Hmmm this is quite good so far. I'm enjoying it and the characters, though I do have to say, I'd suggest looking for a beta to help out. Some parts of the story are confusing, though if I re-read it, can get it. I'd just suggest havin someone to help with the flow of the story. It's very good though, I look forward to more :)

Wolfy

Your imagination is great and the idea behind the story is captivating but no offense you dont really have a very developed style of writing yet and all the sentences look like the previous one, its really repetitive, you have to show not tell the reader what is happening! Hope it helps :)

Wow

HOLY CRAP. PUBLISH THIS.
YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION.
I'm surprised I even stopped reading long enough to type this. That's how good it is. Only 2 chapters in and you're on a role! :)

Suspenseful ending for this chapter, well done!

Interesting chapter.

Good chapter but Lance never introduced himself as Lance... :)

Good first chapter, one thing I caught was that in the first paragraph it says 'swear swords', my sure if that was intentional or not!