|Reviews for Christmas One-shots|
| Revamp 1/11/13 . chapter 1
I loved this little one shot, enough to favorite it. Your writing is wonderfully descriptive and your characterization is brilliant. Lily's character is wonderful, and I love the deep insight on Christmas. has wondeful elements. Great job on a great one shot.
| Jingle Bells 12/23/12 . chapter 1
Happy Christmas! Or Merry Holidays. Or otherwise, salutations upon this global celebration of family and gift-giving. Here's your present!
You paint a vivid scene in the opening paragraphs. The descriptions of the graveyard are strong, but the more disturbing setting is the abandoned library. Perhaps a rotting (and likely smelly!) body may not discourage your leading lady from entering a dilapidated building, but it would me!
Unfortunately, unless your two characters are twelve and of the age where secret-keeping is impossible, it is very unlikely and unrealistic that Anthony would share such a secret with a girl he just met. Really, the secret and its details serve little purpose to the overall story. A bashful compliment would be adorable in its place. And though I love the way you describe the shadowy figure, his hasty introduction and dismissal are too short to really create enough suspense and fear. None of their encounters are particularly frightening and Lily's name-calling only diminishes him (cute and adorable pest.) All too clearly, the focus of the story is their romance!
I do not like the way you format your dialogue. So-and-so did this and said, Such-and-such did that and replied... Soon, the reader's eyes are just skimming through the dialogue and missing what matters-what the character is saying. I would consider relocating your speaker tags to the end of each statement. It will give your writing more variety and shift the focus to the character's words. And in its current form, it feels "tell" more than "show."
I love the spirit of the story. The pacing is quick and lighthearted, despite the mournful bits. It feels a bit rushed, because of everything you include throughout the story. The hasty love story is candy-sweet, and the last sentence is charming in a cheesy way. Though trite, the Christmas lines (the rules are relaxed) are quaint, and only because it is a holiday one-shot!
Do not be afraid to revise and stretch! I would be interested to understand more about the immortality pieces and what they look like, and the encounters with Dark Matter could potentially include some suspense. Throughout were scattered grammar errors (too was going), forgotten words (look kind handsome), misplaced words (walking down bookcases) and some immature writing, but editing and practice will certainly strengthen those.
I enjoyed reading this! Despite some qualms with the finer points of the plot, it was a pleasure to read. I found myself rooting for the couple and smiling when they defeated death (I mean, Dark Matter.) It is a classic story with all the trappings of a wonderful holiday tale. Thanks for this little posting, and Happy Holidays to you and yours!
| Tumbleweedr 12/12/12 . chapter 1
I like the style of using the flashbacks. I think it really helps build up to the final encounter. I also like the world you created, and I know this is just a one-shot but I think it's interesting with a lot going on and want to know more. And after checking the other stories you have posted, looks like I might be in luck there!
I don't think some things are explained very well, such as the immortality fragments. It just sorta pops up all of a sudden in the first flashback when Anthony just grabs it, and it's never explained what it is or how he knew it was important. Same thing happens in the second where he grabs a sword, seemingly from nowhere. I think you could set the scene better in the flashbacks and add more description so we can really see what's happening and we don't have things popping out of nowhere. The other thing is that the dialogue doesn't have a smooth flow to it and feels kinda robotic. Especially where she tells Anthony about her pregnancy. Both of them should show some emotion, but as it is it doesn't feel that way.
Overall, I think you have a really cool idea and an interesting world and characters, but it feels rushed.
| GiveItTime 12/12/12 . chapter 1
"She didn't really care, they weren't going to hurt in the way the grave she was going too was going to cause pain " - consider rephrasing this. You could change it to something more easy to read like, 'She didn't really care. These graves meant nothing to her, they couldn't hurt her. Not like the grave she was heading to... his grave.'
"It had been almost two years since he had died on that day, on Christmas Day" - 'day' seems over used here. You don't have to say 'on that day'. It's not needed to communicate your idea.
"I thought I was the only one who knew about this library?" - more of a statement than a question.
Unbelievable - consider rethinking about whether a complete stranger would tell someone they'd just met if they could keep a secret and then spilling something like 'my father's an assassin'.
feeling a little bit confused. Things moved very fast. Consider extending the part where Lilly is meeting Anthony and then when the stranger approaches. Why is the stranger there? What is the immortality fragment? "Gift" - are there other's with gifts? What kind of world is this they live in?
Also, you seem to always have Anthony doing something then saying something, then having Lilly do something and say something. It all sounds very robotic and forced. You just need to make it flow. These people can do more than just say, ask, reply, smirk and smile :P This is an easy trap i found myself in when i first started writing.
"Anthony grabbed a sword and kept striking him" - where did this sword randomly come from? O.o
Ok, so this story has loads of potential. I can see a very interesting story coming out of this. I like magic, and this darkness aspect is intriguing but you have to make the story flow a little more, make it sound less robotic. All in all, not too bad :) You can make an amazing story out of this yet! :D
| XxLoveMakesTheWorldGoRoundxX 12/11/12 . chapter 1
I liked this because you explained everything very well so there was no 'Whaaa?' moments. I think you should do more details into her past.