|Reviews for I Hate Cliques|
| snapapplez101 12/29/12 . chapter 7
Some say I have eyes in the back of my head by my horns...
| snapapplez101 12/29/12 . chapter 5
Jo is like the funniest people in here. xD
| snapapplez101 12/23/12 . chapter 3
Why is everyone judging my room?
EXACTLY what I say.
| snapapplez101 12/23/12 . chapter 1
I drew a little emo kid in his emo little corner...
THEN A GIANT FREAKISH MONSTER CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND ATE THE LITTLE EMO KID LEAVING ONLY HIS HEAD!
Oh my God, that was amazing!
| Irish Eyes 63 12/21/12 . chapter 5
Hello! How's it going? :]
Alrighty, certainly interesting. My first thought that popped up was that you never have a line longer than... a line. Don't be afraid to use paragraphs, to describe things! I swear, limited description versus colorful diction will bring a story a very long ways. When you have a conversation transpiring between two people, make sure that you have variety in the way that people speak. For example, don't always say 'Keoni said..." "Justing said..." "Liam said..." Be creative and go all fancy! This is where that rich vocabulary comes into play :] Also, another thing with the sentences, make sure you don't use periods where commas are meant to be!
"Yeah. Thanks for helping my brother and his boyfriend, Jo." Keoni said leaning across the table and giving me a kiss on the cheek." You have a very good grasp with commas at the end of sentences, right before names to create that pause. For that, I give you props! However, you do this a lot, and it takes away from the flow, and therefore the legitimacy of the story: "...Keoni said leaning across the table and giving me a kiss on the cheek" should actually be "...Keoni said, leaning across the table and giving me a kiss on the cheek." That comma after "Keoni said," is very important with the fluidity of the story. Does that make sense? It happens in just about every sentence, so it's a reoccurring error that can easily be fixed and provide an excellent strength to your writing.
'"Keels. Help." I said." I also notice a lot of this. There should be a comma after help because there is no action being preformed. If the sentence was "Keels. Help." My eyes widened dramatically," it would be a period because of the action of the eyes. 'Said' is not enough of a visible movement that needs a period. Also, the usage of 'said' is inappropriate here. Definitely a more vibrant word should have been chosen, like pleaded or begged. I swear, it helps with the reading sooo much :]
Those were the most general mistakes I could find, but they are easily fixed, and small things in the grand scheme. You have a very bright vision for the story, I can already see that from reading 5 chapters. For that, I say yay! That's an awesome thing to have as an aspiring author. I lovelovelove where you're going with this story, and I know that you can do everyone in the this piece justice! Just remember to be colorful, careful with action, and selective. You're doing a great job! :]