asww this is so sad

Hmm... I understand what you are getting at here. the last three lines are my favorite. At first it seemed to miss the poetry element in it but it came at the end. I did get a stage image though, that was good.

I like this. You kind of lost me from lines 10-13/14, but I like the idea behind this and the metaphors. I wrote a poem about a similar subject and I found it quite hard to transfer my emotions in paper. I'm curious about what you were aiming for... Is it supposed ot be more like a prose with imagery and metaphors in it, or did you mean it to be more poetic? If so, try using more sophisticated words. Always keep in mind that there are no rules in poetry, especially when you're the writer. Keep up the good work!