|Reviews for The Neko Love Story|
| Scriptertwist 11/30/12 . chapter 1
Before I start, thank you for submitting your story!
I would first suggest correcting a few grammar errors and spelling errors. Some examples-
The title should be- The Neko Boy That Was Found.
popluar should be spelled as 'popular'.
This sentence- "She can stay." said his mom. Kai smiled and said "Arigato guys.". demonstrates an error in dialogue. Instead it should be- "She can stay," said his mom. Kai smiled and said "Arigato, guys!"
Why? It is simple. When writing dialogue, comma placement is important!
"Hi" said Elizabeth "I am a girl.".
"Hi" should be "Hi," or "Hi",. A dangling piece of dialogue, without exclamation points, question marks or periods should always have a comma either directly after the sentence or after the quotation marks.
Secondly- "I am a girl.". should be "I am a girl." Why? Dialogue (or speech) only requires one punctuation mark.
Another example- "Hi I am Mark!". He said.
Would be incorrect. It would be "Hi I am Mark!" he said. The period after the sentence would be dropped because only one punctuation mark is needed, and the He would be lowercase. Why? Any words after a piece of dialogue should be lowercase EXCEPT FOR proper nouns. Example- "This is stupid," she said. This is a correct sentence. So is this- "Whatever," Mark muttered.
Pedantry aside; you have a good start on writing! You capture emotions very well. However, you seem to get too lost in the feelings of your characters and ignore the surroundings. We are only given a small piece of dialogue from Kai and then, in only two sentences, he is at home and meeting a new character. I would suggest writing more transition scenes. I.E. Instead of Kai arriving, snap!, at his home, try this-
Kai walked away from the girls briskly. He felt nervous around his admirers. He strode to the city bus stop and waited patiently for the next one. (Then you could write a small section about him sitting on the bus.)
Though this is a poor example, it's got the basic idea. It conveys-
1. Kai's emotions-
2. His movement-
3. How he got home.
That's all I have for now. (I don't want to be a grammar nazi- my grammar is far from impeccable!) Thank you for giving me a chance to read this story. I hope you have a nice day. :) I would like it very much if you updated!