This was an interesting beginning, but rather unclear in parts. There are a couple of run-on sentences, and several places where I wasn't sure what was happening. I think if you spend a bit more time on exposition at the beginning, it would help. You don't have to immediately tell the reader where Greg is driving to, but talking a bit more about where he's coming from, and where he is when we're dropped into the story would be good.

The first sentence is especially confusing. You mention October crawling towards the border with Arkansas, and you mention a place called Bellwood Parish. However, the reader is left not knowing whether Bellwood Parish is in Arkansas or a state bordering Arkansas. We're also not told /which/ border of Arkansas October is creeping towards. The whole idea of October creeping towards the border of a state is a bit odd in itself, as well. It might work better if you mentioned October creeping across Arkansas, and then talked about the bus careening along the interstate towards whichever border you meant in the next sentence. Taking a bit of time to clean up parts like this could do a lot of good for your story.

I was also left a bit confused about how a bunch of mentally ill children managed to destroy an entire town. Was it a very small, very isolate town? How many children were there, exactly? How long did it take them to kill all the townspeople? Were the townspeople hesitant to fight back because they were being attacked by children? All of these are important questions to address clearly.

Lastly, the line, "Vampires existed all right; they always had," was rather jarring. It takes the reader out of the flow of the story by addressing him or her directly. This is not something you want to do, especially in such a fast paced prologue. It's your story, so if the main character thinks about killing the baby and the townspeople because they are vampires who he believes are evil, that is all that the reader needs to know that vampires exist in your world. If you want other people not to know so that the main character can rant to them about how vampires /are/ real, then you can have him interact with other characters.

I do get the feeling from the summary of the story that Greg is not the main character of the whole story. However, he is the main character in the Prologue, so my points above still stand.

This is an interesting beginning, though. I will probably read more.

RM

OMG that was so cool, thank you for posting that

I think this is pretty interesting, as far as the plot is concerned, and I'd like to read more.

Sometimes the wording was off, but at other times it was beautiful, so you just need to work on getting it all up to that level.

My big issue was with Tolliver. I think you did a great job portraying her at the beginning, but once you got to the ice cream part it began to feel a bit overdone. The vomit-eating was especially off-putting. I feel like, even if I was as food-obsessed and gross as her, I would still prioritize getting away from the vampire that just kicked me, especially if my food was covered in my own vomit.

Hello Lea! So you asked me to read your story and I did (I'm also new to this section too though and I don't know if I will write much else for it). I am interested to continue reading. You used a lot of good words and Greg was portrayed very well even if he was terrifying. There were some grammar/typing mistakes like "then" instead of "the" and it should be "making her way" instead of "making their way" when you talk about the woman in white. I'd like to see what comes next!

Alrighty! Let's see here.
Vampires? Check.
Fanatics burning down villages? Check.
Insane clergyman? Check.

The idea is promising, I'd love to follow this. But remember to draw things out a bit, leave people hanging! Suspence is great let me tell you. Add more descriptions, have the characters analyze happenings, write their thoughts.

Watch out for errors. They're annoying to make and readers get distacted by them.

Remember to take things a bit slower in the future chapters! Everything was a bit abrupt here, but it's the prologue, it's bound to be a bit differently written than the rest of the story.

Keep it up! I'll be keeping an eye upt for this!