Another chapter comprised of sentence and mostly dialogue. When your dialogue overpowers your description by word count, there needs to be a balance of description and dialogue.

However, from what I gathered, your characters are comical and they have interesting interactions. This story has a lot of potential that is waiting to be brought out. I believe that you can cultivate it over time. In theory, it's not a bad story but it does need some work. Your characters are likable, even Owen is more likable here than he was in your original version.

Keep on improving and expanding your ideas.

There are some minor spelling mistakes in this chapter, and most of it was comprised of single sentences rather than paragraphs. I think it suffered from lack of more description.

Other than that, it was an interesting moment between the characters. It's definitely a nice alternative to your original version and it's better written out like this but it still needs some work.

There is still a lack of character description that is only equivalent to basic description. In order for readers to get a clear image of your characters, they must be described more than just laying down the basics. What color hair do they have? Is it long, shot, mid-length? Wavy, curly or straight? Do they have a skin tone? Style of clothes? Striking feature? These are all questions that you can ask yourself as a writer in order to compile more of a description.

Other than that, the story so far is fairly interesting. I like the mystical feel of it and your characters seem a little more developed despite their lack of description.

This is actually a big improvement over your "Owen (Original Version)" story. However, a lot of your words are repetitive and your sentences are mere fragments that would better be suited just separating with commas rather than trying to make stand alone sentences of their own.

You also have some misspellings that Microsoft Word or any other spell checker could easily adjust. Also, if you're looking for diversity in your choice of verbiage than you could always use an online thesaurus or search for synonyms of words you feel that you repeat too much.

I find that this story is better than the last one I read. I like that you have more feeling from your point of view, but you still lack character description. Also, this story seems darker themed as well. I do see an improvement in your writing, and it seems like you're on the right path.

Hmm... the writing here is very jumpy, there's little transition between actions. I would like to have more detail of the character's surroundings. This is first person, so of course you'll be writing 'I' a lot, but I think you could cut a lot of the 'I's' out so it's not so repetitive. Here's some areas of examples:

[I woke and shot up holy shit! I was drenched with sweat, a cold feeling rushed through me.]

You could rewrite it to something like: [I woke and shot up. Holy shit! My shaking hand ran over my torso, feeling it drenched with sweat, a cold shiver raced up my spine.]

I changed more than the 'I' to give another example of how I think you could add more description to actions instead of just his basic actions. Hope that makes some sense. Also, when you write his thoughts, there should be punctuation before them. Sometimes you blend the narration right into the italicized thoughts, you should have at least a comma before them otherwise it reads a little abrupt.

I honestly think you should take out the section about playing the game. Most of it was an info dump and that info was not necessary at all. I have a feeling the part about the fantasy game might be relevant to the story so perhaps that part could stay, but the narration about playing with people online and how they play was really unnecessary. You could sum that up in a few sentences instead of having a whole paragraph about it.

I did like the action with the air distortion, I thought that was a nice section with good detail with the giant thing? Lol wasn't sure what he was.

Some things to look at:

[I saw the silver blade in front of me, covered in blood, my blood. It pulled back and I felt it pull out. It didn't hurt but I could no longer breath.] This part is a little repetitive with the 'pull' and I don't think it shows exactly what you're wanting it to show. So, I'll give an example of how it could be rewriting:

[My eyes trailed down my chest, locking on the blade protruding from my torso, shining with blood, my blood. I felt it pull, and watched it disappear back into my skin. It didn't hurt, but I could no longer breath.] - But, that's just a suggestion, you don't have to.

[ ...guys who know {infanant} combos...] - should be 'Infinite'

[I have no other {compotition} other than online...] - Should be 'competition'

[My eyes went wide {fuck! I'm going to die!}] - This should be it's own sentence. I'd also watch out with cursing, there's nothing wrong with it, but here I see it used in the beginning of a lot of his thoughts, again, repetitive.

[I couldn't breath for a few seconds while it Bashed me through the wall behind me.] - 'bashed' shouldn't be capitalized.

["No, it can't be{,}" {a}nother similar humanoid joined her,...] - That comma should be a period since it's followed by an action tag, and 'another' should be capitalized, again since it's an action tag.

You should also watch out for using slang in narration, he said 'super awesome, and sucky, and sucks. Try and keep that kind of slang in thoughts and dialogue, not narration. And spell out 'Ya' to 'Yeah' in narration, in dialogue it's okay to spell it 'Ya'.

I've noticed alot of sentence fragments. Mostly like you forgot to use punctuation. I've also noticed alot of spelling errors. This story could use a good thorough rereading and editing. Maybe ask a beta to comb through it to catch some of the mistakes you can't.
Overall the story is good. It flows good and doesn't seem disjointed, even though it is broken up. The character seems well-developed.

Paragraph one, sentence two: misspelled ‘terrible’
Paragraph one, sentence three: ‘A dead thing lay in front of me’ would fit better as ‘A dead thing laid in front of me.’
Paragraph one, sentence seven: ‘Now, it lay here, blood all over her, torn up and corpse rotting away already.’ Would fit better as ‘Now, it laid here, blood all over her torn up corpse, rotting away already.’

And that's just the first paragraph. I'd go back and check the grammar and spelling. I was so caught up in the grammatical errors that I didn't even get to read or review the story itself. (Then Prolix went to find a bagel . . .)

This is so much better, holy shit! Nice job with the descriptions, and I liked how you hinted about another world of some kind, then had the sword-bearing guys make their entrance at the end. A fair number of punctuation and grammar mistakes, I would suggest reading over every sentence you do before you go on to the next one. But that's not a big deal- still pretty interesting. A lot more grown-up than the other one, I liked that, too.
It's easy enough to follow, just pay attention to those stupid commas! :P

This is interesting! I've got some questions, but that's fine, because it's only the second chapter. At some points, I think, I got a bit confused. I don't get the last sentence of the second chapter, and I'm wondering where they are exactly. Other than that, great writing!
Bluesparks