This piece has a lot of soul to it, and far from being badly written it's one of the more interesting things I've found on here. The grammar does get a bit wonky in some places and a few of the sentences feel clipped, but with a first person narration sometimes things like that are just part of the character's voice. If you'd like someone to pick through the grammar though let me know.

Overall well done : )

Are you making this into a chapter thing or just a one shot?
Either way, it's really good.