|Reviews for More Than Meets the Eye|
| ScarletRose7865 2/10/13 . chapter 18
Yay! You came back. I've been waiting endlessly for the next chapter. I am so enjoying your book. Really, I love it.
| Felrain 2/10/13 . chapter 18
I liked it. Especially when he said her name all tenderly. Oh lala! Update soon!
And bring on the company :D
| BloodWillSpill 2/10/13 . chapter 2
Okay, a good start. I wish I could take out my alarm clock just the same lol. Anyway, your MC is pretty cool and I'm sure that her family's death may come back to haunt her, as you didn't mention if she killed them. Um, there were several instances where you need to add another word. Still, great chapter!
| SweetMichaela 2/10/13 . chapter 18
I have been waiting for this so long... And finally it's here. Great chapter!
And no, it wasn't boring, at all. That emotional struggle... It made the situation feel more tense, therefore more interesting. At least for me. xD
Keep this wonderful story up! :)
| RimaToya 2/5/13 . chapter 2
To be truthful, just starting out I didn't know what to expect. Then I read the introduction. I love how you wrote it, especially how you slipped in the eye part there, which didn't really click for me till this chapter. Then I was hooked.
My favorite part would be the beginning. I wish I could shoot my alarm clock XP That little bit of humor made the character instantly likeable for me, and I'll definitely be sticking around.
| HellsingKitten 2/5/13 . chapter 2
I have to wonder if she has a pile of destroyed alarm clocks or other random things like have been destroyed..she sorta sounds a bit impulsive or has a temper. I have to wonder as well about this pager thing. If it's the year 2020 then shouldn't pagers be in a museum and technology advanced some kinda way? Just a thought but humans could have just stopped doing stuff. Also, is there any sort of Alliance who employs these Seekers and do they know where they've come from. Also, I don't really get a sense of what the world looks like. Also when you say or rather when our protagonist says "...people like me..." I have no idea what kind of person she is. If she's part cybernetic, is Jewish or has a strong sense of justice or something. I'm also curious if anything happened, like another world war, that prompted these people to decide it was time to take over. Also I'd like a description for Madison but you might talk about it in the next chapter so that would take care of that. Also I kinda wish you'd described the agent with her as well as our hero. Also, if she hates these people, I have to wonder if she'd want to use her gun on them and as the story progresses she realizes how flawed her hatred of them is, idk, just a thought. One more thing, anytime I've ever described someone, in real life not a book, I have never referred to their eyes as being cyan, it just isn't a usual word in people's vocab, not to say that people don't use it, they'd just be more inclined to say glowing eyes or aqua or even turquoise, just doesn't roll of the tongue usually. Anywho, I am interested in this story though, it's well written and the main character has somewhat piqued my interest so I'll def. read on and see if any of the things I'm wondering about are answered in further chapters. Nice writing!
| ColdSleepingSpirit 2/3/13 . chapter 2
Well, that's a creative way to stop an alarm clock! :D
| ColdSleepingSpirit 2/3/13 . chapter 1
Ooh, how mysterious! I like the way you started this, though I have no idea what's going on. I probably have to continue reading to find out...but this looks really good! I'll continue reading as soon as I get the chance. :)
| ArmachiA 2/2/13 . chapter 17
Grammar and things:
•From the prologue: “I clenched my teeth in anger.
"I would never work for you, not after you took everything away from me!"”
You don’t have to start a new line when a person is speaking after an action. It would be “I clenched my teeth in in anger, “I would never work for you, not after everything you took away from me!”
When you break up the action and dialogue in such a way, it looks like someone else is speaking :)
•From Chapter Two: “On top of their ability to "vanish" into thin air, if you did manage to see them, you'd be freaked out. Their glowing cyan eyes make them resemble more like cyborgs rather than indoctrinated individuals. The hairs on the back of your necks would surely stand on end just by staring that their lifeless eyes.” You’re slipping into Second Person narrative here, instead of First Person. Generally, in novels, it’s considered frowned upon to address the reader directly. Try using “If someone did manage to see them, they would be freaked out.”
•Watch your tenses! There are some paragraphs where you slip from past tense to present tense almost immediately. Example: “I snorted. That was a foolish move of them. They may not have much Phantom activity, but they fail to realize that the Phantoms are everywhere, not caring about who they target and why. The war may be centralized here in America and parts of Europe, but sooner or later the rest of the world will feel the full impact of this invisible battle.” Starts in past tense (“Snorted”) and end in present tense (“fail to realize” instead of “failed to realize”, “will feel” instead of “would feel.”) I have problems with this too, haha.
•Chapter Nine: “He leaned towards me. "How willingly are you to get rid of the Phantoms?"” Did you mean “How willing are you..”? because how willingly doesn’t make much sense.
•Chapter 10: “This is some very serious accusations, agent Moore” should be “These are some very serious accusations.”
•You can add separator lines in the document manager, instead of using XXXXXXXXXXX. Go to edit your document and if you look where the Left aligned, center aligned icons are, right next to them is a single line, click that to make a separator. :D
•I like that the beginning plays with time. It happens in the future so when you start reading the actually chapters you wonder how she got to that point. That was great. I actually did something similar with my prologue, too, so maybe I’m biased :P
•I found the Guardian character (Sky) to be interesting and mysterious enough to be drawn in and wanting to know more about what was going on there. I think he’s my favorite character, but I’m not 100% sold on that idea yet ;)
•I look forward to learning more about Rachel’s team and hope that they have more than minor parts, they seem pretty interesting.
•The concept is pretty solid, the Phantoms feel like a real threat and the sense that the world has spiraled a bit out of control is there.
•A lot is revealed about Rachel in the second chapter, and I feel that some of that stuff could be revealed later as the reader gets to know her, instead of writing it out like a summary.
•Have you considered making your chapters a bit longer? This is only a suggestion, but they felt a little short.
•Sometimes the inner monologues read a little clunky. I’ll chalk it up to it being a first draft, but I figured you should know.
•I’m hoping that Rachel’s team has a longer stay because right now it feels like the only two characters I should remotely care about are Rachel and Sky. Other characters are only there briefly, or ripped away as soon as they’re introduced and it makes the book feel a bit empty.
I'll be following the story, because it's pretty interesting and you and I have a similar writing style :)
| Un-Ended Tales Unravel 2/1/13 . chapter 3
The Phantoms sound creepy. I know I shivered. This chapter gave more insight on this job that she has taken on and the dangers of it. Suspicion is in the air as everything starts to explode. It's a nice touch and creates the question of who and why. We suspect but we are not sure. Will definitely be reading on to answer those nagging questions. I'll try to review again later. This was a great chapter.
| Felrain 1/30/13 . chapter 17
Damnit woman! What's with you and cliffhangers?! And oh my things are really getting good! The story just gets better and better!
| Felrain 1/30/13 . chapter 16
Hah this is goin great so far! Love Moore's attitude, and the way she thinks is amusing. Is I bad I kinda want to see Moore and Gaurdian get lovey? XD
| SweetMichaela 1/29/13 . chapter 17
So far, I totally like this. The plot goes on pretty well, and the curiosity got me from the very beggining! You sure know how to insert the element of mystery in your story.
I also like the characters. Rachel pretty much seems to be a badass, but with certain weaknesses. Just like any human and hero. The moment she and her Guardian met, I felt it. I don't know what, but I certainly did. xD
Alas, I am eagerly waiting to read more of this story, which I believe is one of the best I have read so far.
| Linguistic 1/28/13 . chapter 7
So far, your story is- interesting. It has a very straightforward plot: there's a secret war between agents, the bad guys seem to be winning, and Agent Moore (our hero) is caught in the middle of huge and mysterious events that he doesn't seem to fully understand. It's well written, in most places, and you obviously have a firm story line planned.
I'm going to try to give you some constructive criticism, from what I've seen so far.
1) You seem to struggle with names. The 'head warrior' and 'the Frog's Leg' seem unsuited for your (supposedly) near-future setting.
For the head warrior, I would suggest something flashier- 'the top man', 'the Head of the Department of -', 'Agent 01, 'The Paladin', 'The Ace of Spades'? Just something more memorable.
For the tavern, something less fantastical- Mick's Eats, The House of Beer, etc. It seems almost like you're trying to write a fantasy in a science-fiction world, and it isn't meshing well.
2) In some places, you should try to employ better imagery.
For example, you say: [From the darkness came a hooded figure covered in various decors of cloaks that gave him the appearance of a nobleman. ] Nobleman is too vague. What kind of nobleman? Is he a nobleman from, say, the 18th century? Is it a nobleman in this new world? In places like these (and they pop up ever now and then) try something more evocative.
4) Develop your characters. Agent Moore strikes me as typical hothead. He's got energy- he shot his alarm clock, for God's sake!- but at this point, that's all I can really glean. He's missing a genuine, distinct personality. I don't know who he is, really, or what he likes. Explain your world more.
| Un-Ended Tales Unravel 1/28/13 . chapter 2
What?! A flashback?! I guess that means I’m just going to have to keep reading to see how events lead up to that moment in the first chapter. I’m completely okay with that.
Your description is good, very violent I might add. The situation is clearer with more information on background. I'm starting to get an image on the overall storyline.
It's a great second chapter. It's good not to reveal everything at once and spread it out over a few chapters, which it looks like your doing. I still have questions storming my mind so I'll keep reading and get back to you with another review as soon as I can.