|Reviews for A single spark to start a wildfire a single voice to start a rebellion|
| TuSolusSanctus 12/11/12 . chapter 1
I like the concept of the story, but there are a few mechanical issues I'd like to point out. However, before I begin, *please* remember to take this review knowing that I'm not attacking you, just helping with your writing. Here are some examples:
[Hundreds of kids all pressed up against each other, in the cellar of a factory. In the cellar of a fabric factory.]
I get that you're doing it for emphasis, but you should've just included "fabric" in the first sentence and done away with the second one altogether. Also, that comma is unnecessary. You did describe the cellar as cold, damp, and dark, but I feel like you could have divulged a bit more and included some more specific details.
[Drifter lay in the corner, his arm aching, a long red mark from the wrist to the elbow, a whip mark.]
So the theme I'm noticing is that all of these kids don't really have legitimate names. That's a nice change from the norm. However this sentence is all wrong. With the ways its worded, it should read
[Drifter lay in the corner, his arm aching. A long red mark extended from his wrist to his elbow; a whip mark."]
[ Others, like Madness, she had been driven insane, not completely, but close.]
Again, wrong wording. I'm not sure if you intended
[There were others, like Madness, who had been driven insane. Not completely, but close.] or
[Others, like Madness, had been driven insane. She wasn't completely insane, but close.] See how they read differently? That clarification is a common theme throughout the story and it makes for awkward reading.
Twice throughout the story you switch from third person to first person. You go from saying "he" to "we" to "he" again, so I'm not really sure what's going on until I figure out that you've temporarily switched over.
[one of the ones he knew pretty well. A girl that rarely spoke, and when she did, it was words of wisdom. Hence her name.]
In here we have one inconsistency and one redundancy. You say Wisdom is one of the ones he knew pretty well, implying he didn't know all of them pretty well. Yet just a few sentences earlier you said "we were really close." As to the redundancy, you didn't need to say "hence her name", it was assumed and unnecessary.
I'm noticing a huge comma-overload. Just an overwhelming number of commas.
The last sentence is fantastic (except for the fact that there was no ending period...) and a wonderful concluding sentence. It really sums up what the story is trying to say. Also, it could potentially lead into a sequel. However, if you plan is to write another chapter/story, I might suggest getting a beta :)