|Reviews for A Murder And A Kiss|
| Lynn K. Hollander 3/25/13 . chapter 2
"Cole, I do not want to marry." she said quietly, & "Cathy, you had better sit down before you fall down." Cole admonished, -Dialogue tags have a standard form: "Look at Spike(COMMA), said Jane. Using a period immediately before the 'who said it' part leaves it dangling alone as a sentence fragment: she said quietly & Cole admonished.
Interjections, such as direct address and 'well' are set off with commas: 'What happened(COMMA), Uncle?' & "Yes(COMMA), Aunt." & Well(COMMA), dare I say(COMMA), rubbish! -and so forth. Lots of missing commas.
This is a different problem: They would be utterly ruined if the world knew that they were cursed with gifts. -apparently the illness that changed the children happened some years ago. Cole has gone off to school, Cathy has had governesses and, no doubt, household staff. They are not new to hiding their differences. The discussion starting with: "Cole, I do not want to marry."(sic) she said quietly, and continuing down to '...We have to do something!" he was frantic with worry(sic) is an info dump for the reader. The children already know all this and there is no reason for them to be discussing their problems in public. This simply does not ring true. I realize it's a plot point, but it's not convincing. There is no expectation of privacy at a ball.
| reireitan 3/11/13 . chapter 15
Oh come back soon! I really wanna know what happens!
I didnt expect Cathy to agree to the marriage actually.
| Miggles 2/24/13 . chapter 15
I love the way you write intimate scenes, and the whole thing is really well-written. :)
However, I feel that the story needs a bit more proofreading for clarity; I noticed some missing words and punctuation. I also feel that Cathy and Nathan's engagement is a little rushed - maybe add a little more build up.
Sorry for the huuuuge delay! Update soon. :D xx
| Eponine Sparrow 1/14/13 . chapter 12
This is very creative! :)
| bethyboo 1/8/13 . chapter 10
Wow! You have me hooked! A fantastic story line, 3-dimensional characters and a romance which seems to constantly be in question. LOVE it! Write more soon please.
| Miggles 12/27/12 . chapter 9
Glad to help Fading-Scream :D Loving your story btw :)
I think you've said 'grand' too many times in the first paragraph, and I think you mean nearby, instead of 'sat nearly'. Also, I think you mean looked past her, not 'looked passed her'. :)
AHHH so dramatic! UPDATE! I must know what happened :(
| Miggles 12/26/12 . chapter 8
Another tantalising chapter! Update soon! :D
| Miggles 12/25/12 . chapter 7
'I would have ceremoniously stuffed' - not sure how you can do this ceremoniously, would probably make more sense as unceremoniously :)
And, I think you mean 'He kissed me', not 'He kisses me'.
Other than that, another awesome chapter, but I still have no real idea who killed Charlotte, except I don't like Sir Graham. Great kiss scene though - very powerful. :D
| Miggles 12/24/12 . chapter 6
As requested, here's what I picked up on;
'a bonnet tough' - though
'flowers of all shape, size and colour' - shapes, sizes and colours
'without having to include Cole into the conversation constantly' - I think it will sound better as without having to constantly include Cole in the conversation
'a decision she immediately regretted' - I know what you mean, but it makes it sound like Cathy wanted to be 'fumbled' with :S
'as images of her spread out on the grass' - do you mean her spread out on the grass, or the images spread out on the grass? I think this can be made clearer
'shoulders, pushing her hands' - took me a while to get my head around this one; I think you mean she pushes him away? It just sounds odd, that's all. Instead, you could try 'around her shoulders. She pushed against him'
'your aunt is looking for you." Someone said' - 'your aunt is looking for you," someone said'
'site of your chaperone can only lead to ruin, bare' - sight and bear
It seems like you've said 'Sir Graham' far too many times in this short section - try varying what you call him, like use 'he' or 'the man' or just 'Graham', or try introducing his first name, to get some variation
'I'm certain that you would have certainly' - too many certains!
'gossips' - I think it would be clearer if you said gossip - the thing - or gossipers - the people
'without you even engaging in anything nearly scandalous' - sounds a little odd; try either 'without you engaging in anything scandalous', or 'without even engaging in anything scandalous', or even 'without you engaging in anything nearly as scandalous'
'holding his shirt to his arms' - you don't need 'his shirt', just an 'it' - you already told us a couple of words earlier you were talking about his shirt :)
'made him look intriguing' - would sound better without the 'look'
'In which way?' - sounds better as 'In what way'
'remained in him' - 'remained on him'
Really good still! :)
| Miggles 12/19/12 . chapter 5
Love it, love it, love it! Eeeeep! Can't wait, moving on swiftly to chapter 6! :D
| Miggles 12/19/12 . chapter 4
Still really good - looking forwards to the next chapter. There are one or two spelling errors, but on the whole, really well written. :)
| Miggles 12/19/12 . chapter 3
Still good - there aren't spelling errors per se, more like confusing parts where different words oculd be used to greater effect. I'm also becoming confused with the may different characters with fancy names, especially ones that were mentioned in passing, and I'm struggling to keep track of family ties. I think I'll get over this as I read more, but I would encourage you to keep characters to a minimum at the beginning, especially ones with long and confusing names, and gradually introduce them or build them up over several chapters. I forgot who Rushford was for example, and when he burst into the study I thought it was the butler, and wondered why he was being so rude! :)
Otherwise superb, and I love the twist you've given the twins, rather than falling back on the age-old vampires or wizards etc...
:) Read more later!
| Miggles 12/17/12 . chapter 2
Loving this chapter :D but I think you said almost the exact same thing in the last chapter; 'the cut of his grey coat was of the latest fashion and his cravat was tied so intricately' - just feels too similar really. :S
You've mentioned this in the previous chapter too; 'ton season' or 'ton' - i don't understand what this means. Is it an American expression? :S
There are a few very minor spelling mistakes, like an 'every' instead of 'very' etc...
I think you need to build up the nreaking of the news of Charlotte - it seems very rushed; wouldn't Cole and Cathy have been more careful and checked the shadows before talking like that? Maybe Charlotte came across them in the middle of the sentence, and only half-heard their secrets? Then she'd still know enough to use it against them, but would make it more realistic. :)
You also seem to repeat 'thought' or 'thoughts' a lot when the scream comes from the card room, and instead of 'harboured her escape' I think it'll make more sense as 'hindered her escape', or something similar
I also feel that when Cathy wants to stay behind, her uncle might have made more of a fuss for her to go, seeing as she had almost fainted.
Apart from those minor things, and they are minor, I'm just being picky, REALLY GOOD! :D :D
| Miggles 12/17/12 . chapter 1
A really good opening - love the description of Nathaniel; it really builds him up as a character without giving too much away.
However, I've noticed that there's a little bit of repetition once or twice - it just stops the flow of the story, that's all. Things like - 'frequently lit up with humour, had frequently saved Nathan's wretched hide' etc..
Apart from that, it's really nice to find someone who's proofread their work for spelling and grammar!
Going onto the next chapter now. :)
| NeverShoutNever2013 12/16/12 . chapter 1
I only read about a paragraph and a half, but I was hooked. Please update!