I felt like the opening was something that had been done before. It’s always good to start mid-action, but this just feels too…cliché. Maybe play around with the story a bit, see if there’s an opening that can draw the reader in without being overly…samey to some other stuff out there? Some of the sentences are just a little awkward; ["I ask you for ten thousand yen, and instead all I can find a measly eight hundred and twenty yen.] I think you could cut out the second yen. Might make the dialogue sound just a little more natural. [He could go to class and waste his time telling his sensei what happened to explain why he was late, but even with all the blossoming bumps and bruises on his skin as evidence, he knew that they wouldn't do anything about it and just tell him to take his seat.] Bit long. Maybe play around with it to see if you can split it up or shorten it? [People were sympathetic, but not one of them was willing to lift a hand to help him; so long as Mayuuki was Tsurada's dog, they didn't have to live in fear of the King and his Nestlings turning their attention on them.] Again, too long. Maybe make a new sentence at ‘So long as…’. [and beg his landlady for an extension] ‘begged’ instead of beg. [But it looked like that dream was never going to become reality…] Considering what happens at the end, I feel like this is too much. Maybe cut it out.

I really liked the conversation between Ren, Jin and Mayuuki. It worked nicely to establish a dynamic between them. How old is Mayuuki? I feel like it’s not really clear. Maybe it’s just me, because I’m not sure of the different ages in schools in Japan, but sometimes he acts around fourteen but he’s living on his own. [15:58, read the digital face.] Don’t need ‘read the digital face’ there.

I do like the idea of this, and I think you’ve introduced the characters nicely. I would suggest sprinkling a bit more description in, so the reader can get a better grasp on the scene. I know Manga is mainly a visual medium, and I think a lot of people kind of overlook the fact that when reading things like manga, you get to really see where the characters are. It’s not just speech. So yeah, a little more description and a little more editing with those awkward sentences, and this could be really strong. Hope this helps.

I'm going to fricking kill mobile FP for posting that incomplete post.
Uh, now it's awkward posting a chapter back. But it would have been awkward just leaving that other review.

Sorry. ;A;

Thought I'd just say that it was good and I can't wait to see more. Slapstick is always good, too.

I think I like Ren or Akira the most, for whatever reason.

So yeah, now I'll just awkwardly leave...

Awesome job. wb

Was browsing through stuff and stumbled across this. And I couldn't resist because, well, a crossdressing ex-delinquent with a secret identity? You've got to be insane to skip over it.

I liked it a lot. Had me grinning almost the wh

There is no such thing as excessive slapstick humour in the manga section.

NO SUCH THING. (By the way, it would have been nice if Ren and Mayuuki shared their first kiss together when they tumbled together onto the floor. But that would rise the romantic quotient a little too quickly in this story)

I'm sure that if I am in Mayuuki's shoes, I wouldn't be so eager on the idea of being too chummy with Ren, considering that I just got walloped in the face until I couldn't smile properly.

Even if it was out of a mere mistake.

I'm sure there'll be plenty of chemistry and conflict between the protagonists down the line as Ren wrestles with her duo identity and Mayuuki starts to figure out and pieces the jigsaw pieces together(or maybe he wouldn't for a long while, after all, that's how a comedy of errors normally go). It's still early in the story anyway, so let me enjoy my slapstick!

And totally expected Tsurada to become Cub's new fanboy. Really interested to see how you are going to take this. A wimp and a delinquent as disciples promises a lot of crazy banter and situations.

On a sidenote, I was imagining Daisuke suddenly taking the place of Mayuuki in the omake, and scaring the hell out of Akira.

Before giving him a rocket punch of course.

Hmm, I would say that my biggest problem with this story so far is the exsessive amount of "slapstick" humor. Also there was almost no relationship development between Yuuki and Ren. That scene when they were going to school was a perfect time for Mayuuki to try to become friends with Ren. He is their "maid" now. So he will be seeing her more often now. It would make sense if he tried to be friends with her.

Ren and Mayuuki's misunderstandings continue to entertain. Well, this might be slightly strange but what caught my attention the most this chapter was Ren's description of Mayuuki as more attractive and feminine than herself. Of course, the relationship between the two main characters still has a very long way to go, but nonetheless I can't help but wonder how Ren will feel as their romance continues to develop. Then again, Ren most assuredly will wear the pants in the relationship, and maybe it simply doesn't bother her, but we don't know enough of her character to say that just yet.

Also, the order of my comments is all messed up but it's good to see that you inserted a small scene at the start to keep Ren's past fresh in the reader's mind and presumably foreshadow whatever happened with Wolf , or perhaps it is simply some other guy, before she met Mayuuki. Thinking out a story like that always makes it better.

LOL that was hilarious. I am looking foward to reading more.

Ren is my favourite character. It's not like a character like her has never been done before, but I'd say that I have never seen a character who is just like her. Her main concern is not wanting to stand out for her good deeds - that's fairly unique since fanboys for such characters don't exist in many series in the first place. Well, I'm a fan of competent female characters in general so I won't deny that I'm biased in this respect...

Overall, it was a nice chapter, even if cliche at some bits. I'm looking forward to seeing where you'll bring the story, especially when it comes to Mayuuki's dual interactions with Cub and Ren. It should be pretty hilarious :)

I loved all of it, can't wait for you to update it.

PLEASE UPDATED SOON!

FAVORITE QUOTES
(1)"Someone actually married you?
(2)"What kind of impression do you kids—? Oh forget it." He sighed. "Yuuki-kun, Ren-chan. Ren-chan, Yuuki-kun. Make friends, ignore each other, date each other—do whatever, I don't care."
(3)"Takamura-san, you won't believe what just happened!"

"Not interested."
(4)Don't play dumb, you violent ex-yankee. I know you; you're just like your brother. As soon as you see someone doing wrong, you rush in to go Kamen Rider on their ass."

"Kamen Rider? I knew you were old, but really?"
(5)"Ohohohoho, so it's about a guy. My, my, Maa-chan, I didn't know you were—"

ALL TIME FAV-(6)"Now hurry up and make me breakfast. I'm starving."

"I think you mean dinner."

"It's breakfast for me."

"Regardless, I can't cook."

He blinked stupidly at her. "What?"

"I. Can't. Cook," repeated Ren loudly. After a moment's consideration she corrected herself, "Well, that's not entirely true, I can make onigiri and cup ramen."

Jin groaned. He should have just let Mayuuki keep the money.

[It's in no particular order]

Yo there, I saw your story on the favorites list of my buddy Katsurou. Don't know what to expect but I have to say that I was pleased. I think mayuuki should grow a spine but im sure that's what this story is gonna be about(alsorenbeingatsundereCOUGH COUGH) cant wait to see more of this story.

That was cool, I have a soft spot for butt kicking women you know.

Slapstick comedy ftw! b.d

I have to say that the reverie is nicely done, much better than the mechanical fixes that I have offered.

Ouch. Ouch. And Ouch. Even after reading this the second time, I still feel the horrible pain of old memories. Please tell me this is the last time you write such sadism, Jax. Your humble beta-reader cannot take it.
At the very least, no more crushing of nuts pretty please?

I just realized that Nao-chin shares the last name as I do. Ohohohohoho.

******

[from the gates to class] [from the gates to the classroom?] since it would tie in better with the next phrase.
[Guess you're not as infamous as your think you are] [your to 'you']
["Why'd you dodge?"] ["Why did you dodge?"]
[Mayuuki w'as all doom and gloom] delete apostrophe
[Now hurry up and ma breakfast] [make]

I like this very much. Great begining.

I've been wanting to review one of your works for awhile now, but I'm notoriously allergic to anything serious...So this story comes at just the perfect time. Very much a story that falls within my preferences.

Start of the story was typical, but I guess it can hardly be avoided for this kind of premise. All I can say is that the start was probably the weakest part of the chapter, since it's been done before so many times.

The middle part is nice. Good way to add life and background to the setting. In particular, it's a good touch to add in the names of those who worked with the Blue Wolf. We've already come to expect the Blue Wolf from the summary, and he's an enigma that's larger-than life. Including him won't do that for you, but police officers, private detectives - these are real people. They make the story more believable.

The final part...well, I'm biased, but I liked it a lot. I'm a sucker for these kind of interactions. Nice dialogue between Mayuuki, Ren, and Jin. Ren and Jin are very likeable characters, which is always necessary in this type of story. Whatever reason Ren has to stay with Jin, it's clear that there's an extra layer to these characters. Good, makes the story better.

Alright, read the first chapter...And damn, this is rather interesting. :)

I kind of like the way you quickly establish what kind of character Mayuuki is and his troubles. And if you intended to make Tsurada a complete dick...You have succeeded. XD

Can't wait to see where this leads up to!

Keep up the great work! :)