You managed to capture attention right at the very start, and keep the tension up throughout. So, firstly, great job on that. The only suggestion I have, really, is try not to jump around so much. Near the start, with everything going on, I found it difficult in places to keep up with exactly what was happening. Just slow down a tad the give the reader a bit of breathing room. Anyway, great implications near the end and I like how you're conveying the situation through the dialogue of the characters; nothing feels too much like it's being said explicitly for the reader. For the most part, it feels natural.
[With his mouth, Radcliffe said,] Don't need the 'with his mouth' - how else would he say anything?
Good stuff, and I really hope to see more.

A very interesting story with a nice opening. The story itself is very realistic. I can't help but wonder if this "Standish" is a reference to the current jackass who inhabits the White House, since they share the same fandom with the American people. Towards the endo of the chapter, I couldn't help but laugh when I read "With his mouth, Radcliffe said..." I have a feeling you did that on purpose. lol

First of all, you use a lot of real world information that is accurate, so good on ya. The descriptions, dialogue and characters are all very solid. I could not find any obvious mistakes. The only problem I had is that you jumped around quite a bit, very quickly. It just might be me, and I am a little bit of a hypocrite in saying this.
All and all,great chapter and I look forward to more.

Zip-tied, black-bagged, and gagged, the package was delivered to a warehouse on the outskirts of the city***great line - I could visualize the whole scene right there!

This story is refreshingly different and well written.

As far as grammar goes I use this method. A very good writer told me once, if the story is captivating and interesting, screw the grammar.

I'm looking forward to more chapters.

Excellent writing.

Not T, more like A.

I like the way you open this. As a reader with a disappointingly short attention span, I appreciate stories that dive into the action as quickly as possible - not sloppily, but in ways that benefit the story - and you certainly don't waste any time fooling around. Your first sentence already tells us that a high-intensity situation is going on.

And from the first sentence on, the tension doesn't let up. I'm impressed that you feed us (the readers) a lot of details without ever bogging it down. I personally have an issue, I know, with being too detail happy - my sentences get long and out of control too quickly - but you manage to keep the prose neat and clean without ever seeming to detract from the style or readability.

Also, while I know nothing of the military or actual terminology/procedures relating to the situation you laid out in this first chapter, I have to say it *sounded* very believable. It reminded me of an opening to an action/spy movie. Very fast paced, but professional. The dialogue especially seemed spot on for mostly the entire way.

I will say every now and then my lack of familiarity with the terminology did cause me to not know exactly what was going on, but I don't think you lay it on so thick that the gidst of it isn't understandable. A nice balance most of the time.

I'm surprised not to have any critique this time around; you honestly held my attention start to finish, and delivered your opening very strongly. This promises to be a great piece if you keep at it. Very nice start.

- Moonstar

P.S. Found you through Roadhouse. :)

This is amazingly well-written. I'm not really the right person to criticize grammar, but this thing is really keeping me on motion. The characters seem realistic, everything that's happening is realistic too.

I am actually kind of ashamed. I'm currently working on a story about 2300 NYC and some kids tryin' to overthrow the government. I have absolutely no such knowledge in everything as you do, and my story in the end will be kinda crappy.

No matter about that, I adore what you have written. Keep on going and don't lose muse, I wan't to see what happens next with Tommy and the military!

I am really loving the implications suggested by Martinez near the end of the chapter. It's going to be a great set-up for the coming story, and I am looking forward to seeing how Martinez shapes up in the plot. Aside for the redundant sentence, "With his mouth, Radcliffe said"; I didn't see any other glaring grammar mistakes. You definitely have a great intro here, and I can't wait to see it fully realized.

The only problem I THINK I can see is the "With his mouth, Radcliffe said..." Isn't that first detail unnecessary? I mean, we know he'll speak WITH his mouth and all, but maybe you meant to throw in something else there, I don't know -shrugs- Happens to me plenty of times, but just thought I'd mention it.

Other than that, I'm actually REALLY diggin' this! I haven't read anything of this genre since high school when I first read some Tom Clancy stuff and I usually stick to fantasy, so real-world stuff like this is rare for me. This looks pretty solid and well-executed and I can tell that you put a lot of effort and time researching some of this material to get a good grasp on how things would go down.

Keep up the good work! I'm definitely gonna follow this and see where it goes!