I really like the main character's voice; the whole idea seems unique and different, and her voice really adds to that. It gives her a strong sense of personality, too, without slipping into too much telling. Some nice descriptions thrown in, and the prose flows together nicely. The only thing that kind of threw me was the jumpiness; it some places, I struggled a little just to follow it. Maybe have some scene breaks or something just to break it up a little. Other than that, I really liked this - it's a strong first chapter, and I will, without a doubt, be reading more.

The young girl's life story is very sad and frightening. There are many girls out there in the world who live a life like this, so this story could be a reality for someone. As I read about how Teine killed some of the people who raped the girl, I can't help but start to like him. He's not a good person, that much is obvious, but he DID save her... I can't wait to see what happens next :)

This is amazing. It's disturbing, yes, but it's written beautifully. The story has already shown so much in just the first chapter, the twisted characters, the disturbing scenes, it's so well written. I'm looking forward to more.

I like your opening paragraph. You can find out a lot about the character just by reading it, such as she's obviously got some boyfriend that she wishes to get rid of, etc etc. Also, the way she narrates the story is different to the usual narration that I'm accustomed to - but it's not a bad thing! If anything, it makes you story stand out more :) And you did a really good job at making us dislike Teine because of her feelings towards him. I really liked this first chapter so far, so good luck on the rest of your story :)

I found your story at the Roadhouse Bar. I've got to say, it's pretty damn good. As I was reading, I kept screaming in my head, "Just leave that freak! You don't belong there!" But it's pretty clear 'Kido' won't leave him, since he's her father figure and only protector. Very sad. Can't wait for the next chapter!

I don't mean to sound overly critical with this review, so I'll just point out some things that stick out to me right off the bat.
First off, the intro paragraph seems to be made up of a run-on sentence that could chopped up a bit more. Also there seems to be a number of grammar errors throughout the chapter; most of them are minor but they make it a little more difficult to read your story.
Second, your story seems to jump around quite a bit in regards to pacing, which makes it a bit difficult to tell where these events are actually taking place. I'm not sure if this intentional or not, but I felt that I should still point it out.
Granted, I may not be the target audience for this kind of writing style but I think that a little more consistency with the scenes would allow this story to be a bit more readable.