|Reviews for The Astral Chronicle - Volume One|
| Adrenalin 3/28/13 . chapter 2
Oh damn... I accidentally posted my review for chapter 1 before it was finished. I meant to say that the Astral was also interesting, and that I liked your worldbuilding. I think you're putting too many things in that first chapter too: too many PoVs, too much information, too many events... A fast pace is good, but don't go too fast or your readers will feel overwhelmed.
About chapter 2 now:
I think you rely too much on dialog - while it keeps a certain dynamic flowing, I think you should describe your characters' actions and the settings more, so the reader can form a mental image. Imagining a world is half the pleasure in reading fantasy. Get into your characters' heads, let us see what they're thinking and how they relate to each other and their environment.
I don't know if you're going to have that much action in every chapter, but if you do: it's too much, too fast. You should take some time to build the dynamics between your characters, present some of your world bit by bit, etc... Here, it's barely chapter 2 and we're thrown into another world, a different one from the world your characters evolve in most of the time, and the characters are immediatly taken hostages by lizardmen that want to kill them. There's no build up, so we don't feel the tension, and it's resolved into this very chapter. It doesn't make for good conflict - it's the sort of things that would work better in an anime for example.
For me, a better way to organise the beginning of your story would be to keep the events in your first chapter and everything in this chapter except for the parts concerning the lizardmen, add some quality interactions between your cast (Maria could be more curious about Fiona's past - they're both women, on a ship, it wouldn't even sound strange, and showing Fiona's reluctance at answering Maria's questions, or how she avoids the subject, would let us know a lot about both of them), even the chapters out and I think you'll have a great beginning.
Of course, those are just suggestions.
I appreciate that you might not enjoy my reviews because of the critical aspect. If so, I don't want to bother you with more, so I'll leave it at that for now and wait for your answer.
| Adrenalin 3/28/13 . chapter 1
Your beginning is interesting, but I don't see the point of witholding Fiona's name for so long, especially since we're reading the events from her perspective. It feels unnecessarily mysterious, and I think you should just call her Fiona instead of "the woman" right from the start.
The scene where Adrian leads her to her room felt unnecessary to me, I don't think it adds anything to the chapter. I'd suggest deleting it.
You do a good job making the Captain such a mysterious character, I enjoyed that. I'm wondering what secrets he's hiding.
Stark is very interesting too, but why didn't you describe him? You said he looked like "some god had taken a wolf and fitted it over a human frame", but what does that mean exactly, physically? Does he have a wolf's ears and tail? Fur? Sharp teeth? Yellow eyes? Etc... The concept of great animals is great, exploit it more.
Kudos on the flying ship and the
| Swallow-tailed Kite 1/6/13 . chapter 20
Loved your descriptions and characterizations. There were some errors here and there, which I'll point out a later time when it's not so close to midnight.
| Shadawn 12/31/12 . chapter 1
It's a shame this doesn't have a review! Well, here I go! This was certainly more interesting than all those generic teenage fantasy stories that plague the front page! I will definately be following this story.