul? These prompt the reader to keep reading so these questions will be answered. I love the aura of intrigue you've set up with this beginning. In addition, you've done an excellent job characterizing the visitor.
| TequilaMockingbird19 12/19/12 . chapter 2
Generally, I think this is a nice chapter since it gives me a good view of how Col's village life is.
Okay, technical errors were here and there. Typos probably (?) that may have distracted me just a tiny bit.
[Obtaining the reeds were easy...] I think it's supposed to be a 'was' and not 'were'
[He deposited the pile, then groaned at the pile of baskets...] The word 'pile' seemed a bit redundant here.
[then fell to the crisp grass, riding a non-existent ...over the crisp grass to the stream once more.]
'Crisp grass' seemed a bit redundant here too.
Also, I think that your use of apostrophes instead of quotation marks was a bit distracting.
But over all, I think the image was clear, the dialogues were good. I suppose a bit of revisions and cleaning up the typos will be good.
| Secret Santa 12/19/12 . chapter 1
Yes, your magnificent, marvelous Secret Santa has arrived to spread review love to you this holiday season!
I shall get the mechanical stuff out of the way first, I do believe. You open this piece with some wonderful description, and carry that throughout. However, I get the sense that the first few paragraphs have TOO much description, as though you were thinking "I have to get this in, so I'll do it now and not have to deal with it again." From a reader's standpoint, the story is much more interesting and engaging when little things like the physical description you mentioned are littered throughout.
There are some instances where I think you're using the wrong terms to convey what you mean, for example "Stubbornness oozed from her soul", "dilated and accommodating nothing", and "she persevered stoutly" to name a couple. While I can sorta see what you're trying to get across, the word choices are a little awkward and not entirely suited to the situation.
The Necromancer seems very competent and calculating, certainly very intelligent and well versed in his magic. But at times, he seems a little too cliched as a villain, mostly in his dialogue and inner monologue. Sometimes, this works for characters (especially the ones that are very dramatic and theatrical), and obviously my exposure to him is brief. But just know that if this is not the effect you are going for, be careful.
Finally, I must compliment you on your schools of magic. Many readers of fantasy are familiar with the white and black magic schools, or at least incarnations of it. Holy power vs. unholy power has been done time and again, because it works. But you've included the red magic, the life force. That's very compelling, and not something I can recall being done before. It's certainly piqued my interest.
Who knows? Perhaps I'll come back and continue reading this when the holidays are over? And now, I must take my leave. Happy holidays!
| Ark Kuchiki 12/19/12 . chapter 1
Ok sorry about being signed in as a guest my internet is acting guffy and i can't sign in with my phone so here it is. Can't see anything wrong with grammar or flow. I enjoyed this story do to how the idea is clearly written. I enjoy this story on how it puts a clear image in the readers head.
| Xephia 12/18/12 . chapter 1
Wow, your imagery is excellent! I love how descriptive you are without hindering the pace, which is a difficult thing to master. There were a couple of cases where I felt the descriptions were unnecessary, but they were few and far between.
There were a few editing mishaps, however. I believe "The smirked widened" should be "The smirk widened", and you overuse and misuse the semicolon occasionally (something I used to do a lot).
I also feel as though the ending paragraph could have been a little more powerful, but I'm not quite sure how to explain that one.
| hohoho 12/18/12 . chapter 1
This had my interest right away with the opening, but then the smaller form and larger form kind threw me off as it didn't really flow, and I had to stop to puzzle out what you meant. my first way through this I thought that the use of the 'single' meant thoughts, and it was only later when you actually said that the visitor spoke that I realized it was actually aloud! Then I had to go back and reread again because the whole time I thought he was thinking to himself, and the battle was largely quiet.
The ending was done very well, and once I reread knowing the speech was speech I found this really enjoyable. I look forward to reading more
| Argentum Vir 12/18/12 . chapter 3
This is a much better chapter. Though I have a beef with the opening sentence (it drags on much too long and it's a bit confusing), the rest of the chapter is wonderful. The end is especially good. The short sentence carries a note of finality and it really stands out among the other long winded descriptions you tend to have going on.
This chapter didn't suffer from the same problems of descriptive prose as your last one did. The words flow really well and I didn't feel a sensory overload from the things you describe. Overall you did a great job with this one.
The only problem this one suffers from is the slow pacing. Again I felt the chapter putting me to sleep (maybe not the best story to review at 3 A.M. but whatever). I hope you have a bit more action in the coming chapters.
| Argentum Vir 12/18/12 . chapter 2
In this chapter there's quite a few differences from the first. One is the beginning hook. It's almost non-existent. Which is what I expected. At this point the quick and descriptive action of the prologue has been discarded for a slower paced storytelling. It isn't bad, but some people may feel as though there isn't much reason to continue.
The end of this chapter is also lacking a hook. Though it does make me wonder why his grandmother avoided the question which the end of a chapter is supposed to do.
Your descriptive writing style always seems to get in the way. I have many a friend who likes to describe every little thing as you do. While it serves as a decent way to keep the imagery in the reader's mind, it also slows the chapter's pacing to a crawl. Since this is your style, I'm not going to tell you to change it, just advise you to find a better way to arrange the words to flow better.
As for the relationship between his grandmother and himself, it reminds me a lot of how my grandparents and I used to interact. I like the feeling of nostalgia it brings.