|Reviews for Quick Shot|
| Danyel Patterson 12/14/12 . chapter 1
| TuSolusSanctus 11/25/12 . chapter 1
Trying not to be rude here, so bare with me, all right?
If you're trying to be deep and thought-provoking, you missed the mark. You missed it by a lot. Since this is so short, I'm going to break it down and give you my complete analysis.
The first two sentences are fine. Andrew stood watching tells me who the main character is and what he's doing. Watching and waiting adds to the theme you're going with, so no problems. Then you blow it with "He was on the Union side of the Civil War." If you want to be thought-provoking, don't tell me what side he's on, show me. Explain it without actually spelling it out in plain words.
[He stood waiting for an enemy to come up suddenly and unexpectedly.]
Personally I think it's awkwardly worded, but someone else might have no problem with it. How about, "He crouched patiently in the dirt, positioned behind a bush. Before him was an abandoned building that a Confederate solider could rush into at any time."
I like the next statement. He's thinking about his brother who is on the other side. But I feel like that needs elaborating. Surely they live no where near each other if they were drafted for different sides. Maybe that was supposed to be assumed and I just missed it, though.
The rest I really like until the last part. Where he quickly turned and ran away because he found that he had shot his brother. I feel like it's possible he was so consumed by guilt and horror that he ran from his brother's dead body, but it's unlikely.
A better ending would have been Andrew falling to the ground on his brother's body and sobbing. The sobs would turn to crying, then to moaning, then to screaming. He would be so heartbroken, so devastated, so mentally affected that he'd refuse to leave his brother's side. Then maybe he'd be shot and killed by an enemy and would die, embracing his brother who he himself killed.
If you want to illustrate the torture and anguish of brother fighting brother during the Civil War, this would be a better ending then just running away. *An interesting little tidbit I'll include, my great-great grandfather (maybe a few more greats, I don't remember) served with his five brothers. He was the only survivor. There's a story.* This quick shot feels more like a skeleton or an outline.
Just my brain working right now, I think an interesting title for this would be "My Brother's Keeper", as opposed to "Quick shot". If you rewrite and resubmit this, work out a different title.
Feel free to message me if you're upset by this review. In no way do I wish to offend you, I'm just trying to help. Keep writing!
| Kathryn Claire O'Connor 11/25/12 . chapter 1